About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Monday, August 13, 2012

MONDAY 8/13/12



ABSOLUTELY FACTUAL:
My wife was clearing off the table and asked if I was going to watch the closing ceremonies. I told her I was.
She said "Let me know when they have on the (something I didn't hear)."
I said, "The who?"
She said, "The Who."
We both hooted. ("hooted"...I think that was a little pun)


I have related the story previously, but I knew a couple of guys that worked at the zoo. They old me about an ape who sat just like this for hours, then he would climb up for a closer look at this or that; then one day, it escaped out of the "unescapable" enclosure. The zoo staff added more barriers, then the looking and testing went on until the ape escaped again. This went on until they figured that the only solution was to ship the ape to another zoo.

Way, way too much information.


I was going to post something that would help you understand the difference between Hindus and Muslims, but I realized that you don't need to know anything about somebody's religion to know that you shouldn't shoot them.




Life is short. Smile while you still have your own teeth.



I really appreciate the people who go to the trouble to add smiles to our otherwise dreary days...

This lady was interviewed following a fire that drove her out of her apartment....
 So....ah....who didn't know this?
"Hey, Martha, I've had a few minutes on my hands. Want to set our apartment on fire?"


How can I convince my Buddhist friend that he owes me money from three lifetimes ago?




Latte (noun): Italian for "You paid too much for that coffee."


I don't stalk!
I investigate.




Relationships...
I told my ailing wife that I would do anything she wanted me to, but I wasn't going to sit on the sofa and stare at her sick ass.
She thanked me and added, "If you sat in here feeling sorry for me, I would slap the shit out of you."
Who couldn't love a woman like that?
Later she said, "Now that I can't have them, I have a craving for grapes." 
I said, "That's why men watch porn."




I had a friend preface a story with, "Back when I was flunking out of USC..."




SAID TO BE TRUE:  The possible landing zones on Mars are called "Areas" and are numbered. Curiosity landed in Area 51.


TRUE:  This is an Olympian who target practices on live animals...

Next time I want to watch Synchronized Dressage, damnit!


Speaking of....


I've become obsessed with taking over-the-counter pregnancy tests even though I know most people would consider it irrational.



This is what happens. The news people get it free from NASA, then claimed it as our own. Welcome to copyright insanity...

I normally avoid insanity reports, but this one has a twist...

Stated as true...

A real glass house...


Contaminates in this lake causes it to be very, very blue.


I've been waiting my whole life for a Morgan Freeman GPS voice. I would just drive around all day punching in hard to find places.


Fuck you and the boat you rowed in on....

I've got a crush on Angela Merkel.


Oops.....


I think my love of space exploration began with my loathing of earth.


One of my very own...


Part of me says I need to stop drinking so much. The other part says, "Don't listen to that guy, he's drunk."




TRUE: They interviewed a winning woman Olympic boxer and asked her how she first got into the sport. She said, "I just like beatin' people up."

"Don't move, I got this," said the guy aiming the M16.


One of the blessing of living in a state that has always and will always vote conservative is that neither party wants to waste money on commercials here....one considering it already won, the other considering it already lost.




On their journey through life, some people feel the need for a tour guide because they don't trust their own instincts. 
More often than not, that tour guide just makes the shit up as he goes, but it feels legit since he wrote it down in a book.

How to guarantee your man gets the empty beer cans in the can....


Watched a movie about a Russian sub. Part of the dialogue said, "Yuri Gagarin was not the first Cosmonaut; the others just weren't brave enough to hold their breath when their life support malfunctioned." 




I'm thinking you could do the same thing with 5-gallon buckets and duct tape....


I read that 7% of major companies have nap rooms. I think that would improve productivity and creativity more than any other change.


Clever people....what would be do without them...



One of my very own...




Go to the Justin Beiber concert, they said. It will be fun, they said.....

We can only imagine what it's like to command such a machine...


I'm glad that the controversy has started people talking about the problem...some of them for the first time.


TRUE: I hang out at one of the most conservative places in country - The bar at the American Legion. On the way to the bathroom I passed a table of old friends and one of them said, "Let's ask Ralph." I turned and one of them said, "So what do you think about the whole Chick-fil-A thing?"
I sat, looked these ex-warriors right in the eye and said, "I am an American, and Americans are free to do whatever the fuck we want to do as long as it doesn't hurt anybody. And if any of you can show me how two guys marrying would effect me in any way, then go ahead."
Then one of them said, "But it just ain't natural."
I smiled, and said, "Okay, anyone sitting around this table who has not done anything "unnatural" in the privacy of your own home, raise your LYING FUCK HAND!"
Each man stuck out his lower lip and nodded slowly. Slam fucking dunk.



  A motel made of shipping containers...
This is the interior...

No. Not even the wife.


I don't wait in lines.....ever.
If I stumbled up a group of people and an announcement was made that we were all the first 100 people and would be given a new car if we would just form a line, and I would just walk off saying, "Fuck it, I'll buy my own fucking car."



This reminds me of the tree my daughters bought me for my birthday years ago.....


Bumper stick I saw: SUPPORT OUR TROOPS. SOMEDAY WE'LL NEED THEM TO OVERTHROW OUR GOVERNMENT.




Am I the only one that would like to see the bloopers from "Sophie's Choice"?




(I hope this loads on the blog okay. It's my third try.)

NO, SHE DIDN'T JUST DO THAT!!!!!




(it's called Vodka, folks, and it will fuck you up)






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