FRIDAY #1827

As I understand it, the trick to frying a turkey is to go real slow and have the hole pointed up...

I am hoping against hope that we have dodged this bullet...

When I misspell a word so badly that there are no replacement suggestions, the sense of shame follows me all day.

These are beauty contestants...check out the one on the far right...

Who "hates" to say I told you so? That's my favorite thing to get to say.

Rare double impact crater on Mars...

My wife once yawned during sex. YAWNED! 

The first time my wife and I finished having sex, she put hand sanitizer on my dick.

Told my friend about this and how a Catholic married to a Protestant couldn't be married in the same cemetery. He laughed and said, "Yeah. I'm Jewish. I'm familiar with the problem."

Once my wife was giving me a blow job and looked at her watch and sighed.

You think the correlation is a coincidence?

Before we got married my wife said that I could cum wherever I wanted, so I came on her face. After I finished she picked up her phone and made a call and all she said was "Face." I was too frightened to ask her what that was about.

Some things are worth rioting about...

 This man is rioting over the raising of public transportation fees.

Before marriage, my wife used to put our used condoms in her "memory box".

Moments after I finished losing my virginity the girl said, "Do you have any questions?"

And there are those that would call that art...

That was no more visual art than this is dancing...

Let's visit the N-word again.
People come in many colors and some of them are allowed to say a word and some of them are forbidden. I want clarity...

People should not be ostracized for using the N-word if they are a shade or two too light. Therefore, I think we need a chart similar to the one above with the added notation of who can and who can not use the word.
For example, Espresso can name their children Nigger and no one would bat an eye. Cream can never, ever use the word. We just need a committee to label the chart with a simple Yes or No so that we are all on the same page.

Her earrings are lock picks...

Rock bottom is when Youtube comments are more intelligent than your government.

Had we been born elsewhere...

Just another reason I don't do that...

I'm thinking of learning the guitar so I can play "Near Death Metal".

The meaning of life is that it stops.

I don't know why these two are so popular on the internet...

"Take me out for a romantic evening or you’ll never see me naked again" works every fucking time.

OOMVO...

What I really need are minions.

I do. I do think I’m very clever.

Scientists announced today that they are going to "Get a head start" on curing whatever it is that drinking Diet Cokes may cause.

I love it to death.

The first few times, my wife was so good in bed that I wondered if it would insult her if I gave her money.

Don’t be afraid to sit in the front row at your life.

Those who create nothing are always the biggest dicks.

I find creative women very, very sexy...

A coward is one, who in a perilous emergency thinks 

with his legs.

What the fuck is he looking at?

How could anyone NOT watch that?!

I almost skipped this, then went back and read it. I think you should also...

Here's what I want to know...

Why don't the faith healers on TV spend all their time in the cancer ward at the hospitals?

When you stop believing in Santa, you get 

socks and underwear.

The force is strong with this one...

Borborygmus means rumbling in the stomach

This is one cool motherfucker...no pun intended...

OOMVO...