THINGS THAT I HAVE TROUBLE EXPLAINING

( and that is a feat )

I spent 6 weeks traveling across America "tagging" various places I found of interest with randomly numbered brass tags. This next person took my idea to a whole nother level...

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I like to finish all of my sentences with the words "According to prophesy".

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I can only assume that this is a bridge that is no longer in use as a highway. If you have any ideas on this or any of the other images below, please leave a comment, according to prophesy. *****

I like to make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

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??????.....anybody got an idea about this???? *****

Friends are like mushrooms. When you devour them they die.

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DUDE?!?!?! And if you think this is fake, I have some bad news for you. You see, he's showing god that he is a true believer. (He even decorated the ax) *****

Being able to hug someone who just puked on you is true friendship. Period.

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Yeah, women are really, really good at multi-tasking....

TRUE: There was a study done about multi-tasking and it was proved that women do, in fact, multi-task more than men. But all their tasks were done badly.

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A vegetarian friend of mine told me that I'm not "evolved" because I eat meat. She said that people only started eating cows because they were savages and didn't know any better.

What a crock of shit!

People began eating cows because they are easy to catch. We weren't savages, we were just lazy. A cheetah might taste like chocolate heroin, but we'll never know. Those little bastards are fast.

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With luck, I would be in the car four blocks to the right with no idea what awaited me... *****

Have you ever had sex that was so good that you went home and told your wife about it?

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If you missed Dr. Laura's N-word tirade, well, here's my take on it anyway. She has a call in radio show and the issue arose about people using the word nigger. She wondered, as I have, how we got to a point in our supposedly shared culture that a single word is allowed in one culture but not in another. I ask, Who makes these fucking rules? Can I state that the word "Juxtapostion" is offensive to me and DEMAND that if I hear it, then I have a RIGHT to be offended....UNLESS, somebody that looks like me says it, then it's okay.

Look, ya'll, I'm not a racist, but I detest irrationality. Allowing a word to be shouted in movies, songs and by comedians and calling it entertaining, but then attacking another person on a bus for saying the same word is, by definition, insane. How is it we...YOU AND I, allowed ourselves to sink to this level? Why do we abide by rules that are totally irrational? *****

I've always wanted to feed bacon to pigs just to see what happens.

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If you don't get this, it's okay...it really is.... *****

I have 2 kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and 2 money?

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I'm offended! Female genitalia = Vagina....Male genitalia = Weiner. What's up with that? *****

Now allow me to regress. One of the main differences between men and women is the ability to listen to a story. A man can be telling a story of a recent road trip that involved: a stormy night, a broken down car, a muddy trek to a castle, moans from the second floor, the approaching snarls of a pack of wolves, and the gong of a grandfather clock, and at the whispered words "And then" the woman in the group will then interject, "My grandmother had a grandfather clock in her hallway. It was made in Germany and I always loved that clock, but it got burned up when my brother, Clarence, was playing with matches. Clarence graduated from Clemson with a degree in....."

Men called that "Stepping on Someone Else's Story". Women call it....just being a woman.

Thank you for you patience.

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So, after descending all those stairs, what exactly do you do? Lay out on a fucking rock?...a narrow rock? Assuming, of course, that you just left a villa with a pool. *****

Sometimes I like to go to the library and tear out the last few pages of mysteries.

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Who thinks up this shit? *****

One of the side effects of having sex on the beach is that now I have a tan line shaped like your sister.

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(you might want to enlarge) Because of my...sojourn into writing books that required research, I have spent much time on the translation sites. This is exactly what would happen. Going from English to, say, French, then back again ALWAYS results with something you did not intend. Try it...it's rather humorous.

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I took an online intelligence test and one of the questions was: Name something commonly found in cells.

Apparently "African Americans" is not the correct answer.

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Replace fear of the unknown with curiosity....please.

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In an alternate universe far, far away.... *****

This next one just struck my fancy... *****

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a creationist to obtain a PhD in evolutionary biology.

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This, dear readers, is a bar of chocolate....it's kind of like going head over heels in love...or something akin... *****

WARNING!! THIS IS NOT A DARE! I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DARE.

It's just a fact. Eatyoursoup.com almost made me puke.

Once it is seen...it can't be unseen...

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Could we assume there is a large readership for this book? *****

Actual question on a personality test:

How often do you think about touching other people's private parts?

(I would have asked, "You mean besides yours?")

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Precisely! *****

Okay, this one no longer confuses me. It's part of the photographers work who posed dancers in various places. I still like it very much. *****

?????????

What next?.....Oh, yeah....

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This may be a prop for a movie or something, but I really don't know... But I want one!

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Hitler has made a come back on the internet, and I am very relieved that 99% reticule him.... *****

"What are you going to do with that old helicopter in the back yard, dear?"

"Well, honey, I have an idea." *****

One of my very own... Think about that a minute. Of all the secrets of the physical universe he supposedly knew....not one did he share. (and "be nice to one another" doesn't count, since ALL gods say that)

Can you imagine letting a book written 2000 years ago govern your...oh, water purification, or transportation problems, or medicine or ANY other aspect of your life other than heaven? I didn't think so.

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Dear Men,

You will like this.

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