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I'm an artist, an educator,,and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like beer...but I love my wife. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

THURSDAY 8/23/12

Just finished my first gift to my brand new little friend, Max. He was born a few weeks ago and I could sit and watch him stare a things forever. Anyway, this is a way to measure his growth. It's a 6 foot ruler modeled after a 6 inch ruler. Every birthday he will be measured, the ruler marked and it can be taken with them when they move.
I found it rather clever.

My best friend, Billy, gave me this bag. It's a map and chart bag that a pilot took on the plane when they flew off to bomb Moscow or some such place. It's very heavy duty and has enough room for my computer, shave kit (sans razor), medicine, camera, phone and pistol....everything I need to travel.
I added the strap and attachment grommets. The strap is made out of a dead guy's belt my wife picked up at Goodwill.

Today I was sitting at my computer and out my glass office door a cat walked down my hallway like it owned the place!!!! And both my Super Soakers were staged outside.
We all have our little disappointments...some larger than others.

As a way of explaining his gaff, Todd Akins said he "had never met a rape victim who got pregnant due to it". Ergo, no woman has gotten pregnant because of it.
He should have asked someone on the Science Committee in the House...oh, wait, HE IS ON THE SCIENCE COMMITTEE!!!

Stay with this one a minute, folks....

A thousand words....

Okay, I would let the badass looking motherfucker win on appearance alone...

I hate getting interrupted. My wife and her friends are world class interrupters. I tried to turn the tables one time by interrupting one of my wife's stories mid-tale and her friends turned on me like a pride of lionesses....
 What's up with that shit, ladies?
Let me add: I'm talking about me in the middle of a story that goes something like this...."Then the lion came out of the jungle and my friend was so scared that he...."
Wife: "I got scared by a spider in third grade one time."
Wife's friend: "Well, when I was in third grade I broke my arm."
Wife's other friend: "Did you see the new tattoo I got on my arm?"
Then after five minutes they all look back at me and expect me to finish what I was saying. I now refuse. The first time I refused to continue, they all accused me of being childish.....CHILDISH!!!!!!!
So then I tried just talking through their interruption, like I didn't hear them, but it didn't matter. They just finished their remarks, then looked back at me and asked, "What?" in unison like they were some sort of a linguistic drill team.

It's call self-hypnosis, but good luck with it anyway...

I find it interesting that while "running" a "race" for office, the worse thing you can do is "shoot yourself in the foot".

Why so tense, Mr. Karloff....

This is a great question....
Badger den....midget.....porn star....Ramsay lookalike....just kill me right fucking now....I have seen everything the internet has to offer.

This guy lived. For the first time in history, we are keeping tens of thousands of people alive that would have died just a few years ago....that's a good thing, right........right?

It's called euthanasia and sometimes it's a good thing...
That actually reminds me of an old story about the two fishermen in Alaska putting on their waders. One guy first put on sneakers and was having a hell of a time getting them inside the waders and the other guy asked him why. So the guy said, "It's in case we come upon a bear."
The other guy laughed and said, "You don't think you can out run a bear?"
And the guy said, "I only have to outrun you."
(but did you notice that two of the wolves, even though a fresh kill is on the ground waiting to be eaten, still chases after the adult bison? Interesting, that.)

It was actually a black guy who made up the phrase, "Run like you stole something".....

You think important people say shit like this to one another? 
 Yeah. Yeah, they do.

I discussed this racist problem with my daughter. She knew that in the gag above I'm actually making fun of the white guy. If you don't see it that way, well, what can I say.

"Shall I compare thee to summer's eve?
For thou art a douche."

I told the waitress I was in the mood for a quickie.
My wife reminded me it's pronounced "quiche".

I have a friend, Jack, who loves what high heels do to women's calves. Well, I guess that is reason enough to walk like that all day....cause Jack likes your calf muscles distorted....

"I'm sorry" and "My bad" mean the same thing....unless you are at a funeral.

This is rather subtle....
 Here's a hint....

"Squirt off guy" at the mud run....I want his job...

Another sign I'm old, whenever there's a mother and a daughter in a commercial, now I fantasize about the mom.

Something you don't see every day...

A day at the beach in China...

That awkward moment when there's a scantily clad beauty on the bus and you're too shy to start masturbating in front of everyone.

Bad news spreads faster than the clap among high school kids.

????? What clue would you give?

I'm not a full-time homosexual.

TRUE: Yesterday I pulled my golf cart over to the curb to let a car pass me, but the car just stopped at a 45 degree angle pointed at me. I waited, then drove off only to discover he wanted to park exactly where I had pulled over.
What are the chances.

This is basically what the Dadaist said, only it was "Art Objects"...

CLUE: Hamlet relative: _ _ _ _ 
[ TOWN - Yeah, I thought it was the other Hamlet, too ]

CLUE: It's not a sign of the times: _ _ _ _
[ PLUS ]

Full beard, stubble or shave. Goatees are for preeners.

One of the most extraordinary albums I've ever owned....and I've only owned two....

Powerful, this....

"In twain", indeed....

Nobody knows what they are doing and they are running out of time.

Am I the only one to add a penis when playing Hangman?

Don't confuse resignation with acceptance.

Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

I have never understood why so many people are obsessed with their family tree. Why would I give a shit about my great-great-great-great grandfather? How would knowledge of him effect my life?

Everybody makes the exact same face when they touch a bathroom doorknob and find it wet.

At least he has the beach to himself...

Had a very interesting conversation with my daughter about airline food. I am of the opinion that airlines should not be in the business of feeding people. You want to eat during the flight? Then bring a sandwich.
Tired of only one little package of peanuts that looks like a prop in "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids"? Then bring your own!

That has concluded my theory that I will masturbate to anything on the internet.

Damn, girl, what message are you sending here?

I actually believe that I own everything I pee on.

The Monoped....never heard of it...

This is the way I feel when someone has a camera and demands that everyone smile....
 But, as shown here, it is optional...

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