My birthday is this week, so as a public service I am posting gifts that I would like from my loyal readers.
You women out there have no idea how hard a man's dick gets when he sees a thing like this....
I know you have heard the rumors that there are enough thorns from the crown to built another cross, but this one is real.....IT'S IN A MUSEUM!!!!
You know what's funny about that? There is exactly as much evidence that this is a REAL crown of thorns thorn as there is that there was EVER a crown of thorns....NIL.
This one is cool as fucking shit....
I once told my wife that I wanted fried corn just like my mother used to make. She asked me how to make it and I didn't know, so I called Mom. My Mom said, "Okay, write this down....ready?" I told her I was, in fact, ready, and she said, "Cut the corn off the cob and fry it."
She was a very funny lady.
When cutting the corn from the cob, however, it has a habit of flying all over the kitchen. This device will solve that problem.
Two of you may need to go in together to purchase one of these...they look rather pricey...
And what are they? The coolest fucking skateboard in the world, that's what.
Those zany Indians.
I will pass this gift on to my wife, of course...she needs to work on her grip. I've found that a man will overlook countless flaws in a woman if she just has a good grip.
Ain't this somthin'?
The time is way, way overdue for the invention of this jewel....
If half as much mental energy had gone into improving the internal combustion engine as has gone into toasting fucking bread, we would all be flying around in one of those Jetson's cars by now...
Ain't this just adorable....
I'm sure they wouldn't mind standing there looking like your fucking slave bitch....
I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, Well, Ralph, you could actually make one of these yourself.
Do you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking, Fuck You! It's my birthday!
And I want one of these, even though I have no idea what it is or what it's used for.....check out the "explanative" illustration on the right....
I can fuck up even the easiest new invention...
"For the love of Piggly-Wiggly, why?!?"
One of my very own....
WOMEN WHO LOOK LIKE SLUTS,
BUT PROBABLY AREN'T....
"Here, Honey, let me help you with those."
2 comments:
Growing up as your child, I never felt bad that you never personally remembered my birthday. After all, as you yourself claimed, why remember it when you could write it down and stick it in your wallet? I recall you saying that you didn't even remember your own age, after repeating "I'm 36 years old" for all those newspaper interviews for years on end. Shit, my own husband lied about his birthday date for at least three years (it's a long and not such a bad story). Now, after all this time, I still don't mind that you probably don't know it's next week -- and more than that, I don't even mind if others don't remember that either. I consider it a Buddhist or nihilist or whatever philosophical freeing of my mind from meaningless trivial earthly details. Nonetheless, I had such a BIG SMILE upon seeing your post about your "April" birthday.....I will save my present buying -- and I *have* paid attention! to your present ideas -- for that month called "September"!!!!
PS -- I want the pistol meat grinder...!
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