FRIDAY 8/31/12

Yesterday I asked for it and a reader came through. Good job, Harold....

This is the way I look when I tell my wife I know a secret she doesn't know....

This is the way I look when my wife tells me I'm drinking too much...................................after she turns around....

Remember, ladies, you can pull the trigger even if your nails are wet.

The internet has a few things in common with ancient Egypt. There's a lot of writing on walls and a hell of a lot cat worship.


Interesting...

I know it's not that easy, but it was a powerful image...

1,000 words....

For some people, getting a ride home is very, very important...

In 1980 the US boycotted the Olympics because the Soviets were occupying Afghanistan. Go figure.

Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Every time I see a photo like this, I can't help thinking of her following the various instructions it took to get her to look like that....

Getting offended by my posts is like going to a titty bar and getting mad because you saw boobs.

At the Olympics opening ceremony, there were 7 billion pieces of biodegradable confetti to represent each person on earth. Just think, somewhere in a London landfill is a piece of that confetti dedicated to you....just rotting away into nothingness.

Nothing breaks the illusion of your manliness more than getting a wasp inside your car.

Remember when we thought Russia would just "turn" into a free democracy?

If men had periods, they would brag about the size of their tampons.....just sayin'.

 I do want to vote him out, but look at the option.
I'm sorry to say, I will probably just stay home.

Get it?

When I die, I want my tombstone to read: Free WiFi, just so people will visit more often.

 Some people are just fucking evil...

Oh, look, Elvis' soiled underwear is for sale...

There are not enough words....

Crowds are flooding in to see that "restoration"...

Saw another picture of this and the people pose with it while laughing. I'll take that as progress.

The worst left-handed compliment I've ever been paid was: "Darling, it was the best 30 seconds ever.....really."

The first Ronald McDonald...

"Welcome to my neighborhood," said the leopard.....

The other night I came home and looked her right in the eye and said, "No, I'm not stoned. I swear. Please trust me."
Then my wife said, "Why are you on the patio talking to the dog?"

 I really do...

This is a new detail from Mars....said to be true....

This is me when I was told the chef has AIDS....

The greatest thing that Einstein ever did was not being named Floyd. I mean, who would have believed somebody named Floyd Einstein?

 I tried to use this fortune cookie to convince my wife that we needed to try anal........didn't work.

I love shit like this...

A skill every wife needs...

You should look up a YouTube about this. It's a track vehicle that floats because the track units are the flotation....

 It will fly across water, mud, sand and hard land...

TRUE: Watch a video of a study done on babies. The baby was offered two treats...one tasted good, the other bad. Then the scientist asked two stuffed animals which treat they wanted and one took the good and one took the bad treat. Then the child was asked which toy she/he would like to play with and it always took the child that had agreed with it on the treat. Further, the child wouldn't even let the "bad choice" toy play with them at all.
Conclusion: Humans innately prefer things/people who share their own preferences.

I detest moose.

I think that when meeting someone for the first time and asking "What do you do" within the first minute is rude. Therefore I always answer something like, "My wife.....my wife's sister......you got a sister.....is she fat....."

Sometimes I stare out the window and think, So that's what sunshine looks like.

How lazy am I? When I sit on a bench waiting for my wife to finish shopping, people have been known to drop money in my coffee cup thinking I was one of those living sculptures.

Yes, that is who you think it is....

My principal once asked my mother if she had ever thought about moving to another town.

 Enter and Exit signs at Wal-mart should just say "Hello" and "Goodbye Rednecks Who Can't Read".

Indeed.

This would be a perfect time for me to say:

"If you don't understand this, it's okay, it really is."

But I'm not that insensitive......anymore.......

Kind of like closing the barn door after the cow ran off isn't it?

Ladies, here are two alternatives to that pesky college degree...

Why women shouldn't drink....

 Not too surprising. Our brain neurons, galaxy clusters, etc, follow the same organization.

When I was in high school, they had a neighborhood like this. It had streets, curbs, drainage, etc, but no houses. It seems the developer ran out of money or some such shit.

Anyway, the trees and shrubs reclaimed the land and it was a perfect place to park without being seen. I, along with most people at my school, lost our virginity there.

Because I fucking can, that's why!

This looks so damn depressing, until you think about cubicles and realize that this man at least has windows...

I am of the opinion that suicide shows a supreme lack of creativity....

"Taxi Driver."

Who woulda thunk....

Well, somebody is thinking again...

FULL WEEKEND OF POSTS COMING UP.

AND THEN THERE'S THIS...
My daughter and I went to the American Legion to watch the South Carolina/Vandy game. We (ranked #9) eked out a win, but that's not the story.
The story is that the parking lot was full when we arrived, yet when we entered the bar, the crowd was sparse. I asked if everybody drove two cars and was told there was a group had rented a meeting room upstairs.  My bartender explained that it was an Irish Heritage club, and that prior to their meeting one of them had come down and stated that anyone who was Irish was welcome to join them. My bartender said he was Irish and the guy said........wait for it......."Are you Catholic?" 
My bartender stated that he was, in fact, not Catholic and the man shrugged and went to join his like minded Catholic Irish friends upstairs.
I stated loud enough for everyone to hear, that that motherfucker needed to have talked to me about that shit. We had a good laugh.
Then, half way through the first half of the football game, the Irishmen all came down to have a drink in the bar.
I happened to be at the bar for another beer when they gathered around to receive their order. I couldn't help but notice that most of the Irish Catholics were AT LEAST 100 pounds over weight.....big....BIG....men all.
So, I said, "So you guys are the Irish group meeting upstairs?"
They all looked at me and one of them held out his hand. I shook it, and without letting go I said, "Well, I can see the famine is over."
......and they didn't get it....Irish Heritage.....don't get a famine joke.......go figure.