IT'S TRUE STORY TIME BOYS AND GIRLS!!!

(the following images reminded me of stories I would like to share)

During my time in Germany repairing nuclear missiles, I happened to be one of the very first patrons of the first restaurant in the town where I lived that offered pizza. My buddies and I asked the waiter for a deluxe pizza. He, speaking very limited English, had no idea what we meant. After a few minutes, he brought a young man out of the kitchen who spoke a few words of English and we told him that we wanted a pizza with everything on it.

"Everything?" he asked.

"Everything you have in the kitchen," we said.

When the pizza was delivered it had a little of EVERYTHING in the kitchen, including lettuce, Wiener Schnitzel, croutons, bits of ox tail soup, crumbles of cake, just to name a few, plus two eggs on top that looked just like the unrelated image above. It was fucking delicious!

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As we traveled through Alaska in a camper, in every campground at which we stopped I stuck all the change we had into the bark of trees. I don't know why. Except maybe this: I like the idea of a person coming along, seeing the coins in the bark and asking, "Why would anybody do such a thing?" Why indeed! I would offer an explanation of Easter Island, Stonehenge, Cave Paintings, and other such "unexplained" phenomenon as...listen carefully.....IT'S JUST SHIT THAT SOME PEOPLE DO!!! LET IT GO!

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My friend, Rupert, is a Star Trek fan and during the time he owned a wing restaurant he donated wings for a mini-convention held at a downtown hotel. The "guest" was the man pictured above; James Doohan.

Rupert asked me to help him carry all the trays up to the meeting room, and I agreed. As we waited, a young woman came into the room and screamed her instructions, among which were: Don't speak to "Scotty" unless he speaks to you, You can only have one object signed, If you want more than one item signed you must get in the back of the line again, Do not touch him under any circumstances, and Do not raise your voice.

Doohan was in and out of the room in about 20 minutes, so Rupert and I gathered up his wares and went to the elevator. When the doors opened there stood Doohan and the bitch, who had had just enough time to go up and get their luggage. On the way down I informed the man that my friend had donated the wings for the event and displaying a photograph asked if he would sign it.

Without even glancing in my direction he whispered, "I don't sign anything standing up."

So, when we got back to Rupert's restaurant I forged the signature. The photograph still hangs in Rupert's office.

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I had completed barbecuing a cut-up chicken and was headed toward the back door with them when I tripped over the mat. Several pieces fell to the porch floor.

Facts you need to know: My dogs sleep on that porch; my dogs shed a lot; my wife eats only white meat; I eat only dark meat; and there was nothing else in the house to eat and I was starving.

The only three pieces of the chicken to fall off the plate and bounce into the corner where the dog hair was the thickest were white meat. I immediately picked up the pieces and blew on them, but with that BBQ sauce the old blowing trick didn't stand a chance. So with my finger I scraped off the sauce and got as many hairs as was possible with Debbie calling to find out what was taking so long....then....I quickly covered up the remaining hairs with a new layer of BBQ sauce. Then I sat across from her to see what would happen. She never knew.

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Without getting into the details, I was staying at a house that had a concrete sidewalk around to the back. Right after the concrete had been poured, there was an invasion of these frogs, all about as big as the image above. Hundreds of the frogs became mired in the concrete and died, leaving a perfect impression of their spread-eagled little bodies. It was one of the coolest things I've ever seen.

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My friend, Rupert, asked me to paint a sign for his new restaurant, The Blue Dog Cafe. The logo had a blue tick hound asleep inside a crescent moon. When he came to see the finish panel he asked me what the name of his restaurant was and I said, Blue Dog Cafe. He pointed. In huge 18 inch letters I read: BLUE MOON CAFE.

I know misspelling!

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I took my young daughters to a water slide one time. They were young enough that for the first few times I walked up with them, but then I would just stand in the pool and wait for them to come down. While I was waiting, a girl of about 17 or 18 slid down and when she stood up out of the pool, her bathing suit top had become untied from her nape area and was hanging down...leaving her completely exposed. She had no idea of her...problem...and just stood doing that throwing her hair back over her head thing that women do. I began to laugh. Her friends began you yell at her and then she looked down, then she looked at me...standing about 5 feet from her. She grabbed the suit and yanked, but instead of positioning the garment properly, the bottom of the bra was forced up and over her breasts. The she yanked down, then she yanked up with the exact some results. This poor young woman did this repeatedly until she just collapsed into the pool, got control of herself and clothed herself properly. I, however, was laughing so hard that I had dropped to my knees.

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I was painting murals in the small town of Falmouth, Kentucky. Every day while I worked a creepy looking old man would sit on one side of the street and whittle until the sun got too high, then he would move to a bench on the other side of the street. I talked to him a little, but I was busy. Then I hired a young man to assist me and he told me that the old man used to make a lot of money from strangers in town with this bet. He would bet that he could lay his dick on the pool table and line up a dozen quarters from base to tip without the last one falling off. The young guy said that he never lost the bet. But then he started betting that he could slide a dozen donuts on is penis, with the same outcome.

Thus the caption below.

That young man also said that other people had walked by the man's farm at night and heard awful moaning noises coming from the horses and cows, but since he hadn't heard it with his own ears he didn't know if it was truth that he fucked them every evening.

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