FOLIO OLIO: FRIDAY #1924

I will confess that from the very beginning I guessed that that Malaysian airplane had been STOLEN, and flown to some unknown place. There it will be filled with radioactive stuff or just high explosives and used to wreak havoc on some poor target....say Mohammed's rock in Mecca and then blame it on the US, thus igniting a worldwide jihad.

I hope I'm wrong.

So, are we playing a game of who owes less to whom wins?

Alert reader, Bruce, found this headline...

And, of course, the answer is YES, since they haven't found it.

CAMPING TIP FOR MY TREKKING NEPHEWS: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

With the maddening economy of expression that denotes so much American-issue savoir faire, the curious "statelessness" of a shirt worn buttoned to the top, but sans any form of neckwear, has finally been christened – in tribute to that curious act of self-expression represented by the playing of an invisible guitar – the "air tie"..

Scientists say men who drink beer daily reduce their risk of heart attack. As for livers, scientists said "Fuck livers" and then high-fived.

Why feel guilty for having first world problems? That's where we live! That's where our problems are. Wouldn't it be more offensive to make up third world problems to complain about? You won't find me post something like, "Lost my best goat" or "Dad got kidnapped by local drug lord again." That just wouldn't be right.

Let's enjoy the look on this loser's face again...

He should have kept his mouth shut. It's called karma and it WILL bite you in the butt.

Do you think this thing gives a shit about you?

These are gallaxies, not stars...

You have 80 or so years (if you are lucky) to think about all this...then...

When I hear the phrase "sex drive",
this is what I think of...

This morning when lying in bed, I picked my nose but had no place to put it, so I put it back in my nose. That's how lazy I am.

This next one is proof that my late night humor is much different from my morning sober humor...

Now a OOMVO worthy of you fine people...

I once called the restaurant in which I was dining to send the waiter back to my table for more wine.

Feel stupid yet?

I always heat things in the microwave for 1:11 or 2:22 because I'm too lazy to move my fingers to the 0 before I hit start.

I've been watching this cooking show for years,
and still can't cook shit

Busted!.....oh, my, I made a little pun...

When I saw this I noticed the dozen or so "non-participants" and wondered why that is...

I am assuming they were trying to break a world's record for most Mickey masks. I, likewise, was in an attempt to set a world's record. It was a baseball game and every person was given these...

But they were organized. There was a woman director down on the field who pointed people out who were not wearing their "Schnoz" and shamed them into putting them on. There were also a dozen or so helpers in the stands to hand out more to the people who didn't have theirs. Then they took a photo with a rotating lens and we were all happy.

I try to use the word "flummoxed" in conversation at least once a day.

Another example of quality humor here on Folio Olio.

Women think this guy is sexy...

...forgetting he hasn't washed his balls in two years.

$5 says I'm the most addicted person at this Gamblers Anonymous.

Ha! It is said that there are enough splinters of the cross in Rome to build a house.

Ariel is the only Disney Princess who doesn't have a vagina.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

Gareth Morgan has already campaigned to get rid of cats to save native birds in New Zealand. Now he's targeting rats. The Wellington philanthropist is offering university students a free drink to catch and kill rats. The price for a beer has gone down at student bars; it will now cost you one rat, preferably dead

Take a careful look at this if you have any doubts about evolution...

Shit like that happens all the time. If that gave man just a slightly better chance to mate and/or live longer, then we would all now have webbed fingers.

THE TOOTHFAIRY: Her influence on children is that it's okay to sell their body parts for money.

Images of war...

Dear Long-Time Viewers,

Remember when I used to have a section called "Painted Ladies"?

I think that is a unique headline...never have those words been put in that order before.

I once dreamed of beating my wife. When I told her, she made me apologize.

Yeah, that's hip thing is easy for you to do...

There is a whole photo-essay of the homemade weapons of Kiev. Being a maker of things unusual, I find them brilliant...

This is the guy I want to sit next to and have a conversation...

That man did not buy those items of clothing because the man selling them told him to. This next woman listened to the advice of the one person who stood to profit from her opting for this ridiculousness....

Cockalorum – a self-important little man.

There are many of these and I find them rather clever...

The bar that has smoked wings on Tuesday did not have them last week. The owner said, "Our cook was hired by "Hootie and the Blowfish" to cook for them on tour. I screamed, "Hootie and the Blowfish STILL go on tour?!?"