MONDAY #1781

Google & NASA have opened a joint lab for Quantum Artificial Intelligence.

I gasp at the possibilities.

I pay close attention to closed caption on TV. The other day the man said "Tight end" but the voice recognition wrote "Tightened." If find things like that amusing.

The Air Force general in charge of all US nuclear weapons has been fired because he was always drunk......that is all.

Hell, that's a good idea...

...according to the French.

Something you don't see every fucking day...

I wonder if he volunteered for that job, or did they, like, draw straws or something.

Supposedly, this person(s) sneak around and install these when there are no witnesses...

Wouldn't it be great to sit next to a stranger on a park bench, slide over an envelope containing a random photo, and whisper, "Make it look like an accident." Then walk off.
--

How I balanced my taco shells last night...

I once told my daughter that shooting stars are really just angels throwing away their cigarettes before god could catch them smoking. After careful thought, she didn't believe me.
--

 Please, don't. It's the praying that caused the problems to start with.

Have you ever been so drunk that you vomited under the couch?

Fuck the zombie apocalypse. It's never going to happen.
Worry about the fucktard apocalypse. It's already upon us.
--

Canada if 50% the letter A.
--

From a photo essay titled "Dirt"...

Why do people keep getting addicted to meth? What did you think would happen? You never hear of people having a fun, casual weekend of meth.
--

If you find out someone is a veteran, it is not okay to ask them if they ever killed anyone....seriously.

-- We get what we pay for...

What if PETA are actually meat promoters, whose job it is to make vegetarians look like raving lunatics.
--

I knew a girl one time who had a lucky tampon.

Notice anything odd about this?

 The waffles could not have been made by that waffle iron.
Why do you think they had to do that?

People who pronounce it Form-i-dable, instead of For-mid-able upset me more than they should.

Newton's 1st law....

A body at rest wants to stay at rest. Now fuck off.

This young man has waaaaay too much time on his hands...

I love you more than beer.
(but please don't make me prove it)
--

I posted this a long time ago. It shows a man getting struck by lightning TWICE!

 He lived, by the way.

Cheaters never win...in Europe...

My daughter brought a friend home who nonchalantly declared, "I'm a lesbian, by the way."
I said, "Well, are ya'll planning on staying here or eating out." Then I started laughing and had to leave the room.
--

Speaking of...
Have you ever...even once...told a joke, then felt compelled to tell everyone around the table the name of the person who told it to you? Or even more absurd, you tell the joke and someone gets mad at you for not telling the name of the person who told you the joke.
But 99.99999% of the time, the person you heard it from had heard it from someone else, who heard it from someone else........until it get's back to the person who actually made up the joke in 1923.
So, pray tell, why do I have to tell all of you where I got a joke that I use on Folio Olio? And, in my humble opinion, the same applies for visual gags as to verbal gags.
I've stated before that I don't expect anyone who uses a One Of My Very Own's from my blog to give me credit. I put it out on the internet, not in a museum.
I would love to hear counter-arguments.

A male homosexual sat our our table one time and my wife said, "Are you gay because you didn't have a strong male figure in you life?"
Before he could answer I said, "No. He's gay because he wants a strong male figure up his ass."
--
I find it amazing that Bigfoot walks exactly like a man...

Pfffff! America can't collapse! We are as powerful as ancient Rome.
--

The first rule of money: Never use your own.

--

This thing can run, like, a million miles an hour...

 Motherfucker even leans into curves...

Have you ever wondered just how high a person can get on marijuana?
--

Wait for it....wait for it....

They are almost upside down twins.

A recipe book for ancient Roman food...

A female friend of my wife was telling us all the organic, pure, natural things she "allowed" in her body. So I said, "So you only eat the same things that people too dumb to invent the wheel ate?"
--

Being circumcised affects the natural operation, appearance and sensitivity of the penis. During recent years much medical research has been carried out in several countries into the function and purpose of the foreskin. There is now conclusive medical evidence that a circumcised penis with the glans exposed has less nerve receptors and is less effective than a naturally covered penis.

It never ceases to amaze me how kids can fall asleep sober like that.
--

This is what my wife’s vagina said when I suggested we try anal.

I've been told that the British use vinegar like we Americans use ketchup.......How bad is you food when adding vinegar improves it?
We Americans clean windows with vinegar.
--
Well, now you're just showing off...

A friend told me that having a 'Beware of Dog" sign on you fence actually opens you up for a law suit, since it is a declaration that you knew it was dangerous....

I can't help wondering what it would feel like if I stuck my dick in there...

He may not be the smartest man in the world, but the things he knows, not many people do.

The exact moment your mouse developed trust issues...

Remember that article I posted about African fire ants...

(I KNOW I've posted that before, but who wouldn't want to look at that again?)

Shit you need to think about:
Indiana Jones plays no role in the outcome of Raiders of the Lost Ark. It would have turned out exactly the same if he had just let the Nazi's take the ark.
--

Have you ever looked at that last load of dirty laundry and seriously considered just throwing them away?
--

A bride wears white so she will match the rest of the kitchen appliances.
-- Ladies and gentlemen, I present the coolest fucking thing in the whole universe...

If my daughter was a heavenly body, I would want her to marry a black hole.

When my daughter used to ask for something I didn't want to buy her, I would say, "I spent all my money on your vacines so you don't get a disease."
If she still wants it, I say, "Remember, you used to vomit on me and I still kept you."
--