TUESDAY 8/14/12

Here's what I look like in my new stolen dead guy's hat....

Oh, look, Yuri is unhappy.....

Can you imagine the thousands of hours that went into the design of that tread. Amazing....

Because Mom's are idiots, that's why....

I don't ever know who to be mad at...the government, the hospitals or the medical supply/drug firms....or all of them...

SCHOOL RULES:
I will not yell in class.
I will not throw things in class. 
I will not have a temper tantrum.
I will always be good.
Because I am the teacher.
I am the teacher.
I am the teacher.

You can only say "WTF?" so many times a day until you just decide to start drinking early.

Jesus Fucking Christ...This has GOT to be the most disturbing thing I've seen in a long time!!!

He keeps fapping. She takes a second look. I don't think so.
Now this....

You have to search long and hard to find quality humor like that, folks.

Does this disturb you? It should.

I think a sign of good parenting is a 3 year-old who knows that C-3PO is a protocol droid.

Speaking of health care.....

If you are not amazed by 3D printing, then you have not been paying attention.

I wish I could find a T-shirt that said, "SHIT CREEK SURVIVOR". I'd wear it every fucking day.

"Let's agree to disagree" really means "Let's each continue to think the other person is an idiot, so we don't have to listen to each other's bullshit anymore."



This is what passes for a PhD cow where I come from...

Go back and take another look at that Hitler thing...it gets funnier each time.

 Vertical takeoff? No. Windstorm with untethered plane....

That's why you buy insurance. 

Look at this clock. It is a very nice clock.

These two guys started several of the most viral internet hoaxes ever. You remember the girl who resigned from her job using a white board? Yeah, they hired the actress to do that. They now run a very popular website - The Chive.

And they have computers just like mine. 

Have you ever been so drunk that you could understand birds? Well, I have, and I'm not ashamed of it. I regret nothing. One of the birds told me you were a prick and I'm starting to believe him....but birds have been known to lie.



Do not file this in the humor file.

Said the permanent tattoo.....

Took a short road trip to check out a large mural project in the upstate. On the way we pulled through the Drive Thru of Wendy's for a burger. I asked my partner what he wanted and he told me. So when the speaker asked me for my order I said, "One 'Son of Baconator'...." then I laughed and added, "I never actually thought those words, in that order, would ever come out of my mouth."

It has been proven that people who dance are smarter and healthier.......well, that explains a lot about how sick my IQ score makes me.

I just wonder how the middle girl is carrying her wine...

(that's a visual joke, folks)

A guy at the bar asked me if I had ever had anal sex. I said, "You mean with a human?"


How about NO.....

Can you imagine this bastard trying to give someone his address....

"Oh, daddy, they are so cute, let's lock all of them up in tiny little tanks so I can tease them for.....the..... rest.....of....their......miserable....fucking.....lives.

Whenever discussing recipes, I tell people I always cook with Whale Oil just to see the look on their faces.



My wife has accused me on more than one occasion of thinking too much. As evidence that she is correct, I offer this photograph.

I have spent the greater part of a day trying to determine what this man does for a living; but still no conclusion.

Both of these were reported to be unaltered.....

You remember what I've been saying about power corrupting? Well, Google just got fined millions for fucking with us....

I'm not as thinkful as you drunk I am.

I sure hope they work the bugs out of this. It could save billions....

For twenty years I taught children just as marvelous as this one....

Damn, bitch! Who gave you that fucking shirt?

"My grandson. The one in prison."

"These paint chips make me thirsty."

Interestingly, Christians and Atheists agree that the Westboro Baptist Church needs fucking with.


Note doggie door....

You can tell how developed a country is by whether or not people applaud when an airplane lands.


Speaking of horses......DAMN!

A woman at the bar kept looking at me for a long time. Finally, she walked over and said, "I know I've seen you before, but I can't remember where."
I turned slowly, raised my eyebrows and with a completely straight face said, "So you watch a lot of vintage porn do you?"
Her eyelids fluttered but once until she started laughing.


Never, ever, underestimate the old guy with experience....

I could go into my rant about my neighbor's cats killing every frog, squirrel and song bird in my yard, but I won't....

Why? Somebody tell me why any parent would do such a thing...

There are weigh too many fat American jokes.

I have seen Clare Bow naked.

When young male friends ask me about married life and what they should expect, I tell them that married people eat supper every....fucking....night.....no.....exception.


Are you old enough to remember this?

It's a hood ornament of the old DeSoto.

Have you ever tried to upload an image to your air freshener?


A man does what a man has to do....

...and while the burglar is laughing, you can hit him over the head with you gun.


An "Ah fuck" would be appropriate......

One of my very own...

Millions and millions and millions of people live like this...

Scientists have calculated that on Nov. 7, 2019, there will be nothing left to tweet about.


Big cities...where you're never more than two minutes from a known murderer....

You want to liven up the thrill of space exploration?
Then let a NASCAR driver have the controls of Curiosity for an hour or so.
I suggest Ralph Dale Earnhardt, Jr. And yes, his first name is Ralph.

Turtles returning to the mother ship....

Another one of my very own...

(note YOUR. Hope it didn't fuck it up for you, but if it did, you might want to recalibrate you're "fuck it up for you" meter)

I understand the science, but does he have to look at it all creepy-like.....

Did you know that in certain sports in the Olympics you can make a challenge of the call of the referees, but you first have to come up with cash.....CASH!

(religion - not even once)

A lame one of my very own....

I was in a band once. And by once I mean that we played together once, as in one time. Man, those were the glory hours.


She really, really likes horses....

My wife not only allows workers to bring newborns to work, but there is a store dog, brought in as a puppy and now grown. Today we were standing with some friends on the sidewalk with the dog staring at us from among the mannequins. So I, naturally, said, "How much is that doggie in the window?"
Two of the younger friends didn't get it. 


I have no idea....

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.