THURSDAY #1757

Princess Diana as a kid.

One of life's greatest pleasures....putting a day old donut in a microwave for 13 seconds and eating it with a fork.

If your doctor ever request a stool sample, make very certain that you have chewed your corn properly...trust me.

Twice in my life has someone told a group of heavy drinking teachers that were celebrating the end of a school year that they were going to pick up the tab, then looked at the final tally and stammered something like...."I meant I would only pay for the food."
I would have sold one of my children to keep my word on the offer. You CAN NOT back out of such a proclamation! It is the sign of a low class motherfucker.

FROM A SURVIVAL PAMPHLET:

To fight off an anaconda, you can start with a surprising move: a bite to its tail. The tip of its tail is most sensitive part of the snakes body. This can cause tremendous pain for the anaconda and it just might make it let go.

By the way, the Number 1 survival tip was.....ready.........avoid anacondas....I swear.

Guy finds vintage motorcycle in German woods with metal detector...

Every day when they get to work at 5pm, my bevy of young bartenders are given a list of chores....

At the bar, the beer cooler is under the bar so she can look at the customers while drawing a beer. Well, today one of them had to take a soapy rag and scrub the handles.
I'm not sure I can explain to you the memories that flooded me while I sat there watching her do that while making eye contact with me. The word palpations come to mind.

Just another reason for Prozac...

My dentist told me I needed a crown. I was like, "I KNOW...RIGHT?"

Our government will not allow us to see something like this on TV...

Yeah, Land of the Free my ass.

Innovation at its finest...

How to write a science paper...

Anyone find out anything about this that I don't know already?

Get it?

[ the plot thickens ]

Isn't your first birthday technically your second?



Something I've never thought about before...

Back in my day wheelchairs were for crippled people, not fat people.

Might can see this one coming...

Do you think any student in a cooking school ever used the excuse that the dog ate their homework?

When I insult a person, I don't call them a name, I use sentence after sentence after......

My wife always stands up in the tub, cause when she sits down, the water in the toilet rises.

Think about this a minute...

This is a live octopus....LIVE!!

Who thought that reading a story to children about a wolf devouring an elderly woman, then putting on her clothes so she could eat her granddaughter was a good idea?

Have you ever had a girl break up with you while you were in the shower together?

I say teens wastes prime childbearing years going to high school.

Tesla's ashes...

This young man shoots a chicken into a basketball hoop and gets 97 million hits on YouTube....

This is Mr Newman. He was given a prison sentence of six weeks for the offense of sticking his dick in a goat. While he was on bail, Mr Newman was asked to obey a curfew between 7pm and 7am and was not allowed to enter any land where farm animals are kept.

(I found the black-out of the goat hilarious)

This is Hitlers ring....

Actually, I'm not that impressed with the craftsmanship.

Said to be true on two different sites...

More bathroom graffiti...

Notice the change of marker changing it form crude to profane.

Shit you don't see everyday...push starting a jet....

I put the "OR" in "WORK".

This adds a whole nother meaning to the term check"mate".

My wife thought that Lewis and Clark were Superman and his girlfriend.

Said to be true: The first cat to be cloned was named Copycat. 
If that is not true, it ought to be.

Did you notice how fat most of these people look?

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AND THEN THERE'S THIS...

You see, democracy here at home must be balanced against the requirements of security, and it is simply too dangerous to leave the question of this balance to the democratic public. Open deliberation over the appropriate balance would require saying something concrete about threats to public safety, and also about the means by which those threats might be checked. But revealing such information would only empower America’s enemies and endanger American lives. Therefore, this is a discussion Americans can’t afford to have. Therefore, the power to determine that this is a discussion the public cannot afford to have cannot reside in the democratic public. That power must reside elsewhere, with the best and brightest, with those who have surveyed the perils of the world and know what it takes to meet them. Those deep within the security apparatus, within the charmed circle, must therefore make the decision, on America’s behalf, about how much democracy—about how much discussion about the limits of democracy, even—it is safe for Americans to have.

It is crucial, then, that any attempt by those on the inside to reveal the real, secret rules governing American life be met with overwhelming, intimidating retaliation. In order to maintain a legitimizing democratic imprimatur, it is of course important that a handful of elected officials be brought into the anteroom of the inner council, but it’s important that they know barely more than that there is a significant risk that we will all perish if they, or the rest of us, know too much, and they must be made to feel that they dare not publicly speak what little they have been allowed to know. Even senators. Even senators must fear to describe America’s laws to America’s citizens.

Will Wilkinson in The Economist