Everything you ever wanted to know about your penis, but were too busy playing with it to ask.

My wife came upon this photo of me back when my dick used to get hard.

 On the same day I saw this cartoon...

( I, of course, could have figured out how to avoid what looks like a hopeless situation....if I had been young. )

Those two things (the photo of me and the cartoon) got me to thinking....which is always dangerous.

Back during the days my dick would get hard, I could hammer nails with that son of a bitch. I gave it my very best shot to wear that bastard out, and now, too late, I realize that that is exactly what I did. As a young man I used to draw faces on my hand like this...and she was like my first wife....the eternally willing one....what with her asking for it in that sexy french accent....

So, let me give you young men some timely advice.

You should totally, completely, obsessively abuse yourself and all willing and semi-willing accomplices. Do your wife or girlfriend as often as she will allow. Do larger pets and smaller farm animals. Do the pork roast thawing on the counter. Stick that thing in any and everything that catches your eye. 

I once flipped through the dictionary and every illustration I found I would ask myself if I had stuck my dick in it. When I finally found something that I had not stuck my dick in yet, I added it to my list:  Fun Things To Do On Friday Night.

But you young men should never, ever, end up an old man and wonder "What would it have been like if I had............"

You just gotta find that shit out for yourself.

You're welcome, but mind the VapoRub....and the Tabasco...and the Lava soap....and microwaved pot pies....