MONDAY #1920

A Putin Butt Plug...

We all have fun making fun of Putin, but the reason he MUST control Crimea is rather basic.

Historically speaking, the Black Sea Fleet and its Sevastopol base date back 1783, and was founded by Prince Potemkin. The Crimea Peninsula actually belonged to the Russians as far back as 1954, at which time Khrushchev symbolically "gave" the landmass to Ukraine.

This gift of sorts had little consequence as Ukraine remained a Soviet state until the dissolution of USSR back in 1991. When this occurred, a severely weakened Russia was left having to share its naval fleet and bases in Crimea with Ukraine, although command and control was still heavily lopsided in Russia's favor. In 1997, the fleet was split 70-30% with Ukraine as a settlement over ownership of once soviet military assets. As part of this deal, Russia would have to lease its Black Sea Fleet's headquarters in Sevastopol and its associated air bases, from Ukraine. The lease would run through 2017.

Sevastopol is Russia's access to the Mediterranean and will never be given up...

So, what do you think would happen if the US thought there was a possibility that it would lose one of it's key (if not THE key) naval bases?

But it was nice of Russia to give the Ukrainian Olympic team a ride home in a tank.

Congratulations to us all for dodging yet another asteroid.

China declared a "red line" on North Korea on Saturday, saying that China will not permit chaos or war on the Korean peninsula, and that peace can only come through denuclearization.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta, a neurosurgeon and CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, used to be an opponent of medical marijuana. Last year. after looking into the research, he changed his mind. Now he is "doubling down" on his position that marijuana is effective medicine.

He stated flat out that our government has been lying to us about marijuana for decades...and he's pissed about it.

When a man tells another man, "You're a lucky man," what he really means is, "I would like to have sex with your wife."

For sale: Maurice Sendak's Lindbergh kidnapping souvenir ladder

There is a very thin line between curiosity and sexual assault.

People got to do what people got to do...

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that one realizes that there is always a way to solve problems without violence.

Sheared sheep can’t recognize each other and have to fight to reestablish dominance.

They spent hours practicing how to pick up moon rocks...

Early on in our relationship, my wife told me she was open to a lot of thing...sexually.
Apparently, one of those things was NOT criticism.

Only my wife will know why this is so funny...

Isn't it ironic that only in disabled toilets can you run around?

For whatever reason, my wife and I watch the movie "Babe" the other night. Now instead of please, thank you or fuck you, she says "Baa-ram-ewe" and I giggle like a little girl.


I know it's expensive....

Unless you have a couple of years to figure out how to make it yourself.

Cartoon advice taken...

I hate those e-mails concerning penis enhancers. I got ten just this morning...eight were from my wife.

Yeah, you won, but at what price...

...but I bet nobody fucks with him now...and does literally.

How many things wrong can you find in this photograph?

These are the kind of men who, when they realize they are  extremely drunk, drive it off.

My nephew is about to take a camping trip in Texas. Here are a few gems from the website...

And if further proof is needed that I have an excellent collection of nephews, here's an email I got from one of them:

Jacob and I have just been awarded a spot on a 115 mile, 7 day, paddle trip down the Chattahoochee River this summer....camping and fishing all the way down.
I had always wanted to do something like this when I was a boy.  I'm looking forward to spending some guy time with my son.  Should be interesting. 

$12 a hour just to put a pickle on a fucking bun?!?!

You have to admire his enthusiasm...

...even though he seems to have missed the whole point of the exercise.

So what are the ones in the back rows painting?...the other painters?

Can you imagine them allowing this to be done on American TV?

I have never shoplifted anything from a pet shop.

That is so fucking lame...here's another...

I remember when my daughter began to ask embarrassing questions about sex. She and her boyfriend were locked in her room and I heard her say, "Is that the best you can do?"
(that's a lie)

MULTIVERSE THEORY: I think that believing we happen to live in the only universe there is, was or ever will be is absurd. We humans ain't shit and I'm getting fed up with all the talk of our "specialness"...dating back to the earth being the center of the universe; our Milky Way being unique; and we, if we follow some Bronze Age rules, will live for eternity.....e-fucking-ternity....like we even know what that means.

That was racist. I admit. Please don't smile or send it to anyone else or you will go to hell also.

They have wood beams that look sort of like this and they are made out of Styrofoam....I detest them...

Any time someone compliments me on my firm handshake I say, "I'm a lonely man," and look despondent.

     "I'm afraid I've caught poetry."
"Well, don't worry, sir. I used to suffer from short stories."
     "Really? When?"
"Oh, once upon a time."

  

Is it wrong to tattoo your dog?

OOMVO...

Yeah, that's sort of the way I view it.

This morning my wife asked me if her voice sounded fat.
(read that again)

 Bless his heart.

Get ready for human contact, bitch...

If a person is born deaf, what do they substitute for their inner voice? Seriously. I assume images, but I don't know for sure.



My nephews might need this...

"On a scale of 1 to Will Smith's other son, how ignored do you feel?"
     "Jesus' brother."
"Jesus had a brother?"
     "Exactly."

What's better than winning a Paralympics gold medal?
Walking.


Know how this was made?

As a smaller tree, a small vine began to grow around it, causing the tree to grow around it.

You have to hand it to blind prostitutes.


Back when 90% of the bombs didn't get within 5 miles of the target...

One does not simply give Leo DiCaprio the fucking Oscar.



Ran across this graffiti on a train...

And wondered why "bombers" don't at least try to make art; instead of writing stylized names over and over and over again...

 The repetitiveness of their efforts reminds me of something a wonderful professor told me in graduate school...

That professor looked at two of my painting that I had brought in on the same day. As I recall, I had used a squeegee for the paint application and this is what he said in front of the whole class:
"You know when you masturbate and it feels so good you decide to do it again right away? Well, that's what these paintings reminds me of. You painted one...moving the paint around with a squeegee and you liked it...it made you feel good...so you did it again right away. But as we both know, the second one is never as good as the first."
Also, the reason that the bombers do the same lame shit over and over is that they have had no training and don't know how to do anything else. Do you think that the bombers would keep painting their fucking names if they had the talent to create the following work of Art? I think not.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Art with a capital A...

Privacy researcher Christopher Soghoian sees the landscape of government surveillance shifting beneath our feet, as an industry grows to support monitoring programs. Through private companies, he says, governments are buying technology with the capacity to break into computers, steal documents and monitor activity — without detection. This TED Fellow gives an unsettling look at what's to come.