MONDAY'S EUDAIMONIA

This is the way my wife reacts when I pull my dick out in the Publix parking lot...

The "me" who set the alarm last night has no respect for the "me" who has to wake up in the morning.


Am I the only one to wonder how that tail is attached?

If a man dies with a single penny still sitting in the bank, he's a fool.

You got the new iPhone 5, but you sleep on an air mattress?

Because we fucking can, that's why!

This is the look my proctologist's nurse has seen often...

Everyone told Vincent van Gogh that he only had one ear and could not be a great artist. And you know what he said? "I can't hear you."

Only a tiny minority of extremists want to kill us. The vast majority of moderates just want to scold us for noticing.



I still find it interesting that I could be arrested for carrying this bag out in public, but if I changed it to "I need some fricking groceries" I would be left alone.

Too soon?

People pay ridiculous amounts of money for caviar, which is (are?) just fish eggs. Women don't use all of the eggs their bodies produce. When a woman dies, we should harvest those unused eggs and sell them.
I would call it cadaviar.

I love humor like that.

Of course religion makes sense....

That's sad as fucking shit.

I should have thought of this....

Mine would have a velcro strap and an impression for the bottom of the bottle.

Bicycle chains....nice...

The History Channel is doing to history what MTV did to music.

Why giraffes shouldn't drink...

I'd be unstoppable if not for law enforcement and physics.

Remember the gun firing in space question? I guess firing underwater is about the same thing....

Did you notice the twists of the rifling?

Those zany Germans...

Marriage is a relationship in which one is always right and the other is the husband.

It's fall. The leaves and my serotonin levels are falling.



The power of nope compels me....

Some damn place they had a sea foam excess that damn near covered the whole town...

North Korean transportation...

May your Diwali celebration of candles, lamps and fireworks not be mistaken for maniacal pyromania.
But I'm sorry Diwali hasn't been over-exploited by marketers enough for most people to know it exists.

Kissing done very, very right....

Kissing done very, very wrong...

Did you ever notice that in every picture of Jesus, his expression is the same as the people standing in line at the DMV.

The bright side of the replacement refs mess is that because of a career filled with concussions, most of the players won't even remember.
But seriously, nothing unites the country like a shitty call during a national sporting event.

The game with Seattle have left Green Bay fans more disappointed since seeing Brett Favre's Dick Pic Tweet.
In Seattle, it's now legal to adopt a child by grabbing a pregnant woman's belly from behind and falling to the ground.
Russell Wilson is the first quarterback in history to throw a game winning interception.



Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to Mr. Art. He lives all around you...if you will take the time to look for him.....

The sexual innuendo of the phrase "Slipping in the poll" can no longer be ignored.

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I find shower drains terrifying. 

In Europe the page not found pop-up features a missing child...that's a good thing...

Now, Gentle Reader, go back and look at that lost child's face again. Look at it real good. 
I'm not much for giving the government permission to kill its citizens, but when it comes to children I regret to say all bets are off. I would get medieval on his ass....after I offered her dad if he wanted first go.

Just one catastrophic explosion at just one Walmart could increase the national literacy rate while simultaneously lowering its obesity rate.

Enjoy your mediocre life.

A person can only kiss so much ass before they choke on shit.



The best laid plans........

Employee spilling iPhone 5's in front of people waiting in line to buy one...

Now go back and wonder what the guy in the brown T-shirt is thinking.

Vaginal stimulation: Level: Asian.......

I bet she knows every cobblestone street in the city.
And the mask is to cover up that cute guppy orgasm face all women make if you do your fucking job.

Check out the black porn band....

And westerns just evaporated.

This is what Mona Lisa sees every day of her miserable fucking life....

Fuck Trix.

Man casually throws a grenade off the field...

Now THAT is a rough fan base!

It is impossible to say "I wasn't talking to you" politely.

Check out the smiling older women on the right...

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

Seriously, I talked to a truck driver who told me a blow job from a half way good looking girl in a truck stop costs $40. I wonder who sets the price. I mean is some old fat fuck wants a blow job would he seriously say, "No, $45 is just too damn much."

And if you did get her to lower her price, thus pissing her off, do you really want your dick in the mouth of a pissed off woman?

One thousand words....

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone so stupid that every word coming out of their mouth was spelled wrong?



I have never understood how anyone can just "stroll" through a quality museum. I was so blown away at the Louvre that I ended up just sitting in front of a huge Manet all afternoon. Periodically I would walk up and closely inspect a single brushstroke, then return to the bench....smiling. I could have touched it had I wanted. But I dared not.

When a male honey bee climaxes during sex, his testicles explode and he dies.
And I'll bet money is buddy bees point at him and laugh their asses off.

One of the best teachers I've ever seen taught her third grade students to do this in her math class....

I think throwing a Molotov Cocktail should be attempted murder....I mean that....

You throw one of those at me and I shoot to kill.

When I saw a vagina for the very first time, it was like meeting a celebrity. I was like, "Oh my god! I've seen all your movies!"

Made with images from space....

Happy life = Bad memory.

Why Eskimos should not drink....

Can you spot the Alpha Dog?

I wish cancer got cancer.

Words not required....

This is me when I tell a story and some drunk immediately slurs "That ain't nothin'....." and begins an attempt to top my tale....

I've always considered any sex good sex if she doesn't call the police or vomit.

I'm sure her mother is proud....

Did you ever notice that the word "bed" looks like a bed?

Words escape me....but you can hardly ignore a thing like this....

AND THEN THERE'S THIS....
You can't imagine how much I am enjoying watch my latest little friend grow up.

He's got poker player written all over his beautiful face.