Her reaction when she heard of the plans to build a mosque near Ground Zero...

Dear Conservatives,

Read the constitution. I think that the mosque's location is needlessly provocative and insensitive, but do we really want the government telling Americans where they can and can't build their shrines to their invisible god?

With that said, let me add. After 9/11 there were mass rallies in Rome, Paris, Berlin to show their solidarity with America. Where were the US muslims? Why didn't they lead the charge of condemnation? And please don't point out press releases or a spattering of speeches. I don't buy it.

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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!

My daughter sent me an interesting fact a while back and I passed it on to you. It had to do with the inability of a person to tickle themselves. The research stated that the tickle sensation had more to do with the uncertainty of when or if it would stop than the physical feeling. Well, that was wrong. I will explain farther down this post.

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Listen, bitch, if men could actually fuck themselves, then you would be paying your own way into the damn movie. *****

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

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Crude, but effective. This may be the best news this young man gets all year...

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No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

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(if you don't get this....ask your husband) *****

Let me tell you what it's like being old. TRUE: Sunday I took my truck to a charity car wash. All of the girls were wearing bikinis. I went to drink a beer while they washed it. Yes, gentle readers, your day is coming....(no pun intended). *****

I've never understood this whole gluttony thing. I have often said that if I could take a pill every day to keep me healthy, I would rather not eat again. I hate eating. I hate the shopping. I hate the standing in the line. I hate the cooking. I hate the chewing. I hate the clean up. But maybe that's just my lazy ass. *****

Bacon and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

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If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

****** Dear Mr. President,

We NEED you to get presidential. You were elected to change the bullshit in Washington, but under your watch it has only gotten worse. Many of us who voted for you are extremely disappointed.

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The sign says "Viagra".

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Prostitutes: You don't pay them for sex; you pay them to leave in the morning.

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I have concluded that the game is fixed. It has always been fixed and there is nothing we (just middle class laborers) can do to stop it being fixed. Without power we will get fucked every time. Do a little research if you don't believe me. Find out the growth in millionaires during the depression. It's an eye opener.

Paddle faster I hear banjos!

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ROCK BOTTOM.....

he's about to hit it face first...

Yeah, duck hunting is kind of like that...

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If you don't get this, ask your stoner son. *****

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

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If there are limits to what your pride will allow you do, it's only because you haven't had to..........yet.

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You may have noticed that I am a big fan of mocking protesters. And these pompous, pious, petty, perverts deserve all the mockery they can get. Which one of these guys would you like to spend all day in a bass boat with?

I'm not saying that there should be capital punishment for stupidity, but why can't we just take the warning labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?

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Speaking of such... *****

Exercise can add several months to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!!

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We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

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TICKLING: A person can, in fact, tickle themselves. Just try scratching the roof of your mouth.

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One of my very own... Allow me to explain my methodology. I select old images without any idea of what caption I will add. Then at night, after significant beer, I stare at them and let the image write its own caption. I have absolutely no idea what the original painting meant, but a blind guy groping women just worked for me.

This next one...if you think of it just right...practically wrote itself.

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