About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012


Damn, 456! Get a room!

Just because something isn't happening for you right now doesn't mean that there is a chance in hell it will ever happen.

I have no idea what this is, but I like it...a combination of art and science....just up my alley....

I always carry emergency peanut rations in my truck.

Can you imagine Dr. Seuss and a famous rapper sitting on a panel to discuss rhyming?


If Mary decided to abort Jesus, would she have gotten pregnant three days later?

I had a very interesting discussion with Bernie the Jew tonight. He stated that something...it matters not what...offended him. After my posted item a couple of days ago, I have been thinking a lot about the word "offended", so I called him on it. He is so damn smart (really) that he put up a good fight, but finally it came down to this:
Just because a person has set up an imaginary boundary of words and/or deeds that no one is allowed to trespass does not mean that everyone is obliged to tread elsewhere. 
I found that it is extremely easy to trap a person in their own argument about being offended....you simply "declare" that you are offended by, say, people who get offended; which I call cultural whining. I further asked him to select any word in the English language besides "offended", then discover where that leads us. So instead of "I am offended", you could say "I am.......what?" He came up with angry. I applauded. Therefore, says I, I am not allowed to do anything that makes anyone angry? 
You see how quickly the discussion entered the realm of the absurd.

A repost worth reading again...

Thanks to the drugs, I can hear colors again.

Fuck beautiful song birds that eat insects.....let's kill their babies....
Not only do they eat their young, they steal their homes!

I think there ought to be a whole TV channel dedicated to dogs fucking.....call it "Bitches Gone Wild".

I am so fucking tired of this shit....

If you think someone is staring at you, yawn.
If they yawn, then they were staring.

Can you imagine the phone call this young woman made from the sewer to her boss explaining why she would be late to work....

If they used real beer drinking men in beer drinking commercials, no one would ever drink beer.

This is why you ALWAYS buy insurance on your rental truck....

One of the oldest funny photos on the interweb....you might want to look closely....
Always flush first.

Signs you don't see everyday....

For men, there is nothing quite like urinating out in the open air. I think it's like marking our territory....honestly.

Let's protest Chick-fil-A by watching men's synchronized diving.

My wife gave me permission to post this....true....
I told her it was a tutorial for young brides.

These are like angels coming in my mouth...
( did you notice that segue? )

Well....what could anyone say about this image?

Thank you, little thinking person.....

The police never think it's as funny as you do....or wives.

On the wall in his bathroom, my bartender has a giant world map that he studies every time he takes a shit. (true)

Carl Sagan once said, "We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think it's forever."
Fuck you, Carl.

Back when drive thru was just getting the kinks worked out....

Why didn't Obi Wan Kenobi just use the force to turn off Darth Vader's lightsaber?

And all of this, just so we could be punished for touching ourselves and/or eating pork.

Why do we stop making paper airplanes? I mean, it's not like they all of the sudden became less fun.
TRUE: As an adult, I once made a great design paper plane from a 36 inch x 24 inch piece of paper. I took a young friend to the top of the tallest parking garage on campus and tossed it off. It flew for almost two blocks.
I taught every first grader I ever taught how to fold that design and many of them remind me of it now that they are adults.

 Aren't we all just a little too old for secret handshakes?
I kind of put that in the same silly category as neck ties and watch fobs.

I hope you can read the description above in red. That's funny as shit!

Did you ever notice that most of the most repressive countries on Earth have the words "Democratic" or "People's" in their official name.


In a restaurant, it's difficult to find something that is both good and will not cause my wife to scold me in front of the waiter.

When I was young, do you have any idea how many times I have sat with four or five people looking at a part of my body and one of them always says, "You think maybe he should be taken to the doctor?"
I was what used to be call "accident prone".
My brother once said that if all my stitches fell out at one time, I would fall completely apart.
I had had so many stitches growing up that when I was in the military and got in a bar fight, I would later refuse Novacaine wanting to feel every fucking one of the stitches.

I think you will agree that "Ice melted" and "Ice gone" are two entirely different animals.

I once had a kid ask me if NASA invented thunderstorms to cover up the sound of space battles. I asked him what kind of drugs he was on.

The part we were never told...

China currently leads the US in total Olympic gold medals.
Their robot on Mars must be so proud.

It was love at first sight....

I still haven't got the hang of autoerotic asphyxiation. I think I need someone to show me the ropes.
("hang"; "ropes")

???????????...youth today...what can I say.....

Bite marks are love notes written in flesh.

Ironically, E.D. is a growing problem.

TRUE: Bring your daughter to work day in the coal mine...
It was stated that she wanted her picture taken with the hula-hoop she made herself.

There have been a spate of videos showing fish being eaten by sharks right when the fisherman got it to the boat. This is the first one I've seen from underwater....

I wonder whose job it is to tell Curiosity that he is stranded on Mars to eventually die.

Fuck this prick....there, I've said it.....
 I don't even know what this says, but I agree with it...

The CIA has begun to drop vast amounts of gigantic condoms labeled "Medium" into Afghanistan to convince Afghan women that American men are more virile...thus destined to rule the world.

 Go ahead, explain this to me....

This guy got pissed when arrested on a marijuana charge, so he went home, got his 15 ton tractor and fucked up 8 police cars in the parking lot....
It was a really, really big tractor.

"Don't hold back from getting another finger in there."
Best advice my father ever gave me.

A restaurant in a cave. Count me in...
It's like camping, but with better wine.....and no bugs.

I think she's looking for her G-spot so she can draw him a map....

I remember the good old days when people protested by burning cars and occupying the dean's office....

TRUE: I can't remember what it's like to not be tired.

Most young people would rather eat than have sex. That's why they can't even get into their own pants.

You know that pressing an elevator button a dozen times won't make it come any faster, right........................right?

"Let me slip out of something more comfortable."

Every time I want to really, really hate them, Walmart goes and does something like this....

Fair Warning: If you ask me to hold your drink, I will drink it.

You can't always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window you throw them out of.

You think?

Just getting used to yesterday, then along comes today.
(that was a lie)


Unless you "love" setting people on fire or some such shit...

You know who wears sunglasses inside?
Blind people and assholes.

 How very true....

How...ah....hot was it.....

Let's hope the biggest issue of the 2012 presidential election isn't chicken sandwiches.....please.

It's time that I revealed the secret to my sexual prowess. 
 Repeat as necessary.

I thought aljazeera was one of their good guys.....?

I'm kind of like Michael Phelps in that I'm also an unemployed stoner whose best days are behind him.

A T-shirt to avoid seat belt tickets....

My wife has a compulsion to have people over to my house and serve them food and talk to them.

 Says the woman who masturbates to a book about being a millionaire's sex slave.

 This woman erected this sex doll to slow traffic on her street. It worked.....

 A spring that looks like a bolt that is a pepper shaker...

The laziest dog in the entire world...or a dog that got into his master's stash....

Logic need not apply...


Anonymous said...

regarding the golden ratio graphic...you might want to check out this website: http://www.goldennumber.net/

the golden ratio is found in nature in the form of Fibonacci's sequence, as well as conch shell spirals and pineapple scales. Pretty amazing really. I read this book about 3 years ago and found it fascinating: http://www.amazon.com/The-Golden-Ratio-Worlds-Astonishing/dp/0767908163

Anonymous said...

the picture of the shark eating the fish conjures up images from "the old man and the sea" don't you think?

Ralph Henry said...

Okay, I know I'm going to fuck this up, so I apologize beforehand.
I saw a science show that plotted the time intervals of water dripping out of a faucet...seemingly at random. But when you plot enough of them, a pattern emerges and that pattern is the Golden Ratio.

But that's not the point of my post. I KNOW what I'm looking at, I just don't know why. It sort of looks like an image one would put on the side of a space probe that will leave the solar system or some such.
I like the image, but it looks like it has a deeper purpose than to decorate some lawyer's office.

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