CAPTAIN'S LOG: BEACH DAY - FIVE

Found dozens of Holy Moly's today. Must have been the storm.
It's shirt sleeve weather on the beach today. Going home tomorrow, which may be a good thing, what with the wife still talking like a pirate. It still......amuses me, but the waitstaff at the restaurants are having difficulty dealing with it. I usually wait until my wife's head is turned and do the old finger around the ear insanity symbol. After that they all look at me with sympathy, for not sending her to a home I assume. I'm hoping returning her to her own familiar surroundings will be a cure, but there's no guarantees what with how badly it's gotten a hold of her.
And if I hear 'Shiver my timbers' one more fucking time, I might take the bitch home tonight.
TRUE: (I swear) Tonight on the way home from the restaurant my wife uttered these words:
You want to make love to a pirate on the sofa in front of that big ass mirror?


I told her I would consider it if she would just take off the damn eyepatch. She answered with a prolonged, "Arrrrrgh!" that lasted far, far beyond the point of embarrassment.
This should be some indication of the seriousness of the situation.
At the restaurant the waitress whispered to me: "She needs help."
I said, "No, dear, I need help."


TRUE: On a lighter note, the owner of the restaurant came to our table and he was wearing a Holy Moly around his neck on a gold chain. I told him about my curtain and he said that he always kept a few of them to give to children when they commented on the necklace. I told him he should tell the kids that the next time they came in to eat he would buy each Holy Moly they brought him for a penny a piece.
The beauty of this is, of course, that the kids would demand to go back to that restaurant. He liked the idea.




PLACES AND THINGS I FIND SOMEWHAT INTERESTING...

As I understand it, this was once an insane asylum....I mean....damn.....

There is a video game named Snake and it looks just like this.....but without the trees or the mountain or the train...

Just a few Chinese college students waiting in line for a shower...TRUE!

CROSSWORD PUZZLE CLUE: For some it could be a lot.
_ _ _ _
[ ACRE ]




In Colombia the residents of this neighborhood faced a daily 35 minute climb out, damn near straight up as high as an 85 story building. So they installed escalators. 

That's the ISS......oh, and the moon....

Yeah, I was impressed with this also until I learned they were Hot Wheels.


And in the "Learn something new every day" department...

Speaking of leaning towers....
Masturbation confuses me. I mean all over the world men are masturbating as if there was a Masturbation Olympics and they were in training for the gold.
We all know it's a natural thing to do, kind of like a dog licking his own balls, but because some pervert thousands of years ago said something about "spilling your seed upon the ground", most of the world is consumed with guilt over something so beautiful in it's simplicity. It's sort of like a magic lamp minus the Genie, just there for the taking.
I say we should honor our mutual obsession. I say airlines should, upon request, hand out paper blankets so that young men could join the mile high club on their very first flight. Maybe the captain could give him a little sticker or something...a certificate would be a classy touch.
TRUE: They wanted to know what went on in the brain during orgasm. So they put guys in MRI machines and had their girlfriend or wife beat them off. The trick was that it had to be done in 3 minutes.
I say any bitch that can jack a guy off in three minutes needs her own Olympic event.

Weapons of mass creation...

BREAKING NEWS
The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up and Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to rest at Get the Hell Over It.


I like these. Watching the figures slowly reveal themselves could be quite entertaining....

Been reading a lot recently about the Self-Esteem efforts of the 70's and 80's. My take on it is this:

Studies were conducted that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that people with high self-esteem did better in school, life, and relationships. Ergo - give everyone high self-esteem.
But.....BUT the reason they did better in school, etc, is that they applied themselves and succeeded. The success led to the high self-esteem, not visa versa. 
The exact same logic would lead one to discover that families with electric frying pans had children who did better than families with no electric frying pan. (that's statistically factual, by the way)
So, logically if we just bought every family an electric frying pan, then everyone would do better.
What was left out of the equation was that families with electric frying pans had a great deal of discretionary income. So much so that they already had magazines, libraries, went on trips to exotic places, visited museums, etc. 




These are hot tomales. By far my favorite food in the whole world. My dad used to make them all the time when he got older. When he was younger, he used to bring home dozens of them late at night and wake me and my brother up to share them with him; being real quiet so as not to awaken out mom. Yeah, me and hot tomales go way, way back.

I am aching to know the plot of this book.........anybody?

"Pssst. If you have rape on your mind you might want to re-address your knot placement.

Speaking of rape...
This was my word of the day and at first I thought it concerned rape...

Finally, a tie I can abide....

Goddamn I wish I had one of these!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Hadron Collider made of Legos.

When people ask me how I got so creative, I tell them it's because I ate paste as a child.

Scientists have come up with a very simple and fast way to determine the sex of young chicks. They simply place them in miniature chicken cars and ask each to parallel park. Wa-la. Within seconds the sex is known.

The term 'we're expecting a baby' confuses me. It makes it sound as if there were more than one outcome possible; like 'we're expecting a velociraptor' or 'we're expecting a penis where once was my vagina'.

So, let's use this as a learning moment, shall we?
Let's suppose that there was another explanation offered by the Druids, who thought one of their priests used magic to transport the stones; offering, of course, no proof whatsoever.
So, there we have it: Lugging, Glacial shifts, or Magic.
All you people who chose Magic, get over there with the Christians and Muslims, who also credit magic for anything that as yet has not been adequately proven.

TOONS TO AMUSE...

I need help with this one. My wife didn't get it either.

One of my very own...

WOMEN TRYING TO LOOK LIKE SLUTS BY LOOKING YOU IN THE EYE, BUT PROBABLY AREN'T...

AND THEN THERE'S THIS...
A long time ago I read an article about foreign students in English class being assigned blogs and such to teach the nuances of the language. Well, if there are any of you poor foreign bastards trying to make head or tails out of my recent blogs.....well...I wish you the very best.
One tip I can give you....Southern is ALWAYS capitalized.