BIZARRE

bi-zarre [bih-zahr] adjective
markedly unusual in appearance, style, or general character and often involving incongruous or unexpected elephants

Stoners, try replacing your bong water with Sprite.

It's been 97 consecutive days that I have remembered to put on my clothes before going outside.

97.35% of statistics are made up on the spot.

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!)

Justice will be served if Charlie Sheen is forced to watch Two and a Half Men in prison.

Whenever someone uses the phrase "KnowwhatI'msayin" I always say, "Are you implying that your conversation may, in fact, be too complex for me to comprehend?"

TRUE: I DREAMED THIS GAG LAST NIGHT..I SWEAR:
When I was young, I was shot in the eye with a BB gun, but some sight remains. I call that the luck of the iris.

You know you are desperate when you look in the want ads under "Accomplice".

That awkward moment when you are running an your breasts are bouncing....and you're a guy.

When I was a waiter I always took fat people extra breadsticks to save myself a trip later.

Being an expert in Social Media is like being an expert at taking the bread out of the refrigerator. 
FACEBOOK: Because time isn't going to kill itself.

Impotence is nature's way of saying No Hard Feelings.

TRUE: Almost zero percent of lesbian moms are abusive.

I have never faked an orgasm in my life.

I have never faked a sarcasm in my life.


TMI....

No one can drive you crazy unless you give them the keys. 

Sometimes I run out of unproductive things to do.

Sometimes when I'm sitting at the bar at the American Legion, it occurs to me that the guy next to me is not drunk, he's just stupid.

I don't like hanging out with entirely sober people.....you know how those people are.

We once had one of those people come in the Legion and ask, "Don't you guys ever get tired of just sitting around drinking?"
We just looked at each other like it was some kind of bizarre trick question.

If stupidity was in the Olympics, you'd win a Nobel Prize.
(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH)




??????

GRAMMAR:
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Monogamy is the same.

Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out.


Okay, how many of you have seen a meerkat's asshole?

I'm a polyatheist. There are hundreds of gods I don't believe in.

Graduate school is like a boner....long and hard.
Unless you're Asian.

My doctor said she was going to give me a Digital Prostrate Exam. I said, "Good. It's about time they computerized those things."
She has the loveliest laugh.

Oh, look, my mother-in-law soon after she was released....

I only say "Bless you" twice.
If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn't take and that you're a demon who must be destroyed.

TOONS TO AMUSE....

ONE OF MY VERY OWN....

BIZARRE NAKED WOMEN....

AND THEN THERE'S THIS....

Damn German viewers, where have you been? Chile is kicking your ass this month.

Way to go Chile! Continue to spread the Folio Olio message, will you?