If it wasn't for my wife I wouldn't even get dressed in the morning. And I don't mean dressed "up"; I wouldn't put on any clothes at all. The only reason I don't do it now is that my wife thinks that my body is so grotesque that I feel compelled to shield her from my hideousness. But you can expect that when you marry someone so much younger than yourself.
I've had two wives and prior to the signing of the documents I told both of them about Rule #1: I would never ever do anything I didn't want to do. My wishes were respected....within reason. This weekend I am in Greenville, South Carolina attending a wedding of one of my wife's cousins who already has three illegitimate children and wants to get married in a long white dress and in a church because; to quote her words - "I've always wanted to."
Tonight we were obliged to eat at Red Lobster with a dozen or so relatives who had not made the cut to attend the rehearsal dinner. I was seated on the end of the table with the old men...other old men.
Now, I got nothing against drooling, I just don't want to look at it while I'm eating. I listened to 28 minutes of conversation that consisted entirely of prime time TV shows that they liked but couldn't remember the names of. The flow of the discussion went something like this:
"You know, the one with the woman in it."
"Blond or dark headed?"
"Kind of dark, I guess. She cries a lot."
"Well, hell, Floyd, that could be any of 'em. Did she shoot anybody last night?"
"Hell, I don't know. I refuse to watch commercials and I change the channel. Then I forget which channel to switch it back to."
Eating at a normal pace I still finished an hour before the other men. Lack of teeth, although a contributor to the problem, was not the primary cause. Tremors were the primary cause. When they finally managed to lade the Good Ship Oneida Stainless, half the cargo fell overboard before it had even left the dock.
Then it was time to leave and it took another 30 minutes for them to stuff their styrofoam to-go cartons with EVERYTHING REMAINING ON THE TABLE. Besides any uneaten food, they emptied the bread baskets of any bread or bread scraps (for breakfast I was told), took toothpicks, butter, sour cream from the table and straws from all the drinks.......STRAWS!!!
My wife really appreciates my sacrifice. I can tell by the way she touches me on the shoulder and looks down at me with the same expression she would have had I just been diagnosed with lupus.
Stretching Rule #1 way, way beyond the breaking point, tomorrow I get to walk into a church. I will, of course, keep you informed.
Here is what I plan to ask everyone with whom I come in contact....kind of like a survey...
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Now a frabjous collection of
ANIMALS THAT I DON'T HATE
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Goats on the Damn
You like the word frabjous? Today's word of the day. I also like to use the word "indeed" from time to time. It makes you sound intelligent. It's hard to pull off unless you have multiple degrees like I do. Indeed.
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I lied. Not all of these images are of animals I don't hate. I hate cats. People's homes who own cats either smell like cat urine (which the owners seem to have an immunity) or Glade plug-ins that are so strong passing cars roll up their windows.
If I were actually forced to share living quarters with a cat, I would make my own CD titled: Lobotomizing with a Meat Cleaver. Thank you.
(embarrassed to tell you, but this one took me a double-take)
Tragically, this is the exact moment that the researchers realized that some lions are much faster learners than others....
Look at the embarrassment on this dog's face. How could a "man" be that insensitive? If I witnessed this I would punch him so hard that words describing the impact would spontaneously materialize out of thin air. Not because he's gay, but because his dog is not.
THIS is what dogs are meant to do. On command he will gnaw whatever expression you happen to have right off your fucking face.
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After returning to our hotel room tonight, I put on my sweat pants and began to...adjust myself. My wife asked "Well, dear, how are your balls?" and I answered, "Spherical."
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If two men saw this drama unfolding, we would immediately make a wager on the outcome...my money would be on the bird.
WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
A guy made this. Women don't play with their food.
I'm sorry I missed this...
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"He came into town with his cock in hand, and what he did with it was illegal in 49 states." (IMDb tagline for the movie Cockfighter)*****
Anatidaephobia: fear that you are being watched by a duck.
There is a joke in here somewhere...
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I have never seen anything like this next one. The internet said that the longest caterpillar train was 79 miles long and stretched from Boise, Idaho, to just outside Denver...and why should the internet lie?
Of the ten dirtiest cities in the world, ranking right up there with Mumbai and Mexico City, are #3 Pittsburgh and #6 Los Angeles.
Many, many years ago, there was a cartoon that showed a cowboy and his horse going over a cliff. I stole the caption from that cartoon. And although my mother never cursed, she thought the cartoon very, very funny. And I've always remembered that.
One of my very own...
1 comment:
One of your best... I've always liked themed blog posts, especially when they are prefaced with militant athiesm.
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