MONDAY #1823

NEWSY STUFF FIRST

Today, I think there was a world's first.
My Gamecocks played the Chanticleers.
A Gamecock is a bad ass male chicken. A Chanticleer is a rooster. In one football game it was roosters vs. roosters.

Who thought this panel separation was a good idea?

Home gone in about one second...

 Couldn't get any worse, sir.

I'm not sure this is entirely true...

They finally fixed the government health care site. Just 
CLICK HERE
then click on the APPLY NOW button.
You're welcome. 

I once told my daughter that a corkscrew was an eyeball remover.


Well, I'm glad they are on our side...

One of my cute young bartenders confided in me that she hates Monsanto. I respected her for that.

I plan to wear a Redskins jersey to Thanksgiving dinner.


So...ah....you hate your job?

You can literally answer "That's what the government wants you to think" to anything.

OOMVO...

Well, we all need a hobby, I guess...

A straight waiter told me that when he's serving overtly gay people he pretends to be gay to get a bigger tip.


My dream job is to drive one of these...

Finally, a man lazier than me...

I felt compassion for the victims of the Kenya mall shooting, however my first thought was...there's malls in Kenya?

Look, bitch, she broke....the....law. What's so hard about that concept? We take tons of people from all over the world, but there are laws that dictate how it's done. Mexico doesn't allow such foolishness. 
I go nothing against Mexicans, and would feel the same way if 11 MILLION Canadians just walked over the border and stayed. 
With all due respect, I say FUCK YOU.

What you're missing on TV...

I would so stick my dick on it and...you know...just see what I could do....

Girls are given Teddy Bears to psychologically train them to tolerate their short, fat and hairy husbands in the future. Well, that's what the government wants you to think.

I am in favor of putting a sub-dermal birth control device in women on welfare. If you don't want it, then turn down the money, but I'll be good goddamn if you are going to live off the dole while pumping out children and naming them things they can't even afford, like Mercedes, Porsche, Diamond, Pearl, Rent, Phone Bill.

OOMVO...

If you have to ask if it's too early to drink beer, you're an amateur and we can't be friends.

And all this just to give us something to look at while we show how much we love the creator....amazing...

There needs to be a pill for this...

According to the serving size on the label, my wife is a family of four.

There are dozens of these...

Wife's anti-depressants were costing too much, so I talked her into just taking a few swigs of No More Tears shampoo.

Watched this movie again...never ceases to please...

You know what she finally died of?

Embarrassment.

Ultra-deep sea animal looks like one of our nightmares...

I will repeat...

...why in the world would you want a virgin? I would want the most experienced woman on earth.

You, sir, are preaching to the choir.