FUNNY ASS FRIDAY

NOTE: You may wonder why you will be getting so many posts in the next few days...including tomorrow. Well, the internet was closed Wednesday, I had nothing better to do, so I cleaned out all of my files.

"Who's your daddy?"

It must really suck to be a horny virgin.

Run away....just run....NOW!


Guys fall in love with what they see.
Girls fall in love with what they hear.
That's why girls use makeup and boys lie.

When spanking her, only strike one cheek at a time.


There are a bunch of things online that give you instructions. Most of them are just plain silly.

TRUE AS FUCKING SHIT...I SWEAR!
I came upon this on line, so I looked around and the closest book to me was a play I had written about two old farts.

I turned to page 45 and found "Neither does mine."

I flipped over to the previous page to remind myself what they were talking about and found that the other guy had just said, "My dick doesn't even get hard anymore."
That, gentle readers, is weird as fucking shit.


I celebrated MLK Day by drinking six Colt 45's.

Every time I hear the word "Batman" I like to substitute "A man dressed like a bat".

Do you know why men snore when they lay on their backs?
It's because their balls fall over their butt hole, which causes a vapor lock.

I'm a box wine snob.

Wonder advice, that.


After taking a huge shit, do you ever check out your stomach to see if it looks flatter?

Llamas?!?!? I want to meet this man.


TRUE: I was watching a football game and there was a turnover and the announcer identified the fumbler as the "overturner". I had never heard that word until that moment.


We all know what happens when we drink too much...

This, gentle reader, is puking at a whole nother level...

Sometimes when I hear a particularly stupid argument I accuse the person of sucking all the neurons out of the air that other people need to think with.

RELATIVE HUMIDITY:
The sweat you get on your balls when you are fucking your sister.




Clint Eastwood with an armadillo. That is all.

Crossword Clue:
Fix a hot dog.
_ _ _ _
[ SPAY ]




Fertility rite?

TRUE:  Tonight a stranger walked into the American Legion. He was a suit.....french cuffs with gold cuff links, shiny tie, and a collar so starched it would have made a Pilgrim proud.
After he ordered, one of the regulars said, "Excuse me, sir, are you lost or something?"
Without turning around the guy said, "Nah. I got kicked out of my regular place."
I said, "Well, shit, man, you'll fit in here just fine."

Insanity doesn't run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. You people are just lucky I'm so terrified of prison.

What if when you walk into a room and forget what you were looking for, you actually walked in on an alien doing something and they did one of those Men in Black flashes to erase your memory?




Motherfucker nailed it!

Why can't all the people in this country who speak Mexican learn to speak American?




Too soon?

Every time I do laundry I'm drawn closer and closer to nudism. 

I don't always put the lime in the coconut, but when I do, I shake it all up.




Sign me up, coach...I want in the game!!!

Never trust anyone with a gun in one hand and a bible in the other.




I am absolutely certain of two things:
This man has run out of beer.
This man has no internet.

I don't believe that anything really revolutionary has ever been invented by committee.
I'm going to give you some advice that might be hard to take......work alone.
(but maybe that's just the artist in me)

I SAW IT ON TV SO IT MUST BE TRUE: A few years back on the anniversary of the opening of the Golden Gate Bridge, the powers that be decided to celebrate by stopping traffic and letting people walk across. What they didn't count on was how many people would show up. So when 200,000 began walking the bridge FROM BOTH ENDS, you can imagine what happened when these huge masses of people collided. It became a dead stopped, very dense ocean of humanity, so dense that many people crawled over the railing and clung to the side. Not only that, it was what's called Static Load...meaning it doesn't move and thus was effectively the heaviest load the bridge had ever held....so great that it caused the center of the bridge to sag so significantly that the normal convex shape was flattened out.

TOONS TO AMUSE....

A lie keeps growing and growing until it's a plain as the nose on your face.
- Pinocchio

ONE OF MY VERY OWN....

SOMETIMES SOMETHING, OR SOMEONE IS SO BEAUTIFUL THAT IT JUST LEAVES ME IN AWE...

THEN THERE'S THIS ASSHOLE....

He's supposed to be the world's most powerful wizard, yet he sends children to defeat his enemies.
He's always saying that student safety is his top priority, yet he repeatedly hires unstable and dangerous professors.
Then he gives insane advice like this: "Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it."
Fuck that bastard.