MONDAY #1795

This year Sunday dinners are always awkward at the Manning house...

I don't like to brag, but at the start of the 4th quarter in the Gamecock game against undefeated Missouri, I put on my rally cap...

We scored 17 unanswered points to send it into overtime, then to double over time. We won it when their kicker bounced the ball off the upright…and then…well…I shat my pants. But I was with family and my daughter had seen it all before, so no big deal.

My wife put this on your Facebook page and it got millions of likes.
I wrote that to support my friend who owns and runs a late night bar that gives all the other bartenders, bouncers and wait staff a place to go and relax after they get off work.
Every town needs a bar like that.

A waiter came by our table and asked how we like the food. With my mouth full of food I said, "It makes my dick get hard." He but smiled and walked away....and never came back to our table.

I like lazy person costumes. The scariest lazy one was a crude sign like that only it read: STUDENT LOAN.

Note mouth...

Was watching a show on what's left of the History Channel and they showed a large flat rock with the ten commandments carved into it. The guy said, "This may have been done by an early settler or it could have been done by aliens to instruct us how to live."
Yeah, I guess it COULD have been done by lightning bolts out of the blue......you stupid fucker.

How to get beat to a pulp with minimum effort...

 By the way, on a related topic, a urination study has discovered that all mammals pee for same duration of 21 seconds.

True. Look it up.

Read this...

This is going to sound so made up, but it's not.
A young friend was on a small jet liner when the door popped open a bit. She was sitting two seats back and could see the sky through the crack and the wind was deafening. She said people were screaming, praying, weeping...then the captain came out of the cockpit, looked at it, then turned to a male flight attendant and said (I swear) "Hold on to the back of my belt" and then he opened the door a bit more and slammed it shut. He then just waved his hand toward the passengers and said, "It's okay now."

Face shape is largely determined by genetics, yet no two faces are entirely alike. How do genes bring about faces with subtle differences while avoiding dramatic disruptions and facial malformations such as cleft lip and palate? The answer may be in the "junk DNA," a new study has found.

Just to fuck with my friend, Jambe...

These are park benches to stymie bums sleeping on them...

I like them. I took my wife to a huge park near my home to ask her to marry me. It took over an hour to find a bench without a sleeping bum.

Catherine the Great and her erotic furniture...

How many drugs would you have to take to even think of this shit...even with October being National Fetish Month?

Or this.....keep scrolling....

Been there, done that.

Last night I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge…or, ‘Foreplay’ as my wife likes to call it.

See that guy in the background...I want to be that guy...

Since 1998, the U.S. government has been required by law to remove nuclear waste from plants and haul it to a secure disposal site -- though it hasn't because none has been built. Congress in 1987 designated one for Nevada's Yucca Mountain, a project that President Barack Obama's administration cut funding for in 2010 at the urging of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, a Nevada Democrat.

Has it come to this?

My wife asked me to do something and I jumped up dramatically, placed my fists on my hips and said, "Sounds like a job for future me!" Then I went about my business.

A line from a movie I watched:

"Take the desk job. People don’t look up to you until you’re sitting down."

A rather ordinary sized bathroom in a bar...

So said the ex-Head of Homeland Security: "One of the greatest weapons we have now to avoid another 9/11 are passengers with an attitude."

Father of the year...

 Actually, I think that guy is the uncle. Uncles not only do shit like this, they walk casually up to the kid with the broken neck.

Speaking of parenting differences...

Am I the only one who rubs their scrotum on all the personal items of anyone who let's me use their bathroom?

So...ah, what's your secret to a long life...

One of the cleverest things I ever said to my daughter was in response to her, "Am I adopted?" 

I said, "Not yet."

Try explaining this to a foreigner:

Republicans mad at Obama because his website isn't good enough at doing a thing they hate?

I simply do not get this cartoon. Anyone?

Wind-up dog...

“Suicide machines” are kinetic sculptures whose sole function is to slowly destroy themselves. Artist Thijs Rijkers. 

This one very, very, very slowly pours sand into the gears...like one grain a week slow...

 This on saws itself in half in slow motion...

The brown things are hacksaw blades.

They, of course, did this with DNA tests... 

I wasn’t sure what day it was because life is meaningless. Turns out it’s Monday, but the part about life still applies.

When finding out I was a painter, a young woman asked what style I used. I told her I was an abstract depressionist and she didn't get it.

Dear World,

Thanks.

Folio Olio...

When asked why I didn't carry a cellphone I said, "I don't technology wisely."

I can remember these...

Toxic corn kernels, GE seed patenting. Herbicidal bastards! 

Dear Every Subway Employee On Earth,
Holy shit! Chill out with the lettuce! What are you doing? OMG, STOP!
Sincerely,
The World

I think this young woman is about to have her clitoris cut off (out?) with a dull knife...

 ...because that's the way they've always done it.

Ever wonder what the base of a wind turbine looks like?

I actually didn't think this all that funny, but it was on so many sites that I may have been wrong...

These two books contain the sum total of all human knowledge....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAAHAH!!!

One would hope not.

I only have one item on my bucket list. I want to visit a Catholic Church and when the priest flings "holy water" at us I want to run into the aisle and start hissing and screaming "IT BUUUURNS!!"