MONDAY #4842

 One Of My Very Own

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EMAIL: ralh.henry.at.folio.olio@gmail.com

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THE WAR

*Verifications Requested

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ON RUSSIA AND RUSSIANS

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They have a long history of jokes about the USSR and Russia. Please enjoy some of them in these trying times.

The prisoner asked another prisoner what was his crime:

- Nothing

- And how long is your sentence?

- 25 years.

- Liar! Nothing gets you just 10 years!

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Happened in Texas. Local farmer shows around his property to a Russian visitor.

- My farm is so big, it takes 10 days to drive around it.

- Yeah, well, we have that kind of car in Russia, too.

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A genie promised one wish, but whatever was wished, their neighbor would get it doubled.

A Swede hoped for a grand villa, got it, and his neighbor got two. A Finn hoped for one million Euros and similarly, he got one and his neighbor got two.

The Russian pondered for a moment and said: please remove my other testicle.

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A Russian man walked into a store

- Got any carrots?

- No we don’t and I don’t think there will be any soon.

The next day the man comes again.

- Got any carrots?

- Still no, probably not in weeks.

Next day:

- Got any carrots?

- We don’t have any carrots! And if you ever come again here asking, I’ll nail you into the wall from your ears!

The next morning the guy comes again.

- Got any nails?

- No we do not have any nails.

- Got any carrots?

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Wife: How good are you at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it.

Wife: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?

Me: Word.

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If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

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PONDERABLES

How much is your time worth? You have to factor that into your cost analysis.

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We have dumped this burden on our children and grandchildren. How stupid is that?

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I'll go first:

Groundhog Day

2001: Space Odyssey

Cool Hand Luke

Quest For Fire

Debbie Does Dallas

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How very clever.

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Double Smash Beef Patty, American Cheese, Smoked Brisket Sautéed In House BBQ Sauce, Slow-Smoked Beef Rib, Southern-style Comeback Sauce And Tangy Barbecue Sauce On 3 Pieces Of Texas Toast

From Craft By Smoke and Fire/Smoke & Fire Social Eatery In Anaheim, La Habra, Paramount, Pomona, CA

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Why are we obsessed with ever-higher sandwiches?

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*I lay the blame square at the feet of organized religion.

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My only hope is that each and every one of you has the opportunity to love another human being as much as I love my grandson.

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You do not need to meditate. You do not need a journal. You do not need yoga. What you need is for the people in charge to have a logical and humane response to the utter chaos happening right now.

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In movies, the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality.

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DO THE MATH

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It took me a few seconds to realize what they were doing.

π=dC

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The guy in the math textbooks...

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Imagine the physics of that shot. And his brain does it all more or less instantly.

There was a WWII damn buster bomb that used the same skipping-on-water technique.

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This is my nephew with a Holy Moley.

I'm a collector of many things. I have also helped my friend collect "Star Dollars". 

And after five or so years we have collected almost all of them from our area. I haven't found one in over a year.

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What's a nihilist's favorite fruit?

Despair.

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How are we still getting a new year? We couldn’t even take care of the last one.

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THINGS I DIDN'T KNOW YESTERDAY

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I don't know if this is a kit you can buy or not.

But if it's not it ought to be. I would strongly suggest projects that teach rather than say Star Wars props, etc.

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Setenil de la Bodegas, Spain is unique for the town’s architecture defined by the huge rock formation it’s set under.

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I had no idea that was possible on that scale.

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Put me in the game, coach!

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My studio is directly behind my garage and separated by about 8 feet.

I built a walkthrough that does not touch the ground. In this walkthrough, I drilled a hole in the floor and installed a PVC pipe topped with a large funnel to use as a 'pee pipe'.

For years the moisture around the pipe was evidence that I was a very sloppy urinator.

Then this morning I turned on the light and found the puddle above. Come to find out all those years of guilt were actually my neighbor's cat playing a strange game of monkey see monkey do and soiling my floor.

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I just noticed that by slightly pressurizing the bag that it behaves like a rocket engine.

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What if salt is not the only delicious rock? I'm going to eat random rocks in hopes one of them tastes good.

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Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realize what the important thing in your life is. It’s your phone.

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FOR AMUSEMENT ONLY

Just heard that they are thinking of doing away with daylight saving. Does anybody have an opinion on that?

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Dana Bash

The CNN anchor had her cameraman show us the skies over Ukraine which sort of looked like this and said...

"As you can see by the entrails, Russia does not have air dominance."

I was waiting for the pilot's guts to rain down.

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Many years ago I ran across this and decided I could do better myself and started One Of My Very Own.

I visited the site for years and there was NOT ONE funny enough for me to post on Folio Olio. Then just yesterday I found this which I thought very clever.

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*Bonnie would probably be singing a different tune if she was getting railed in a sundress.

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All thing Anatidae...

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Hell, even I could beat a child much less a sick one.

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Raising Children...wait for it...

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It's always funnier when it involves religious relics.

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