WEDNESDAY 8/29/12

Here's that woman who had her butthole tattooing videotaped....

 Here's the same woman coming downstairs for an interview....

I saw a chameleon today.
I guess he's not a very good one.

New signs at Augusta National....

"When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane." 

- Hermann Hess

"Clothes make the woman"?....I don't think so....

I got a "Life Alert" thing I wear around my neck. They are threatening to take it away cause I do things like hitting the button and saying things like, "Is your refrigerator running?". The last time, Stella, told me she was getting sick of my shit.

This is why condoms were invented...

PARTY GAG:
Tell someone you can swallow two pieces of string and an hour later you can shit them out tied together.
When they doubt you, just say..........wait for it................. "I shit you knot."



How the hell did we evolve out of this funny ass shit....

Advice to all young men living alone: If you open the fridge and something crawls out......Just. Let. It. Go.


Please, some smart person out there, explain this to me...

There is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house. This is due to the antelope's powerful hind-legs and the fact that the average house can't jump worth a shit.

How do young people have casual sex with random strangers and I can't even order a movie on demand on my TV?

I know times are hard when about half my crew are "stay at home sons". 

Don't underestimate the seductive power of a decent vocabulary. 

Fans just helping out the home team...

Having soup the other night, the wife asked if we had any crackers. I said, "We cracka lackin'."

Damnit! Just found awesome porn vid and I've already finished masturbating.

Watched a very funny video starring Henry Winkler. He had won the lottery and wanted to give back by offering a new iPod for $200 in ads all over the interweb. He was very upset that nobody took him up on his offer.

The funniest part was him using his children's voices on his 10,000 visitor ads, and they talked just like the one on line.

I can only assume that this lot has a sprinkler system. The landscape is burned for as far as the eye can see, except for....

Most doctors are like Mary Poppins, only their magic purse if filled with powerful drugs.
Most of us are in a good mood only because of the good folks at Pfizer.

I've noticed that my typing speed increases when I'm angry.

That, sir, is one cool ass Syrian....

Thinking is like reading your own mind.

When you see it....

God I miss college.

(this is not a video)

I set my standards high.
Actually, I do most things high.

My wife got a part-time job...

SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT ALREADY!!!!!!!



This guy is "practicing" jumping out of a space capsule with a parachute....

My depression over gas prices is directly proportional to how close it gets to my GPA.

(I just noticed that there are several drug items in this post)

I thought that one of the advantages of becoming famous is that you wouldn't have to do shit like this anymore...

Have you ever parked on the side of the road and pointed a hairdryer at oncoming traffic?
No? Try it just once. It's a hoot.


This person's numerous bank robberies were disguised with one piece of duct tape across his cheek......that is all....

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience…well, that comes from poor judgment.

When you gotta go.......

I wish there was a cure for hypochondria.

A mother in the grocery store grabbed her son by the arm and said, "Don't make me pull a Casey Anthony on your ass!"

Once I asked my dog to come, and she just lay there and gave me that look that said, "Why don't I just fake it like your wife?"

You do not want to make this man angry....

"Let me play you the song of my people....before I rip your spine out...."

I can thank NASCAR for giving me the funnies man's name in the world: Dick Trickle.


Doesn't her expression suggest that she regrets whatever the hell she just did.....

Women don't really lose their virginity. They give it away.

You know that strange feeling when you see the same stranger twice in one day.


I had a dream last night...........

TRUE: I saw a small news item where a man urinated on the breath testing apparatus - AFTER crashing through a house. 
I want guts like that.

You know, it's strange when I think someone really knows me, then they do something like ask me (in all seriousness) if I cut my own grass. I mean, geeeeez.

I can remember the exact day I went from being just a bastard to being an old bastard.

What a wonderful game....

Xanex was nature's way of saying that I CAN make it through a weekly staff meeting.