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I'm an artist, an educator,,and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like beer...but I love my wife. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

TUESDAY 9/4/12

Still basking in the beach ataraxia. It takes a day or two to get in "beach mode". No watches, no phones. I usually work on this blog when there is nothing else to do...and by "to do" I mean sit on the beach doing absolutely nothing.
The only real problem so far is the temperature of the house we rented. My wife found the setting "Meat Locker" on the thermostat and has left it there since our arrival.
My feet are numb. When I go outside my glasses fog us so severely as to become opaque. And when I take a beer out of the fridge, it gets colder the longer it sits on the table. But one does not just talk thermostat settings with her in that pirate mode.

We would "Take it back" if we could, you magnificent bastard....

I have a few things to say about graffiti.
 I ALWAYS get permission to paint on a person's private property. Mostly I am PAID by the property owner to do the artwork, but that's not important.
Then there are the people who risk being arrested to plaster their "message" without permission. Why?
I think there is a real need for civil disobedence, but....BUT...it shouldn't be used for self-agrandizement. Violating a person personal property rights needs to have the valid excuse of improving a wrong; not to make you look good in front of your peers.
Also, if we give some people support (like Banksy), then shouldn't we give all support....like neo-Nazis?

I don't deserve to be sober.

Those exact same trails have probably been used for countless generations....

If you can't beat them outright, then make them as fat as you are...

Dear Young Men,
Once your wife has been around the sun more than 60 times,  your dick is going to be more neglected than the nine button on the microwave.
And when you do get to use it, she's checking her Facebook the whole time.
My advice is to wear that bitch out now...while she's young enough to care enough to fake it.

Do you know what those little platforms are?
 No matter how many people die taking the RR bridge shortcut to town, it will be used often. Unable to stop this insanity, they just installed a place where stupid people can seek refuge when a train roars by at 60 miles an hour.
Just another way to cheat Darwin if you ask me.

I'm an equally loathing voter...

Believe this or not, I have said many times that I like commercials on TV; especially during movies. I had the time to go pee, get a beer, maybe make a sandwich.
Now, however, there are so many commercials that I have time to drink a beer, take a shit, and/or drive to the store for lunch meat then make a sandwich.

Is this the coolest motherfucker on earth, or is it from a movie or something?
Andd what's up with the cylindrical object on the sidewalk? Keep your eye on it and try to explain its strange behavior.

This is just about too realistic for me...
 It reminds be of the camera shot of an enemy exploding when hit by a 50 cal sniper round. You could see his spinal column being flung in the air very similar to this.

An unfortunate mouth ulcer....

People who know a hurricane is coming and decide to ride it out ought to be left out on their roofs to become gull food....just cheating Darwin again.....

I feel the same way when I see my favorite lap dancer at the grocery store....

Just another reason not to take her home to meet mom....

Svi se smiju istim jezikom  

Everybody Laughs in the Same Language

Believe it or not, this is a tattoo around a navel....

This is my beautiful wife at an event. Her "date" was the chief of police.
 Just to make sure, he asked her if I would be jealous.
I took that as a sign of class.
(And by the way, she was exceptionally beautiful that night)

"Honey, it's just a woman with a beer can in her vagina. Could you come to bed now?"

This is a bowling advertisement....

My wife said that my new sunglasses makes me look like a young Don Johnson. And my wife doesn't lie.

TRUE: I have spilled more paint in my life than most people will ever spread.

The plural of vinyl is vinyl.

Well, what could be easier....
....maybe we ought to try that in Detroit.

"Money can't buy happiness" is just a lie we tell poor people to keep them from rioting.

Remember the Heineken building bottles from another post. Well, look what they have now...

Don't be that one asshole in gym class who thinks he's in the olympics. 

My kind of teacher....

Barack Obama is the best black president America has ever had.

I think she's struck this pose before....

Rules to live by:

Time-lapse fireworks....

I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
(think about that a minute)

This is true friendship....

I read that when you die 159,635 (or so) people will die that same day. Is that supposed to make me feel better?


Tonight at the restaurant, I criticized the way my wife makes her sevens (crossed like Europeans). Bugged-eyed, she sat up straight, rotated her head almost all the way around, and in a guttural growl said to the elderly couple seated next to us, "The anti-christ has awoken."
I take that as progress over the pirate obsession; at least she spoke in a complete sentence. 

Words escape me...
The neck, of course, does not stretch. It's the shoulder bones that are deformed.

Friends are like snow flakes.
If you pee on them, they disappear.

You go, girl....
That actually impressed me.

God, I wish I had met this guy. We have a lot in common.
(The man hates aerodynamism? What the fuck is aerodynamism?)

 - many hours later -
Okay, I couldn't stand it. Couldn't find it in dictionary, or Google so I went to the old standby - Urban Dictionary and here is what it had to say?

This seems logical to...ah....NOBODY ON THE FUCKING PLANTET!!!!!!

These women are having a tug of war. That is all.

Dear Gentle Readers, 
I know that you are just trying to help, but I do not post images like this, so please stop emailing them to me.
Responsible blogger that I am......

I have an irrational fear of playing dead when being attacked by a bear, only to discover the bear is a necrophile.

This reminded me of a show I watched about the Samurai warriors. When on horseback they attached a "sail" to their waist and shoulders. The sail was made of very densely woven silk. This would bellow out behind them when at full gallop and would stop most arrows fired at them from the rear. And even the arrows making it through the sail were slowed so much as to cause little damage.
 When dismounted, the sail would bellow out behind them when running and effectively do the same.
Clever folks, those Samurai.
They ought to make a movie about them.

How to know your wedding photographer is an idiot...

The customs form for the returning astronauts...

Today at the beach I met two other surfers....

When you find yourself on a road trip and someone calls "shotgun", just yell "Rosa Parks" and refuse to move.

Man up kid, and just stop pissing him off!!!!

"You need to learn to do this without a calculator. You are not going to be carrying a calculator around with you everywhere you go," said 4th grade math teacher only a few years ago.

Wife and I on porch moments before she headed off to bed. She asked me if I wanted to attend the upcoming wedding of one of her distant cousins. The woman has been living with a guy for a decade, has two kids, are poor as a church mouse and still she is going to wear an expensive wedding dress because "Michael wants me to look pretty."
Then my wife said that the ceremony would be in a church inside a converted mobile home.
I just squinted at my wife and wondered if she even knew me anymore. My expression was so comical that she burst out laughing.

1 comment:

Spider Borland said...

That animation with the guy dodging cars has been edited. That explains the badassery, and the weird object that doesn't move.

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