My daughter asked for them, so here they are...
And my favorite...
If I jumped from space and had 4 minutes of free time, I would probably have tried to masturbate.
Okay, you cut it down. Then what do you do with it? What I mean is, how do you cut it into boards?
You can't save a damsel who likes her distress.
Oh, shit! It seems like the more of our money the federal government spends on something, the worse it gets...
A man's pants should never be tighter than his girlfriend's.
The weaker sex my ass....
If you are employed and don't linger on street corners in the inner city, you are not permitted to use the term "Bro"...ever.
"Fucking assholes these days!"
You have to use the exact inflection in your voice if you ever say that in public.
Sadness is both addicting and contagious.
Once upon a time the Disney artists went on strike...
And as one would assume, their signs were well done....
One of my newest "adopted" sons. He's had some rough times and now is getting his life in order. I do what I can to help...like buying those climbing spikes he's wearing.
Who the fuck has been cutting everyone's grass during the zombie apocalypse?
Is nothing or nobody sacred?
Have you noticed that whatever sport you are trying to learn, the first rule of all of them is to keep your knees bent?
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe....so basically a ninja clown.
Basically, this is what he's asking us to do...give him another shot....
The man had absolutely no experience at leadership and we handed him the reins of the most powerful country in the world. What could possibly go wrong.
In about 30 years, nursing homes will be filled with old people arguing about how Metallica changed after getting short haircuts.
In about 30 years, nursing homes will be filled with old people arguing about how Metallica changed after getting short haircuts.
Okay, now I'm impressed....
"It's an older code, sir, but it checks out."
BARABBAS: Because there was a time when being "more popular than Jesus Christ" was not all that uncommon.
This is another idea to protect future man from digging down into high level nuclear waste. A huge thorn structure made of non-corroding stainless steel.
REINTARNATION: When you come back as a hillbilly.
Never been so conflicted in my life....
QUIZ OF THE DAY:
You've heard of micro and macro, well, what do you think mucro means?
A: Larger than any previously stated number.
B: The small point on a leaf.
C: A huge mistake.
D: Colorants in paintings that are not traditional paints or dyes.
(answer below)
The Syrian government doesn't need precision weapons to destroy neighborhoods. Why waste expensive bombs and missiles when you can just fill a barrel with TNT and drop it? And that is what they are doing.
When someone says "You really made my day," it really makes my day.
When someone says "You really made my day," it really makes my day.
Basically it boils down to
A:
Or B:
Over and over and over and over again.
Educational displays in Canada...
Did you catch the nipples in that?
I only talk to my computer when it deserves it.
Fuck soccer! Teach the motherfucker to mow the goddamned lawn!!!
A stranger dropped by my house today to attempt to buy my 1991 Mercury Capri convertible. There were only 10,000 made in a three year period and I'm thinking of holding on to it until it's worth something....maybe. Anyone have any thoughts on that?
By the way, it's got a wiring problem and won't start, but the motor worked good the last time it was running and it has very low mileage.
Last night my wife told me I was "Too drunk."
I told her that was the plan all along.
Last night my wife told me I was "Too drunk."
I told her that was the plan all along.
This was almost too stupid to post......almost......
God loves you......unless you have tattoos; then you are going to hell.
You have no idea how much I hate this person....
Censorship tells the wrong story, indeed.....
Amazing........but brilliant......
No, please dear god, no......
I truly wish I hadn't seen that.
This is real.....legless warrior still....
Do you remember the street view of my house with me standing out in my driveway? Well, they have changed it.
Oddly, that disappoints me.
If no one told you that they loved you today, you are hanging with the wrong people.
If no one told you that they loved you today, you are hanging with the wrong people.
I weep for the future....
Mucro: the point on a leaf.....
It survived, but can never smell again. Think about that in dogs' terms.....
Naked girls on scooters + cobblestone road = long way home.....
I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.
Well, of course it's a hair of Buddha. What else could it possibly be? But I wonder if anyone has bothered to look.
Just in case you forgot...
Awwwwwwkward.........
I don't have bad handwriting.
I have my own font.
This is the way I looked when a man didn't understand when I told him that moonlight was really reflected sunlight.....
One time I waited on the corner for my blind date. When this girl walked by, I said, "Are you Linda?"
She said, "Are you Ralph?"
I said, "Yeah."
She said, "I'm not Linda."
Some movies, this being one, just have to be seen on the big screen....Star Wars, Saving Private Ryan, Lawrence of Arabia, Avatar, are others......
I can personally confirm that sandwiches cut diagonally are, on average, 37% tastier than those cut horizontally.
What if.....
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, since nobody listens.
Looks like no matter what we are going to get fucked....
This time of year a lot of people ask me what party I like. I always say "Cocktail", and it takes them a minute or two to get it.
I got an email today from New Zealand. It said:
"How are your boobs?"
Should I answer him?
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