A powerful image from someplace you don't want to be...
If you missed the Georgia/Auburn game, I'm not going to recap it for you...except to say I shit myself a little, but it was okay because I always wear black sweatpants and an extra-long denim shirt with the tails out to cover such football induced accidents.
The hounds are at the gate...
OOMVO...
The first time I saw a TV remote, I remember thinking 'This changes everything'.
I wonder how many things we do today will turn out to be as stupid as this.
Young Tiger...
Another one of a kind headline: Woman lost wedding rings while changing cockatoo's diaper
And in the accompanying article was this sentence...."....after she dropped her husband off at Chippenham Hospital for open heart surgery."
"DROPPED HIM OFF?!?!"
How fucking cold is that?
I know something about this...
Very seldom is the answer the smallest number when the question has the words fewest, least, etc. The same thing goes for most, largest, etc.
Therefore, if you have to guess, you can reduce the options almost 100% of the time.
Therefore, if you have to guess, you can reduce the options almost 100% of the time.
For a man with a severe concussion, he makes an amazing recovery...
And speaking of black dresses...
While watching the Gamecock game, the camera zoomed in on a half dozen young women celebrating in the stands. One of them was my bartender wearing a black dress very similar to the young woman on the right in the clip above.
While watching the Gamecock game, the camera zoomed in on a half dozen young women celebrating in the stands. One of them was my bartender wearing a black dress very similar to the young woman on the right in the clip above.
OOMVO...
I know exactly why this is in the fridge...
It will be used to train a pup to fetch the bird without mauling it.
The breathing Earth...
Speaking of...
During WWI there was a Russian general named Ruzsky.
I think there ought to be a Gay Tried Parade for people who experimented once or twice but didn't like it.
Do...Not....Pull....The....Little....Cord....
You think that's a movie? The angle's not right for a security camera.
I love subtitles...
If you had a time machine, would you go back to the 1920's and kill Hitler, or 2010 and tell yourself not to start watching Walking Dead?
Man is sweeping the air...
Studies have revealed that 86% of holy water is
contaminated
with E.coli and Campylobacter,
both of which will fuck you up…
….Thanks, Obama.
HA!
It says, This Street, That Street and The Other Street...
I've told everyone who cares to listen that if I had the opportunity to name a street, it would be "Bridge Ices Before Rd."
When I was in Alaska, the sun did this. It only sank below below the horizon for an hour or so at around 4 am.
I love that when I'm with my wife I don't have to pretend I'm a nice person.
Get it?
Something you can convert to is not a race.
A statement of simple fact is not bigotry.
OOMVO...
Sitting in a waiting room, I farted so loudly and rhythmically that the guy next to me thought his phone was vibrating.
My wife and I live very boring lives...
If you can't put them in your ears, what the fuck are we supposed to do with Q-tips? Anyway, that is the most ignored warning in the history of warnings.
I think the guy behind the counter is trying to get the shit out of his pants.
Because we have to respect everyone's religion...
Do girls get a periodic memo so that they will be sure to dress exactly the same?
That bothers me much more than it should.
You gotta love optimism...
The instructions were to copy a passage from their book...
How to know you take gaming much, much too seriously...
And for you people who want to ask me if I think sex is all there is, the answer is yes...I think sex is the best thing in the world.
This is me giving my magna cum laude speech at graduation...
And no one is even embarrassed...
How to know physicists also smoke dope...
This exist...
I've asked believers about the translation problems...
I was told that god made sure it was correct in the end. Amusing, that.
Speaking of...
What exactly did he think they were going to do with the ball?
Woman throws a fucking table!
Then she catches a flung chair with one hand.
Then she goes home to entertain guests...
Prepare to be pleasured.
The good things that come to those who wait are just the leftovers from the people who got there first.
I find the waist-band alignment delightful.
AND THEN THERE'S THIS...
Let's suppose we got radio signals from intelligent beings telling us they were coming. During the ten year lead time they gave numerous demonstrations to prove that resistance was futile.
There was a huge sigh, since now...finally...our questions would be answered.
One enthusiastic earthling shouted, "What does he look like?"
And the alien laughed, "Oh, we don't know that. Nobody has actually seen him. But most likely just like me."
Question after question followed...
"Where does he live?"
"I don't know."
"Where did he come from?"
"I never really thought about it."
"How do you know all this?"
"It's written in a book."
"Just one book?"
"One is enough if you believe."
"Have you read the book?"
"Not all of it, but I talk to people who have."
"Who wrote the book?"
"We're not sure."
"Why do you believe it?"
"Because we've all believed, like forever."
"But we already have thousands of gods right here on earth."
"Yeah, but they are false gods."
"How could you know that?"
"Says so right in the book. It's as plain as the noses on my face."
"Well, I think that all a crock of shit."
Then the alien zapped him into a rather attractive array of random atoms, smiled and asked, "Are there any other questions?"
After a long silence a weak male voice asked, "Does Zitsel make you cut off part of your reproductive organ?"
"What?! That's disgusting. Why would a god care about your pee-pee?"
"What about communion?"
"Look, if you want to believe that a cracker turns into 2000 year old muscle tissue, I can't stop you...but you might want to think about it real carefully."
"Do you have magic underwear?"
The alien tilted his head like a earth puppy, then whispered something into his radio. Within an hour every sign of aliens had disappeared back into the heavens from whence they came.
2 comments:
It pleases me to no end that those physicists are using Douglas Adams' "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" in such creative ways! Your humor reminds me quite often of his dry wit, which is probably why I find myself drawn, day after day, to your page.
Glad someone else caught that.
This is the full quote:
“Another thing that got forgotten was the fact that against all probability a sperm whale had suddenly been called into existence several miles above the surface of an alien planet.
And since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this poor innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity as a whale before it then had to come to terms with not being a whale any more.
This is a complete record of its thoughts from the moment it began its life till the moment it ended it.
Ah … ! What’s happening? it thought.
Er, excuse me, who am I?
Hello?
Why am I here? What’s my purpose in life?
What do I mean by who am I?
Calm down, get a grip now … oh! this is an interesting sensation, what is it? It’s a sort of … yawning, tingling sensation in my … my … well I suppose I’d better start finding names for things if I want to make any headway in what for the sake of what I shall call an argument I shall call the world, so let’s call it my stomach.
Good. Ooooh, it’s getting quite strong. And hey, what’s about this whistling roaring sound going past what I’m suddenly going to call my head? Perhaps I can call that … wind! Is that a good name? It’ll do … perhaps I can find a better name for it later when I’ve found out what it’s for. It must be something very important because there certainly seems to be a hell of a lot of it. Hey! What’s this thing? This … let’s call it a tail – yeah, tail. Hey! I can can really thrash it about pretty good can’t I? Wow! Wow! That feels great! Doesn’t seem to achieve very much but I’ll probably find out what it’s for later on. Now – have I built up any coherent picture of things yet?
No.
Never mind, hey, this is really exciting, so much to find out about, so much to look forward to, I’m quite dizzy with anticipation …
Or is it the wind?
There really is a lot of that now isn’t it?
And wow! Hey! What’s this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast? Very very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like … ow … ound … round … ground! That’s it! That’s a good name – ground!
I wonder if it will be friends with me?
And the rest, after a sudden wet thud, was silence.
Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.”
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