MONDAY #2171

Louis Armstrong and Velma Middleton - "Baby, It's Cold Outside"

For your scrolling pleasure.

NEWSY BITS...

As an old nuke guy, this hit home...

Nuclear weapons crew had Just one wrench for 450 intercontinental ballistic missiles

Crews that maintain the nation’s 450 intercontinental ballistic missiles had only a single wrench that could attach the nuclear warheads. They started FedExing the one tool to three bases spread across the country. No one had checked in years to see if new tools were being made. 

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You can't help but being impressed...

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Wife sent me this about predators. After reading it I emailed her back: "That's why it ought to be illegal to be stupid."
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mollyhensleyclancy/lower-education
The "university" advertises on the most debased of all TV programs...so listen closely for the next 2 minutes...

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 The website where he bought that shirt sold out...oh...INSTANTLY!!

Are feminists really that thin skinned? I mean it...I actually have never discussed it with a real, dyed in the wool, feminist. Any of you bitches out there?
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The Central Japan Railway Company has invited members of the public to take test rides on its new magnetically levitated train, which goes over 300 mph.

They have TV screens that show the view out of the front of the train and its exact speed.

 All those years I lived in Europe, I learned to just multiply by 6 to convert km/h to mph. You get use to dropping the last numbers very quickly. 100 km/h = 60 mph.
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And a headline you may have missed....

Competition to name new leisure centre in Selby won by man who chose Selby Leisure Centre.
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And now for the important news...

 I am so confident that my Green Bay Packers will win the Super Bowl, that I bought ANOTHER genuine article of their clothing...

The EXACT hat worn by Aaron Rodgers in his post game interview. Hey...real fans do shit like that. I mean the last time it go cold enough down here for a hat like that was during the Little Ice Age when Washington crossed the frozen Delaware River.

I’m glad I don’t work in customer service, cause the way I talked to that Time Warner guy today, I would have cussed myself out.

- my daughter

Beauty is in the eye of...

 ...those are young men.
Yeah, I don't know how they do that either, but my guess is a ton of fucking drugs invented by some guy named Brad.

Want to guess what this is about?

The rhino has an eye infection and the hood is to shield his eye from the flies.

Palestinians go to school...

From the mouths of babes...

I never knew that they had their own currency at one time...

Your woman shows her true face not on wedding day, but on divorce day.

People walk past an installation by artist Eric Doeringer called “The Hug” showing 40.000 One dollar bills during the exhibition “Shit and Die” as part of the “Artissima” art fair at Palazzo Cavour on November 5, 2014, in Turin.

 I should have been called in as an unpaid consultant.

By the way, my latest money sculpture is kicking my ass.

Today my doctor gave me an x-ray of my new knee replacement...

Happiness is not being at the dentist office. It’s just that simple. And when I’m unhappy I use A LOT of expletives. That’s why they put me in the room at the very end of the hallway...the one with the thick door.

My wife admitted that her ‘time of month’ was the only time she could ‘be herself’, and that, Gentle Reader, scared the holy shit out of me.

This is so tragically true...

And I was there to witness the transition. 20 years in the classroom and toward the end, I just stopped calling parents of unruly children because it was NEVER the kid's fault....NEVER. 

I used to take my very young daughter to my studio and find her things to do while I worked. Once I showed her a picture of a young ballerina and asked her to draw it, suggesting that she not look at it as a person, but rather shapes, like letters or numbers, and just draw what you see...

She fucking nailed it, but then became extremely angry with herself when she blew a foot. I tried praising her for the part she got right, but she would have none of it.

Through the years I would like her do just about anything she wanted to do...

 ...but she decided to become a scientist instead of an artist. I accept her decision.
It is my opinion that artists and scientists have a lot in common, and that thing is creativity. Both must look at things in a different way. See things that others don't see. Otherwise you are just puking into the wind.

 This is what I see when my wife starts explaining the "healthy" menu she has planned...

Not too long ago I ordered whole milk at a restaurant and it tasted like a milk shake. I was flabbergasted that she allowed me to drink it.

I've been on roads like this often...

And I've always wanted to stop and paint this right across the road in the middle of nowhere...

Wouldn't that be a hoot!
How much trouble do you think I would get in if I got caught. What I mean is, would there just be a fine or do you think I will get jail time?

I like elephants. I read an article about the amazing things they are capable of doing...like recognizing the skull of long dead friend, etc...

 The one thing that puzzled me was their ability to reject certain offspring. They will just keep kicking the baby until it runs off, never to return.
Wardens sometimes rescue these babies and surprisingly, they were not deformed in any way....or at least in anyway we humans could detect.

The Bee Gees, 1959

 I think we can be sure they all had the same father.

I know there is an abundance of genetic modification, pesticides, herbicides, etc, etc, but we are about to feed the world. You want to fuck with a system like that?

Miles of water and sand on the coast of Namibia...

The EPA and other regulatory agencies in the federal government have the power to create laws without any input from the people we elect to make those laws...

 It works this way: They come up with a new regulation and if the legislature doesn't reverse it in a certain amount of time, then it's law. The latest is a bastardization of "American Waterways", for which the EPA can regulate at will. Originally an American Waterway was any major waterway that is used for commerce. Then years ago they took charge of any waterway that drained into an American Waterway. Then this year they took control of any water (even standing water in that low spot in your yard after a rain) that might feed a water course that feeds an American Waterway.

When conservatives gripe about too much regulation, this is the sort of thing that concerns them.

Regulations like that made my friend spend $23K on landscaping a tiny parking lot for 11 employee cars.

I've never understood why people tolerate being told what to do so easily.

You have probably noticed by now that I am a grown man, and as such, I don't need anyone telling me what I can and can not do as long as I don't hurt anyone else.
But I've never heard from the other side. There must be some of you people who LIKE being told by the government what you can and can not do with your life. I would love to hear your rationale. 

All the asteroids discovered to date in one intimidating visualization...

And everything will be fine if they just mind their own business.

Polymer balls that are invisible in water...

Why does Subway even have a tip jar? Don’t you think if I had an extra dollar I would have added bacon?

Shutting the fuck up is gluten free. Add that to your diet.

One Of My Very Own...

Sitting on the toilet so long your feet go to sleep.

I love language. I do that sort of parsing all the time.

I have a beer refrigerator in my studio, but I always keep a six-pack in the fridge in the house for special occasions. Sometimes that special occasion is that I have a six-pack in the fridge in the house.

A guy bought this at a flea market...

 Found a compartment in the bottom...

 It had a message...

 Indeed...

Why is the reply to “Don’t swear in front of the children” always, “Shit, sorry.”

Any job that you can sit on your ass, smoke and drink while doing is not a real job...

A real headline...

My wife said that boys never grow up, their toys just get more expensive. She didn’t see the irony in that statement.

I really mean that. You do have a choice.
A couple of weeks ago I discovered I had a flat tire on my truck. I immediately smiled at how very long it had been since I had had to deal with that problem. Then I found out that AAA would change my tire FREE!...in my own driveway!!!

Stumbled across this image...

 And one of the shells had a holy moly. I have a whole curtain on my porch made out of hundreds of those.

If you eat something and nobody sees you eat it, it has no calories.

These are bricks of wax...

They were used to make this house...

 ALL of the other details of the house where made of casted wax...as is the "mortar". 

It's an art installation that is designed to melt over time...

 This was an exchange between two students in a middle school, so says both students and the teacher...

The white boy was suspended for casting a racial slur. 
I'm not race-baiting. I'm just suggesting that many white people, including me, don't even know what the rules are anymore...where the lines are that we must not pass.

This man sells shoe laces...

Lots and lots and lots of shoe laces.

There are so many of these on line, I'm beginning to think it's done on purpose...

Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn’t want to go to in the first place.

Photography...

The emotion...out of stone...

Am I the only one extremely suspicious in communal showers?

And the robot nails the landing... 

Street Baller Sean Garnier dressed up as an old man.

No matter how cute it might sound to you, never, ever call your wife “my chubsy wubsy.”

How many times keys get pressed in a Chopin's Etude Op. 10.

My ex-wife majored in Chopin. Once she got her degree she never played it again.