TUESDAY #1748

"Sir, are you absolutely sure Syria even has chemical weapons?"
"Yeah, we saved the receipts from the ones we sold them."

Today eating lunch in my favorite bar, the banner on the bottom of the CNN screen read: "...found living out of their car..."
I said, "No. They were living IN their car. I am living out of my car."
The bartender added, "How about a 'near miss'? A near miss is a hit. It's a 'near hit'."
This young woman sitting alone said, "And why do they call it a blow job anyway?"

At my second bar of the day, the night shift comes in a 5 but doesn't get busy until 6...so they just stand around behind the bar chatting mostly. Well, this good looking young guy comes in and sits on the stool next to me and three very attractive young women came up at the same time and said, "May I help you?"
He ordered and stared in amazement at the array of lovely ladies. I leaned over and said, "In my day we used to call this a target rich enviornment."
Not surprisingly, he found that very humorous.

An ever-lit lamp?

A young expectant mother came to my wife and I’s table and began a discussion about how to rear a girl child to give it (her?) the freedom and confidence to be their own person without turning them into a stripper. My wife gestured to me and explained that I had raised two very confident females who did very well thank you very much. I told the woman to just be herself…a confident female and they will use her as a role model. Then she said…(AND I SWEAR THIS IS TRUE)…”Yeah…..but I was a stripper.”

I but smiled and ordered another beer.

I know exactly how to do this...and it's really not that complicated...

Sometimes when I take a shower, hair gets stuck in my butt crack and I like the way it feels when I pull it out.

I don’t trust people who don’t eat bread.

National Geographic photographers...you gotta love those heartless bastards...

My father, the engineer, told me that roads like this were designed with random curves to forestall drowsiness...

I think it was due to land disputes.....anybody?

NSA broke into networks of Brazil's president; state oil company, Google Brazil, and SWIFT, for "economic" reasons

(like, who didn't see that coming?)

Made out of millions of hundred dollar bills...

Some only slightly darker than the rest.

There are a whole series of these instructions for city living...

Then I grew up.

Can't look at this without thinking of a Rose Window in the apse....

New research suggests that stress may only be bad for you if you believe that to be the case.

??????

I know you may not understand it, but I find this very beautiful...in a public art sort of way...

When explaining Google images to my mother, I said, "Pick anything to search for."
She asked, "What about a nice cream pie?"
"Except that," I replied.


This is fucking hilarious....

I wonder how they cleaned the shit out of the carpet.

The shape of this building makes it focus sunlight that melts parts of cars...

Do not be a showboat...

And the the bastard only wins by blocking his foe.

A Representative from New Jersey, Rush Holt, has introduced the aptly named 'Surveillance State Repeal Act' with the goal of rolling back some of the worst excesses of the NSA regime.

Dead fish in China is becoming more common...

I can only assume that's a bad thing....at least for the fish.

Millions of these were dropped to resistance fighters in WWII. A few of them on a road will stop a whole convoy...

"I swear to drunk, officer, I'm not god."

Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.

Darlin', if you catch me looking at your breasts, you made that decision for me as soon as you stepped out your front door wearing that dress...

If you are drinking to forget...please pay in advance.

Tomato grows inside fence...

I am presently experiencing life at a rate of several What The Fuck's per hour.

My wife accidentally used her facebook status box instead of Google search and now they won't allow her to attendent anymore family functions.



Just in case you would like to jackoff to pictures of naked people before you read the bible...

Clever monks, they.

California wild fire melts sign reflectors...

They have a fountain in my wife's shopping area. I like to sit on the edge and when some kid comes up and throws in their coin I lean over and say, "I wish your wish doesn't come true." Then I toss a penny....and smile.



Never will my amazement for these things wane...

"In dog years, officer, I've only had two."

He should have seen that coming.

 You think any of them lost count?
Think about it..."544, 545, 546, 545....no wait!"

(all of these can't be gems)

I knew I needed to give my wife some space when she stepped out to retrieve the morning newspaper, looked around and said, "Fuck you birds, you sound like shit."
And that is why every man needs a man-cave.....true.



I like to present classic scenes from great movies. I hope you enjoy as much as I...

I have told you before that when somebody asks me how I am, I say, "I've never been better in my life," "I'm at the top of my game," or some such shit. The other day a guy looked at me and asked me earnestly, "What combination of medications are you on?"


And I would bet money that people practice this walk in front of a mirror or at least a store front reflection....

Being Southern...a short tutorial...

Not ever getting anything accomplished is surprisingly time consuming.


This is one of the reasons I'm proud to be an American...

As a money saving ploy, my wife refused to buy me ice cream. She just walked in on me making a chocolate milkshake out of ice and cocoa powder and I saw it. I saw the fear in her eyes. I'm adapting and she knows that I will soon be unstoppable.