FRIDAY #2014

************

************

 I wonder how they got all the shit out of their trousers.
************

 Just another thing for them to worry about.
I understand the passion of the protesters, but I really hope the games aren't ruined...

************
This is mildly unsettling...

************
I will state again, the interweb is merciless when it comes to England's soccer team...

Remember, I'm the one who has bet real money AGAINST the Team USA. I don't see a way in hell they can make it out of the top bracket.

************
Brazil/Croatia....sloppy game. I will chalk it up to first game jitters. I have Germany and Spain in the championship game...with money one the line.
************

"I don’t know much, but a suspect a lot of things."

Arguably my best now dead friend, had that framed and hung on his wall in his office. I miss him very much.

Those zany Saudis....

I masturbate with my feet so I don’t have to interrupt my drinking.

Each year in the US, more than 1.7 billion pounds of bacon are consumed. That's equivalent to 8 1/2 Nimitz aircraft carriers.
(could that be true?)

I've been thinking a lot about miracles lately. I imagine lining up every unexplained event from the beginning of civilization - from snake charming to pulling rabbits out of a hat to statues of gods rising out of a lake to turning water into wine and comets that portent doom. Line them up on a timeline and have a religious person point to each one and explain it. I can hear tens of thousands of "Magic Tricks perpetrated by manipulative bastards who stand to profit from fools believing it" until about 2000 years ago when I would hear a dozen or so "Miracles by the creator of the entire universe" followed by a couple of million "Magic Tricks, etc". Then I would smile and say, "How....convenient."

How come nobody in an action movie has to ever plug in their cell phone?

Good for very small nails, I guess...

...but why does it have only one claw? 
I have three pneumatic hammer guns for various sized nails. Could be the best purchases of my life.

I'll let this speak for itself...

Ladies, it's okay to be a human woman.

I think the funniest thing I ever saw was me trying to run with a full erection. If you haven’t already, you ought to try it at least once before….you know.

I’ve spent the last 40 years building up an immunity to alcohol.

How clever...

My reaction every time my wife tries her hand at logic...

The trend against vaccinations is bringing back natural selection.

Photography...

 Check out the shadows on the snow....mesmerizing.

One Of My Very Own...

Always wear your invisible crown.

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

His face is priceless...

You can buy a birthday cake if it's not your birthday, those dipshits don't even check your ID.

They don't build them like they used to...

Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense. 

"Real"

Doctors said it was the worse playground accident they had ever seen. I just hung there for two straight days….and nights.

Hell, yes...

I get why you are upset with me, but what did my horse do to deserve the same fate?

I STILL think this is funny...

I actually enjoyed that movie...especially the pirate.

My wife changed her Facebook status from “Married” to “Widowed”. Should I be worried?

Instead of getting their period, women should just get to sleep for 5 days straight every month. Everybody wins.

If men had periods, they would brag about the size of their Tampons.

Not this dramatically, but I sat on a deck and watched people do shit like this for a week in Porte Rico...

If anyone can have it…I don’t want it.

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

One Of My Very Own...

Why do you people think Jesus is coming back? He wasn’t nailed to a fucking boomerang.

(what I imagine an Australian aborigine would say after contacting a missionary)

This is true... 

Is it cruel to laugh at that?

Two words to freaky anyone out? “Don’t blink.”

This is exactly the way I felt every time a young teacher would start her first year all enthusiastic and shit, then by Christmas she's cursing about the bullshit she has to do...

This is a good idea...

I’m obsessed with trying not to worry about things.

I HATE BUMPER STICKERS - Unless I’m on the fence about something, in which case I like to stroll through my local mall’s parking lot and soak up all the knowledge.

Why real warriors aren't left-handed...

And remember, those things are hot!

Don’t you hate it when you have so much legroom on an airplane that you can’t reach the pocket on the chair in front of you?

 Oh, look, here he is again...

I read that 7 out of 10 American children couldn’t swim the length of an Olympic-sized swimming pool if their lives depended on it. Wouldn’t you love to know the morbid methodology they used to get that statistic?

Go fucking figure...

I drink to forget rehab.

Rugby...

 When asked about the incident later, he said he just got carried away and owes the guy a pint.

Remember, as soon as you touch someone without permission, it's assault...

If you’re going to be dumb, you better be tough.

The question isn’t ‘Why would the government abuse the NSA spying’, the question is ‘Why WOULDN’T the government abuse it’. Their track record is abundantly clear. Given the power, government will fuck you up.

AND THEN THERE'S THIS...
Read an op-ed piece I liked. If interested, here it is...
http://www.thestate.com/2014/06/12/3502372/thomasson-another-afghan-tragedy.html

THERE WILL BE A FULL POST SATURDAY AND SUNDAY, BUT WHAT WITH ALL THE WORLD CUP GAMES, DON'T EXPECT A LOT OF COMMENTS.