Dear, dear readers, I have had one of the most extraordinary days of my life. In one year MY University of South Carolina, which was gracious enough to bestow upon me, a dump ass, two degrees, has beaten a Number One ranked team in Basketball, Baseball and, today, Football.  If you are not a fan of college sports and therefore have no idea why this is a momentous occasion, then get the fuck off my blog....you are not welcome here.

I watched the game at my local American Legion.  I arranged for a barbecued pig to be delivered. The place was packed.  The weather was perfect. One wonderful young woman fell out of her chair.  I immediately dubbed her the Chair-leader. Another young bride sitting next to me got so excited that she began clapping WITH HER CUP OF BEER IN HER HAND. 

All in all it was a day I will never forget.

When I got home my wife told me that at the conclusion of the game our street went nuts. There were people running up and down and fireworks and horn blowing and fornicating...but not one reported young woman falling out of her chair...lame that.

(did you know [I didn't] that the past tense of barbeQue is barbeCued? Go figure.)

GO COCKS!

There, I've said it...whispered it actually, since I've screamed so much today I can hardly talk.

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And now....

100% BIZARRE

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TRUE: Someone has found a way to add famous people to the list of friends on the NAMBLA Facebook page. 
Scary that.

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 Money can't buy everything, but no money can't either.

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TRUE: 1 in 5 British schoolchildren think that Buzz Lightyear was the first person to walk on the moon.

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TRUE: For years the husband of a woman in Sydney ridiculed her for always picking 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 as her lottery number. Last week she won $2.15 million.

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Speaking of camels, an Arab college student in America found a "device" attached to his car and after photographing it he put it on line to see if anyone knew what it was. The next day the FBI showed up demanding that their very expensive tracking device be returned.

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Thomas Jefferson had illegitimate kids in the 1700's and they just caught him a couple of years ago. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free, right?

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My wife told me I had to spend more time away from my computer and suggested I volunteer.  So I became the coach of the girls' swim team for teenagers. She asked me why a graybeard would want to coach a bunch of young girls and I told her I was passionate about the backstroke.
In truth, I just sit there in my lawn chair with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other and say, "Stroke. Stroke," just often enough to keep the bitches' heads afloat.

I like the word afloat.  I like awash and afoot and all kinds of words like that.  This is a sentence I made up for a book I wrote: He was taken aback by her affront.
I always wondered how many people caught the humor.

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"Is that a radiation-induced tumor growing out of your inner thight, or are you just happy to see me?"

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TRUE: Miss Kentucky Latina (Mexican) lost her crown and faces assault charges after being accused of beating a woman and stabbing a man in the neck with a ball-point pen.

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I love shit like this...It's me, don't you think?

I think I will steal the whole idea.  I just happen to have come into possession of dozens of leather watch bands (TRUE). The jewelry store next door to my wife's store went out of business and a couple of us had low enough self esteem as to go through their trash.  Another guy and I both saw a jewelry box, but it was locked.  When we shook it, we could hear that there was something metallic in it, so I said I would take it home and get it open and whatever was in there we would split. So I did. Very dramatically I lifted the lid and found....................the key...........................the fucking key.

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Yeah, basic training is kind of like that. I remember putting salt tablets in the canteen of a fat guy in line in front of me.  When he complained about the water being salty I craftily switched his canteen with mine and the drill instructor thought less of him.

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When Mrs. Greenburg finally recognized her seatmate, she screamed so loudly that it gave her a hemorrhoid and so high pitched that it killed a nearby K-9 police dog named Hester, who was, ironically, searching for the same seatmate.

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The Japanese just found a 25,000 year old mammoth in the ice in Siberia and are about to clone it.  You would think after Godzilla, the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals. 

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The classic one-piece outfit.,,,pants, top, bra and probably panties all in one....and probably pajamas.....and robe......and wedding dress.....

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I don't travel much, but some of my friends do.  Needless to say, I need to find a way to kick them off of my basketball team.

(they can't all be gems)

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What men do first when shown an antique or any other kind of doll: Look up its dress.

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I think the Japanese do this shit on purpose. It's their way at getting back at us for all those Engrish jokes we keep putting on line.

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TRUE: One of the most shocking things I have ever heard is that the North Koreans LIKE this bat shit crazy son of a bitch. That's what happens when you control the school systems and indoctrinate them from preschool.

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DOES......................NOT...................COMPUTE

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Holy fucking shit, ya'll, is nothing sacred? Rule #34.  If you don't know what Rule #34 is, Google it.

"Birth Certificate available upon request"....you can't make that shit up...

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Do the math to find explain the teacher's stupidity....please.....find the error......you will feel better about yourself....

(this is harder than you think...since it's not a math problem.  It's a logic problem. And without appearing gasconade, I'm very, very good at logic....thank you very much.

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(this is a spoof of a class synopsis of a course)

ABOUT THE PROFESSOR: Widely known as India's fastest talking scientist, Prof. Manaramayani moved to the United States earlier this morning to seek medical care for his speech impediment.

MOSTLY TRUE: I wanted to share that with you because I took Logic 101 and it was taught by a Korean graduate student.  The very first principle in logic is the If/Then clause, which goes something like this: If you jump out of the window, then you will hit the ground.

This young man opened the window, mimed all the appropriate moves, and said, "Ifa[[]id

aouul9e8r5, u[pek oa@*%#o tha97s woue9n93e, din you wu=wn a=ie g83e7."

I was the ONLY student to raise my hand and say something akin to "What the fuck did you say?"

The three students who stuck it out until the end of the semester figured out that he was just nervous. We tried everything to calm him down, but those slant eyes are just too high strung by nature, I guess.  Anyway, all of us remaining students got A's, not because we could understand a word he was saying, but because if 27 out of 30 of your students drop the course in the first week, and you flunk the other three, then your job security is pretty much back to the rice paddy, Tojo.

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One of my very own....

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