About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

WEDNESDAY 10/10/12

Years ago the New England Patriots made it to the Super Bowl. Their coach had worn the same worn out hoodie all year, but at the start of the game he came out in a brand new one.
I went nuts! How in the name of common sense could this man change ANYTHING after the string of successes he and his team had had?
Anyway, he lost the game and I felt strangely vindicated. 
Now, on the heels of the longest winning streak in the University of South Carolina's history, AND going up against their fiercest opponent, the team is going to don brand new uniforms. God help us.

This Columbus Day, let's apologize for our historical mistreatment of American Indians by losing all our money at tribal casinos. 

An American Indian celebrating Columbus Day is like a Jew celebrating Hitler's birthday.

Give this one a minute or two or three....long enough for it to change.

Did you notice that their paths were those shapes?
Nah, me neither.
Also it looks like the red ball speeds up upon colliding, but it doesn't.

A few cheap Halloween costumes you might want to think about....

Animals who serve some (any) purpose for man are thriving....dogs, cows, horses, etc.
Animals that could harm us are destroyed or allowed to starve from lack of habitat. 
However, there are animals that we expend great amounts of money to protect that do not really have a purpose.....other than they are cute.
Take pandas and cats. Those lucky bastards just luck into cuteness and we protect them.
So basically, we get rid of all mean, ugly animals so man can about walk around everywhere on earth without any fear of the fauna AND those that are left we can either eat, use, or observe their cuteness. 
The pesky flora is next.......aaaaaaaand it's gone.

Bone appetite.....

I hate excessive perfume on women. Why can't I get a law passed so that I don't have to smell it?

I listened to a TV ad about that dick medicine Cialis and it ended with this: "See our ad in Golf Digest".
I found that very funny.

Recognize any of these pot heads?

TRUE: My wife asked me why I didn't have any paintings that I painted in Graduate School. I told her that I had a show at the museum and it sold out....the first time that ever happened. Then when my wife was pregnant with her and I had no insurance, I found a OB/GYN who collected art and he swapped his whole fee for a truck load of my paintings.

I watched a film about building 7. It apparently collapsed for no apparent reason....very interesting....

Dreams don't work unless you do.

This morning I had my salad tossed by a wad of toilet paper.

Steve Jobs would be spinning in his grave over the iOS Maps....if his grave appeared on iOS Maps.

"What's for dinner, Dad?"
"Something off the grill, I guess."

Millions of dollars in artificial intelligence research.
I say first invent artificial stupidity first and work from there.

And all created just so its creator can test our adoration of him under the penalty of eternal damnation....

My wife has a gay guy working at her women's clothing shop. The guy got in a big argument with another gay guy who worked at the store next door over parking spaces.
So one day she goes out and here they are yelling at one another and she stepped in. Her guy tried to explain how he had been wronged by referring to the other guy as "she"....which is weird enough, but not the punch line.
Finally, my wife got very angry and said, "I won't have my gay guy fight my neighbor's gay guy! This two queens pissing contest is going to stop NOW!!!"
And it did.

Kind of sounds like a fun weekend, don't it?

My dick is not short....it's..........concentrated.

How is it that thugs are supposed to smoke dope all the time and still manage to be mean?

Oh, look, everybody, my dick is bigger than anybody's...

Always wear your invisible crown.
If you don't know what that means....well....think about it a while.

Why? Because my narcissism demands it and to prove my ego is bigger than your ego....

Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read.

My money is on the cobra....

Sometimes this is the way I feel when I post an opinion on my blog....

You know that awkward feeling when your wife finishes giving you a blow job and then wants to kiss you in the mouth......and she's still got cum dripping off her chin?

Let's take public transportation they said. It will faster and fun they said.....

What a joke America's jobless rate is. We can do better.
To be honest, we have no idea how many people are out of work. It's as if the government wants it that way.

Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin....which explains why his cookies have no chocolate.
(might want to think about that a minute)

Had a guy attempt to explain to me what the problems in the Middle East are and he kept calling the former Egyptian lead "Armoire" Sadat. I even had him repeat it several times, but never corrected him.

I went to visit a friend sick with a very bad cold one time and he answered the door with two of his wife's Tampons up his nose. I almost laughed, then I thought...that's not a bad idea.

Dancing naked in 5....4....3....

Listened to a Ted talk about terrorism from the victims' point of view. First he had a loud BANG that scared the shit out of everyone. Then he began to call out seat numbers and describing the wounds the person would have sustained.
Then he told of "Human Shrapnel". Those are pieces of flesh, bone, teeth, hair that are hurled out as fast as a bullet and are imbedded in a victim's flesh. Most are not removed and it takes months for the body to reject this new intruder and extrude it out of the skin. So months after the attack, you are sitting in your living room and you scratch a bump on your leg and out pops a piece of another person's skull.
That was very powerful.
His point was that those kinds of stories are the most powerful tool there is to keep people from falling for the 72 virgin bullshit. The US should take out ads in major and minor newspapers with true interviews from ARAB victims. Have it on their TV's. Flood the internet with it. Show a shredded Quran or two. 
I tend to agree.
Show them what really happens to their countrymen when a bomb goes off in a market.

What if Mike Tyson was the first person to experiment with bath salts?

Do card-carrying Communist really carry cards?

Rule #39.....

Have you ever told your wife something so stupid that she could but stare at the ceiling until you left the room?

TRUE: Japanese researchers have demonstrated in mice that eggs and sperm can be grown from stem cells and combined to produce healthy offspring.
What could possibly go wrong?

String theory is complicated.

From a news show: "...had a few other people commentate about...."
Why not just "comment about"?

In space nobody can hear you fart.

As a child, my father would beat me for wetting my bed. Now when I cry I pee in my pants.

When I was young my big brother told me that every time I yawned a ghost stuck his dick in my mouth. To this very day I think about that every time I yawn.

That was my own compilation and by golly I'm proud of it.

SAID TO BE TRUE: The Learning Channel (TLC) was founded in 1972 by NASA and the Health Department as an educational channel.
It was privatized.
Now it shows Honey Boo Boo.

I used to sell furniture to make ends meet. The only problem was, it was my own.

Toys: the more annoying they are, the longer the battery lasts.

Somehow, I was always the neighborhood kids' imaginary friend.

I've had dreams about places like this...seriously...
Don't you think if I were wrong I'd know it?

White people. Go figure......

No tourists were harmed in the making of this video....but it scared her so badly that she sat on the floor crying....

If I was Alice I would have left Wonderland. 

It's funny how many people complain about people complaining.

One job. You had one job.....
It took me too long to find that. I think it's a trick my mind plays on me....you know what it's suppose to say, so you just read it right.

1 comment:

Alex said...

It's eerie, Ralph. Regarding the uniforms, I had the exact same thought as you did when the story broke a few days ago. However, one must present a possible non sequitur to our shared belief in Gamecocks/sports superstitions: I recall last year when USC stormed the field in similar "Wounded Warrior" Under Armor uniforms against Auburn. But just before the start of the game, the referees forced the Cocks to change uniforms, as the referees were concerned they would not be able to see the players' numbers. Despite being in our traditional uniforms, we still lost the game. I remember thinking at the time that we would have won if we were allowed to wear the new uniforms, as it would have pumped up the players (which the players stated that it indeed pumped them up). But then again, Garcia did play in that game, so my logic could be fallacious. At any rate, I'm going to quit talking about it so as to not further jinx the situation. Quod erat demonstrandum.

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