SOME WEIRD ASS SHIT

If you think this young man should be arrested, then fuck you....you are beyond redemption..... 

I would much rather spend time with a stoner than a drunk...

From time to time my wife and I meet people we haven't seen in a while, and they always say the same thing:
"Damn, are ya'll still married?!?!"

I've owned two bars and I should have thought of this.


I like sleeping.
It's like being dead, without the commitment. 

(very, very clever that)


You might want to keep this in the back of your mind when you find yourself in a conversation with one of those people:
"Oh, I'm sorry.....Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?"

I had no idea....

 (and what the fuck happened to his little finger?)

A happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life.

Remember what I said about preferring stoners over drunks?

(is there a dick hole in the BACK of her head?!?!


My wife likes sticking her breasts in my face, then asking for something expensive. That, my friends, is what is known as the booby trap.

"Wow, that's a nice looking pair of Crocs," said no one...ever.

A good laugh and a long nap are the two best cures for anything.
- Irish Proverb

This, gentle readers, is a very strange image....

I think SOPA and PIPA are the government's way to punish us for making fun of their "Pizza is a Vegetable" law.

"I dub thee, Sir Secondchoice. Go in peace."

Never, ever ruin an apology with an excuse.
(that's pretty fucking good advice, guys)

"Well, everybody's gotta be somewhere...."

If at first you don't succeed, take a break and smoke some weed.

This man is fucking awesome....Well played, sir, well played.....

My neighbors listen to very good music, whether they like it or not.

That reminds me, if you were a real ghost, wouldn't you spend your first few decades watching beautiful women shower?
(yeah, ladies, we know exactly what you do in there)


Love means never having to say you're ugly.

Could there possibly be two more different people in one room?

I like to remind some people that if they go to heaven, their in-laws will be there.


I would have loved to have met this guy....

My wife bought me all new T-shirts yesterday.
Printed on the front of all of them in bold letters is:
DO NOT RESUSCITATE.


Wouldn't want to be around to hear what was coming out of their honeymoon suite....

Yes, gentle readers, this man married his dead fiance.


In addition to casual Friday, I propose the following:
- Punch a coworker Monday
- No pants Tuesday
- Drunk at work Wednesday
- Call in sick Thursday

What is even weirder about this next photo is that it's a stock photo....sooooo they must have thought somebody would want to use it....but for what?

"I want you to comb your hair and glue on this mustache like Hitler, then put on this dress and peal these potatoes."
"Would you repeat that?"
"And make sure the door is chained."


I think they ought to invent 4-D movies so if the film sucks, you can go back in time and stop yourself from seeing it.

I want some of what they smoked....

Evolution has adapted ears and noses to be large enough to permit a great deal of sensory information, but small enough that nobody would attempt to stick his dick in them.
(speak for yourself)

Girls Gone Wild, 1950's style......

USING ALL CAPS MAKES ME FEEL ODDLY POWERFUL.

"Gimme a F........gimme a U......gimme a C.......gimme a K.........gimme another U......"

 "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!!!!"

You know how they tell us to dress for the job you want, not the job you have? Well, they fired me from my elementary school teacher position for doing that. Apparently porn star was not considered a real job.

The caption states that this person won both king and queen of the prom....

 (no it doesn't)

Nature abhors a vacuum. You can see this for yourself by switching one on near your dog.

Wouldn't you love to ask this man...at this very moment...to explain his religious motivation for doing that.

Think of what he would sound like....

(no, I really mean it. Think about what that man would sound like explaining his world view. And at each point I would ask for further details. I would keep prompting him to talk for a long, long time, while I sipped on tea and ate cakes and shit. Then I would thank him by holding onto my own tongue so he would know I was just fucking with him)


If at first you don't succeed, do it like your wife told you.

Here's a quick and easy gag that works every fucking time....trust me.....

I'm getting up extra early tomorrow so I can be extra unproductive.

If you don't know why this is a good idea, ask your husband....or son.....or preacher....

(why in the fuck do you think they blurred a plastic vagina?)

TOONS TO AMUSE....

I like this one very much....especially the last one...

ONE OF MY VERY OWN....

NOTE: Even you straight women ought to enjoy the naked women section today.

NAKED WOMEN DOING WEIRD ASS SHIT BECAUSE THEY WERE PAID TO.....

"I'll give you $500 to get naked, put on this red wig and hold this skull in front of your pussy."
"Okay."
"In a filthy swamp."
"Cash?"

 "I'll give you $200 each to get naked and both squeeze into this."
"But I have a boo-boo on my toe."
"Rub some dirt on it."

"........and then turn around and look like you're pissed that someone noticed it."

"........then say 'You killed my father, prepare to die'.....in Portuguese."

"........and then tip-toe."
"Why tip-toe?"
"It'll make it look more realistic."


And then there's this....

TRUE:  Everyone I know asks me that question from time to time.


Just a reminder....if you come across something of interest and/or funny, please send it to me. I need some help here, people.