MONDAY 8/20/12

I live in a college town and the students are flocking back after the summer break. I like living around so many young people....and I mean that.

Fidel Castro and Yuri Gagarin following their marriage...

My mother grew up during the Great Depression. I recently came across an old family recipe for chicken noodle soup. It read: Step one - Steal a chicken.

My bartender stays up very late and has a habit of playing his music very loudly; so loud that cops have been called. When a neighbor knocks on his door and tells him they can't sleep, he thanks them and turns down the volume. He was telling all the bar sitters that once a woman just left a note on his door, so the next day he took a bottle of wine out of the fridge and left it on her porch with a note saying: Thanks for not calling the cops.
I immediately said rather loudly, "Let me get this straight...you have a stash of "Thanks for not calling the cops" wine?!?!?!
We all got a good laugh out of that. But now that I think about it, you probably had to be there.

If you do this to caged animals, then fuck you....

Mae West once showed her bloomers which had "Merry Christmas" on one leg and "Happy New Year" on the other. She smiled and said, "Why don't you come up and see me between the holidays sometime?"

I replaced all the cheap hollow doors in my house with salvage "real" doors like these...

My first boss asked me if I was autistic. 

Even before the war, England had psychologists writing up reports on Hitler. Many of their predictions were dead on...even down to the suicide and mutilation of his body.
Anyway, one of the tidbits of information they came upon was that Hitler liked to lay naked on the floor, have a prostitute squat over his face (for "close examination"), then when his arousal was peeking would order her to urinate on him.
I found that interesting....plus it's something I never tried before.

If you don't know what this is, it's okay, it really is....

I just hate it when my computer freezes right when I am uploading a picture of my dick on Facebook.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that the Japanese are the only ones crazy enough to come up with something like this.

Well, you would be wrong.

PS: I know you will find this hard to believe, but I watched this movie on Netflix, but I forgot the name of it.

I don't drink and drive anymore.
Now I just drop acid and teleport myself.

What a horse's ass....

Facebook now lets you put a star on a select group of friends....kind of like Hitler.

Shark Week has reminded me that I really need to discuss oral sex techniques with my wife...............again.

Just because I can't sing doesn't mean I won't sing.

Just like a Rubik's Cube, the more you play with me the harder I get.



"So...ah...how's your dog after that truck incident?"

"Unfortunately, he completely lost his sex drive..............drive....no pun intended."

In the future everyone will be famous for 15MB.

Something to toss into a conversation from time to time:
"I never knew someone actually invented the internet. I thought it was discovered and was always there like oxygen and shit."

Taking into account that Iron Man and Batman's super powers are being super rich and smart makes me really disappointed with Bill Gates.

This is the way I used to drive when I had that Alfa Romeo Spider...

Grandma never interfered with her granddaughter's video again...

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to keep reminding him every six months about it.

Bless his heart....

Imagine one day in the future on a planet far, far away and this is the first image sent back from a rover....

There is so very much wrong with this....

If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", then you are wasting everybody's time.

Have you ever sat on the commode in a public restroom because you have to shit real bad, but you have to wait until the guy in the next stall leaves cause you know you will be real loud, but he has to shit too and is waiting for you to leave and it's like a pooping standoff.

I don't eat snacks that have even one ingredient that I can't pronounce.

Fuck off, kid, it's my day off...

Note shirt...

 Extraordinary....

WARNING: If your car breaks down, you will get buttfucked...

Speaking of....

 A shrimp jello salad foot....

Worse case of separation anxiety I've ever seen...

1,000 words....

What a great idea in packaging!!!

Three reasons I could never be a vegetarian...

Hey, I don't make this shit up, ladies...

I have a wonderful man cave, and now it's official...

Serves the bastard right...

The naming contest was hacked and here's the options that flooded the site....

Do they give extra points for this shit? Well, they ought to....

He falls in an extraordinarily embarrassing way, and.......

 ....he runs away just as fast as he can. Smart man.

Hey, folks, leave me a message. I'm lonely.