FRIDAY #2056

This was the acting Police Chief of my city...

 He and my wife are good friends. And this is a headline on a recent article about him...

Ain't this some shit...

Yes, this educated Jew advocates tracking down and raping the sisters and wives of terrorists....as a deterrent.
But Israel is not the only place with religious nutcases...

Notice him fighting back the smile at the wording...

Woman in front of me at the grocery checkout held up the line by writing a check....A CHECK! When she finally walked off I called out, "Say hello to Fred and Barney for me."

Welcome to the real world, kid. Enjoy your stay.

My wife on our honeymoon...

“We should see other people” almost always means: “I already am.”

Just try and act natural.

Did you notice him readjusting his rearview mirror?

Let's take another look at this...

Thank me later.

Georgine Schrodinger: “Where’s the cat?”

Erwin Schrodinger: “Ah, yes. About the cat: I’ve got good news or bad news.”

GS: “You mean good news AND bad news.”

ES: “No.”

Life is just a great story someone ruined with the truth.

My mom had a pretty heavy accent. It was most noticeable when she tried to say “I love you” and it came out “You’re a fucking disappointment.”

Understandably, people love to walk through the woods...

 The forest has the power to calm us. We listen to the scurrying animals and chirping birds and it is good. We take pictures. We talk about our treks with co-workers. Then we go back to our homes where we have purposely denuded of anything even approaching wilderness...

Why? How did this become the norm?

The I come across this...

A Southern Californian couple who scaled back watering their lawn amid the state's drought received a warning from the suburb where they live that they might be fined for creating an eyesore - despite emergency statewide orders to conserve. Michael Korte and Laura Whitney, who live near Los Angeles in Glendora, said on Thursday they received a letter from the city warning they had 60 days to green up their partially brown lawn or pay a fine ranging from $100 - $500. "I don't think it's right for us to start pouring water into our lawn in the middle of July during a drought," said Whitney.

So, why cut down all the trees in order to build a house?

Now go out and look at your yard. Think about all the maintenance...the sweat and/or money to clip all those millions of blades at the exact same height. We can do better, people. You MUST have better things to do.

Photographer's instructions to a nude model...

I can only assume because we don't like to move around that much anymore...

My new fetish is waiting in line at the DMV?

When the storm sewer gets overwhelmed...

Everybody dies, but not everybody lives.

My brain is 80% old jokes I will never tell again.

General Atomics has a new cockpit for their MQ-1 Predators and MQ-9 Reapers, two of the most common hunt-and-kill drones used by the USAF, capable of destroying basically any ground—and some air—targets.

Salt gun for shooting flies...

 ...but it cost $80.

When my wife is out of town...

Right now a baby is being born.

Right now someone just clogged a public toilet and is running out of the bathroom as fast as they can.

Life goes on.

Hopefully this is not the same person.

There are hundreds of these memes...

Am I the only one who wants to know what happened to the spider who first bit Spiderman?

All I care about is beer and like 3 people.

It really doesn’t matter who the president of the United States is, Americans will still hate him anyway.

A root canal...

They would have to put me out until next Tuesday before I agreed to that.

Another man I would like to meet...

Fuck racism.

A laptop keypad with the dot illusion...

 The dot illusion? Just move your eyes over the number keys and watch the black dots come and go.

If you're on Ocala, FL city property and your pants hang more than 2" below your "natural waistline," you face a $500 fine, and for repeat offenders, jail.

Corpse mistaken for mannequin and tossed in  dumpster. That's the second time this year this has happened in the Tampa Bay area. 
Why does all the weird shit happen in Florida?

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name and you’ve never been there before.

 OOMVO...

I don’t have a substance abuse problem. I have a Taco Bell abuse problem.

It’s good to see the youth finally getting involved in local politics…

41% of all people are solely motivated by the drive to eat pizza.

Well, Zed, our plot is foiled...

When you’re watching porn and someone pops up on a live webcam masturbating.

Lovely people those Canadians. So gentle, civilized…until you give them a hockey stick.

And what about the "A woman should be able to control her own body" argument for abortion. Shouldn't the same thing be said for renting out your vagina? 

I am not easily impressed, but....

Alice is being such a “K” word.

     I think you mean “C” word.

Alice has cancer!?

    “Cunt”

Alice has cunt cancer?!

This happens to me all the time, and, frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of it...

“Out of the Furnace” – Woody Harrelson, Christian Bale, William Dafoe, Forest Whitaker.

You need to watch this movie.

 A true citizen of the world...

When in Washington, DC, I sat in front of the painting on the right for about an hour...

Along with Antimatter and Dark Matter we have recently discovered the existence of Doesn’t Matter, which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever.

Look at this man. So much hope for a different world...and he fucked us just like down deep we all knew he would...

 I, for one, believe that history will not treat him kindly...

 And we are all getting tired of this bullshit...

AND THEN THERE'S THIS...

When I was in school, every month or so we practiced what to do in case of a nuclear attack. Yes, this is the best they could come up with....get under your desk.
Even at that young age I knew I was fucked. I wanted that motherfucker to be reinforced concrete....with a thick steel door...and some water....and a candle....and a girlie magazine. I figured they never really thought through the problem with as much attention to detail as I.
And after I had already posted all the rest, I came upon this.
I have no idea why it was invented, but I want one...

TWO FULL POSTS THIS WEEKEND