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I'm an artist, an educator,,and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like beer...but I love my wife. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while.

Monday, September 3, 2012

MONDAY 9/3/12

Okay, I admit it. I lied about all that beach stuff in my last post. 
Here's my real living room in the house we rented...

And then when I went out to get in the car to go get a newspaper, I found this lovely creature during her nap time....
It would have been cute, except it was my car.

Today my wife and I were sitting on the beach and I watched as you young men about 14 years old lugged a small rubber raft over the first breakers. Then they got in the raft and, with nothing but their hands for propulsion, tried to get over the second breakers 40 or so yards out to sea.
But they each were paddling in a different direction.....and the raft just sat there with no progress whatsoever.
That's when I yearned for the bullhorn. I didn't plan my whole speech, but it would have begun "Hey, Dumbasses!"

My wife has begun to talk like a pirate again, but this time she has added a degree of aggressiveness that is starting to concern me. She will go out of her way to bump me as we pass in the hallway....then she snarls. I hope she can get it under control before we get to the restaurant.

Smart doggie...

I don't care how I have to distort my body, I'm going to flush the public toilet with my foot.

(read comment)

Sometimes I shave my pubic hairs in Animal Cracker shapes.

The first time my wife and I got serious, she had hers shaved like a landing strip.
I took that as a good sign.

This is the way most poker players look when they go all in on a bluff. I'm almost embarrassed to take their money...........................almost.

Nice couple of puppies...

Gentle Readers, please choose your font carefully...it says a lot about you. Just look at the phone number at the bottom. There is no excuse for that kind of undecipherable stupidity....

Sometimes when I'm bored, I play mind games like this:

Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck, or 100 duck-sized horses?

I think this is a great idea...just to let the population know the extent of usage...

Let's thank Clint Eastwood for raising the bar on how incoherent and embarrassing we can be this Labor Day.

I want so badly to believe this is true. It's magnificent...

Here's to hopefully your still having a job when you return from Labor Day weekend.

This reminds me of my son-in-law's first foray into the wonderful world of pokeri....
 The internet is having a hard time letting go of this....

This Labor Day, let's salute American corporations for keeping the Chinese gainfully employed.

Thanks to the catastrophic greenhouse effect, Labor Day no longer signifies the end of summer.

The Labor Day holiday means I get my retirement check a day late.

I love beer more than parents of honor students love bumper stickers.

In several states, this innocent ruse is outlawed. I think it's an excellent idea...

I think that before you call yourself an African American, you at least have to be able to find Africa on the globe.

"Now let me show you how the antenna goes into the...ah...inbox..."

In India leopard is impaled, rescued and recovered....

Damn! I mean, DAMN!

This looks silly, but it's based on a very good art lesson.
You give the child a ball of clay and have him throw it as hard as he can down on a sheet of newspaper on the floor. After peeling it off, he holds it flat in his hand and does it again and agin. Finally he has to hold it with two hands and every time the clay hits the floor it gets a little bigger and thinner. Finally, the child puts the clay disc over his face (as above) and molds it to his face; mashing in for eyes, pinching for nose, etc. Then the "face" is placed atop several sheets of wadded up newspaper to keep it from collapsing. Then..........all bets are off. They may manipulate the clay anyway they choose.
You might want to tell your kids' art teacher about it. It's a very, very good project.

My wife used to like to cook topless, but she kept getting chest hair in our food...

Backs. Backs are good.

This is a torn card...
 This is a drawing of same....

We all wish we could do this, don't we...

Am I the only one who races to the bathroom to take a pee when setting the microwave at 30 seconds?

Why do I have to press 1 for English, when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

I would bet real money that those are painted horses. Real zebras refuse to be trained, much less domesticated....or at least that's what I've read....

Have you ever sneezed so hard that you got snot on your dick?

The would be a lot funnier if he wasn't the groom...

Art installation made from old magazines....

This was the speech already written in case the moon mission went south...
Stuff like that fascinates me.

Didn't get this for a few seconds...

My doctor once sent me for a CAT Scan due to an inner ear problem. When it was time to sit up, I told the technician (who had a bad combover) I might need a minute since sitting up gives me vertigo. He looked down at the cigarettes in my pocket and said, "Those cigarettes only make it worse."
I smiled, looked at him and said, "Fuck you."
He said, "I was just trying to give you some good advice."
I said, "Oh, is it "give a total stranger good advice day" again? Okay, Do something with your hair....I mean, Damn!"
Then I stood up, walked to the door, turned and said, "A breath mint wouldn't hurt either."
He laughed. I laughed. No harm no foul.


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