THINGS I WILL NEVER DO

I will never again spend time in a place with a temperature of -59 degrees...

I will never swim into an underwater cave on purpose...

I will never take a breathalyzer...

I will never jump from one rock to another with some skinny fuck holding the rope...

I will never spray graffiti on a goddamn fucking glacier you sick fuck.....

I will never steal a car...

I will never have intercourse (sexual or otherwise) with the Pope...

I will never put Christmas decorations on my house...

I will never tell a joke this bad again...

I will never allow a child to be in this predicament....

I will never spill beer...

I will never drive my car down a flight of stairs...

I will never lie to a woman in order to bed her...

I will never embroider Snookie...I SWEAR!

I will never allow my bones to be buried...

I will never play a musical instrument....something that disappoints me greatly...

I will never put shoes on a dog...

I will never have plastic surgery...like Kate Winslet...

I will never attend the Creation Museum....although it ought to be a hoot...

I will never "paint" a portrait with gum....(true)...

I will never text naked photos of myself...

I will never shave my mustache...

I will never run naked across the stage at the Academy Awards...

I will never mow my roof...

I will never dress as a goat...

I will never have a dog like my beloved Oreo...

I will never play Human Chariot....again....

I will never French kiss Hillary Clinton...

*****

WORDS OF INSPIRATION

Gen. Tommy Frank was once asked what was the best advice you have ever been given. He replied, To marry the girl I married. They asked who gave him that advice and he said, She did.

I know an archeologist whose career is in ruins.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: The doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which hold forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
(The universe is everywhere dense with idiots)

God killed his only son to save the world from...God. Shut up and take your meds.

Today I watched Cinderella backwards, then it's about a woman who learns her place.

*****

One of my very own...

WOMEN WHO LOOK LIKE SLUTS, BUT PROBABLY AREN'T...

TIMELY BONUS

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