ADVENTURER’S LOG: EARTH CYCLE SEVEN - SATURDAY #1691

CROOKSTON, MINNESOTA

Yesterday I was so damn tired I could hardly drink beer. We drove around forever looking for a room. What we didn't know was that there is a large casino on Indian land and every motel is full...except for one. The one remaining suite had a hot tub.

You should have seen my fat ass getting in and out of that thing.

There was no smoking rooms so we had to go "out back" and were told we couldn't use the end door...yeah, right.

This is our kind of place...where I am now...

I sat at a counter and the lady asked, "How do you take your coffee?" I said, "Seriously. Very seriously."

And this was my view....

Do you see the face of the calf?

At least I thought it looked like a calf.

My wife thought it looked like a colt...

Saw this sign along the way. Must have been named by some ghetto mom...

At this Mom&Pop I noticed something on the menu I had never seen...Denver on toast. I asked and it was a Denver omelet on toast and I promptly ordered one. It was great!! It was like sex, except I was having it.

They have huge cedar farms here and a million trucks hauling logs on special tandem trucks. It has a normal cab, but the trailers both have seven axles. I can only assume to better traverse muddy forest roads. I haven't seen one parked so I could photo, but they are a thing to behold. That's a 68 wheeler!

Everybody up here speaks just like in the movie Fargo.

Went to a restaurant named the Buck Inn. I bought one of their T-shirts cause on the back it said, "Our food is Buck Inn great!"

I am now only committing one felony instead of the two I was committing when I left home.

My wife has changed tactics on her quest to render me mentally incapable. Today she turned off the book on tape and said..."Let's talk"......talk.....me. 

We all know that her babbling capabilities are infinite, so I said, "Why?"

And she said, "Wouldn't you like to share your feelings with me sometimes?"

I said, "Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe go fuck yourself."
No, seriously, I just thought that. What I said was, "What do you want to talk about?"
And she said, "You go first."
I instantly detected it for the trap that it was, so I said, "Oh, look, a deer," and slammed on brakes. By the time we got back on the road, her diabolical plot had been foiled.

By the way, we have passed numerous casinos at all hours of the day and their parking lots are all always full. My wife couldn't believe that I didn't want to visit one. I like to gamble when I have a reasonable expectation of winning. Casinos give me a reasonable expectation that I will lose.......just like the other 99% of the visitors.

When people ask me to attend their wedding, I ask if they couldn't just send me the sex tape.

According to a new report from the United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization, the United States is no longer the world's fattest developed nation―Mexico is.

Can you imagine living in the Soviet Union and being named Conrad and everyone tries to call you Comrade Conrad and fucks it up every time?

If someone from Area 51 would also start leaking and whistle blowing, that'd be great.

Yeah, this is about the way I feel about the Tour de France also...

One does not simply not drink when one has an ultra-slow internet connection.

Egypt...governance by mob rule...

Real men do not intentionally smell each other.

Sometimes I stare at my wife and wonder if her skin was ironed out and tanned into leather, how many motorcycle gangs could she clothe?

1930...a man ahead of his time...

The deaths of at least 30 youngsters who died as a result of circumcision-related injuries in the Eastern Cape was "distressing," the ANC said on Sunday. "The African National Congress is deeply distressed by the news of yet more young lives that have been tragically cut short in their prime through botched circumcisions."

(you can't make shit like that us)

What a great scene..

How to get a seat all by yourself...

A Ted.com talk: Could the precursors to diabetes cause obesity, and not the other way around?

My brother-in-law once loaded a VW van in a moving truck. He backed the truck into a ditch, drove the VW across his lawn onto the truck. At his destination, off-loading was a problem, since he had to find another yard that wasn't his...

Look at this carefully and you will be surprised..

Disney Beauty and the Beast:  There’s nothing wrong with bestiality if a candle says it’s okay.

Anonymous around the world...

With obesity now considered a disease, I tried to make up some funny...maladies. I only came up with one: Wideassnia. Anybody else think of any?

Why snakes never took over the world...

Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!

23 million year old Lizard in amber...

Guy spent $43 to buy something much better than Legos. The kid actually gets exercise while playing with it...

The number of times I think "shut the fuck up" while people are talking to me is getting out of hand.

Try asking this to the people sitting around you on an airplane: "If this plane crashes, how will we ration out the food?"

Went to a site that had not one, but three ways to get a PhD on line. Good luck with finding a job with that...

"The Wall"...I can only assume Israel...

We looked for a room so long yesterday, I would have settled for this...

AND THEN THERE'S THIS...

We just found out that visiting the Williston boom town is totally out of the question. There are so many workers that ever motel room within 200 miles of the place is booked solid...FOREVER! That means if you enter the circle around Williston, you have to drive 400 fucking miles to emerge from the other side to find a room...something that is totally out of the question. In Road Trekker lingo, we call that a disaster.

Therefore, we have to take a huge detour off Hwy 2 south, meaning we will miss the geographic center of North America in Rugby, ND; something I wanted to tag.

Bummer, that.

By the way, that motel owner who told me about the kid with the shower trailers...his electrical company had to get there early since nobody could do shit without power, and they just BOUGHT a motel tell to make sure their workers had a place to sleep.