TUESDAY #1824

Commenting on Israel...

FOOTBALL GAMBLING:
I'm leading in a pool whereby you pick the winner of every NFL game, then give it a confidence number according to how many games are played that week. Last week there were 14 games so after you make your picks, you have to assign the numbers 1 through 14 to the games. This week we all got killed. There were 105 possible points and I've already lost 59 points...much less than 50%. One guy told me before he made his picks that he should just pick the opposite teams that he thought would win...and we both laughed. He lost 70 points, meaning if he had followed his plan he would have only lost 43. That just ain't right, ya'll.

Could help in quantum computing.

It's Invite A Bum To Your Party Day!!!

Have you threatened your children with eternal 

damnation today?

Yeah, I'm kind of like that guy...

Obesity: The only disease where a run for the cure can actually cure it.

Movie: Blood sucking aliens land on an island and the only way the inhabitants can stay alive to get very drunk, since the alcohol in the blood is toxic to the creatures. Guess where the island is……Ireland.

You’ve all seen people close a door, then prop a chair under the doorknob, but this movie had them doing it to a door that swung out.

Do you ever outgrow the love of picking your nose?

Very, very subtle...

I think it's called a symbiotic relationship...

The average American woman weighs 166 pounds. New data suggests that the Plan B morning-after pill is less effective if you weigh more that 165 pounds, and won't work at all for women who weigh more than 175.

See what's wrong with this photo?

 Nothing. Nothing is wrong with this photo.

I've always regretted not learning how to make music...

 I blame my lack of hearing...I have never been able to hear the high notes very well, but I still regret it.

Old news, but rather clever...

I once dated a blind girl until she told me she wanted to start seeing other people.

 I do! I sit around and imagine shit like this all the time!

You might want to try it some time.

How big was a T. Rex turd?

2.4 liters per. 

Yeah, fuck you, bitch....

I say we take up a collection to hire designated snipers on the lions' side. Now it's an even match.

Why are clothes so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay me not be naked.

My young daughter came home from school crying, saying that someone had called her ugly. I said, "No matter how ugly you are, your mother will still loves you."

Shoplifter...

 I think my wife would agree with the above deterrent.
It's called a sucker punch and it's very effective.

Worlds biggest water slide...

No.

1962 ski mask...

LANGUAGE:
Lindsey told Jessica that she had cancer.
(Who had cancer?)

I'm sick of people mocking anorexia or bulimia. It's a serious fucking problem...not something to be made fun of. It honestly makes me want to vomit.

My wife made me look at her shit this morning. I lifted it out of the bowl so I could better show the scale...

 I doubt she will ever ask me to look at it again.

Think about thanking god for your food...

 Did you notice that the prayer for food is only answered in rich countries?

I don't see what's so wrong with calling someone from Pakistan a Paki. It's just the same as calling someone from Australia an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot, or a Frenchman a cunt.
(Dear Frenchmen, I stole that gag off the internet and do not think all Frenchmen are cunts)

 If you don't find their faces hilarious, then you don't belong on this blog.

I love headlines...

New book: Complete meal cooking with a hotel coffee-maker...

A slice of salmon with ginger, garlic and soy sauce sits

in the coffee maker's carafe. Sliced broccoli and 

cauliflower are steamed in the basket while the salmon poaches below.

Another odd headline...

It's not the wanting that is important, it's the when that fucks up the whole formula. 

Galaxies in one little corner of the universe...

 ...and it was all made just for us....wow.

Have you ever wondered what a perfect photograph looks like...

 The juxtaposition of the word "Good" is....extraordinary. I could (have) just let my eyes roam over that for a long, long time.

I manipulated a piece of it...just for fun...

Why don't murderers just bury the bodies in cemeteries?
Seriously, there is almost always a freshed buried coffin and the shoveling is easy, and I assume the dogs would go nuts with acres and acres of bodies to alert to.

TOMVO...

Apparently, when you donate blood, it has to be your blood.