THURSDAY 8/16/12

Mars. Just left click and move the mouse.

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Tonight my wife and I went out to a restaurant with another couple. On their daily special menu they had "Blacken Black Tip Shark Tips", which I found hilarious, so I ordered it. Within minutes the waiter came back to the table to state, "Sorry, sir, but we are all out of Shark Tips; all we have are shark fillets." I but smiled.
"I don't want to be troublesome, but why don't you take one of those fillets and cut it up into tips?" asked I.
He went to the kitchen, came back, said that the chef would indeed do as I requested and further added, "The kitchen staff all want me to tell you that that was an excellent question."
Slam fucking dunk.

Yes, of course you are free to paint what you wish....

A woman with a spider living in her ear for weeks. 
Sleep tight.....

If we could understand these creatures, I'm sure the first thing they would say is, "We want our freedom back."

Bad things happen to good people because it's funnier that way.

1,000 words....

Is there anyone who can explain this?

This is how I looked when they told me I was too old to go in the Bouncy Castle....

In all my reading about leadership and success, not once have I come across, "Do as you are told."

One does not simply explain to his pregnant wife that she is overreacting. 

 Yes. Yes, you are.

I'll be damned if after the five longest minutes of my life, I'm going to "let cool in microwave for one minute".

Why are there no Jews, Christians and Muslims on Star Trek?

May your latest relationship last longer than a seal during Shark Week.

Why do some girls have the penis?

History will never forget you. It will just put your life accomplishments in a file cabinet, lose the key, and

Shit happens...mostly to me, so don't worry.

An old one of my very own...

One of my very own...

After one million years of deep philosophical thinking, god decided to create ass hair for humans.

All spring and summer I'm a pretty nice guy...then football season starts.

I will never tire of shit like this...

And how in the fuck could the friend just sit there without busting out laughing?

How can you possibly have road rage on the Dumbo ride?

America: Where we don't smoke marijuana...we deep fry it.

Men and their appendages...

 So much for hitting below the belt.

One of my very own...

You ever have that feeling that you forgot something?

How long do you think this takes?

There is a number so large that the only thing scientists know about it is that it ends in 7.

So, should we be frightened yet?

An animal survives when it has a characteristic that aids in its survival. Today the panda bear and other likewise creatures find themselves in an environment where being cute is an aid to its survival.

One of the most awe inspiring things I've ever seen....

When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes.

"Yeah, boss, you remember that covered bridge? Well, it's just a plain bridge now."

Guessing a horizontal lightning cable?

Two of my very own...

My buddy, House, plays rugby. This is for him.

Then get a blog you lazy twit....

This took me waaaaay longer than it should have...

I'm waiting for Fisher-Price to introduce its own line of condoms.

My daughter just got back from Zimbabwe and she told me that everyone in the country knows that the currency could collapse at any moment, so when they get paid they go out an buy commodities that can be bartered. A house in which she visited had TVs, but no electricity.

Good taste is not a democracy.

Dealing with the ugliness of phone towers....

Well, of course she was...