About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012


What the internet has to say about the debates:
   The third debate was the political equivalent of driving past a street corner several times to make sure you choose the least skanky ho.
  "We can't kill our way out of this mess." - Mitt delivering the least American line of the night.
   The 1980's called to ask for their foreign policy back.
   It was like listening to two serial killers arguing about what kind of van to buy.
   Obama seems suspiciously knowledgeable about foreighn affairs for someone born here.
   Romney will call China a currency manipulator. China will laugh and sell him another flag pin.
   Asses should be seen and not heard.

This is how my wife watched the debate...

This bench is custioned, just painted to look like wood....
It occurs to me that these creatures have the exaxt wrong feet for this activity...

If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books today at Barnes & Noble from 3pm until I'm removed by security.

Homeless Man costume.....

The reason women normally don't propose to men is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping.

I wonder how long it will be before people have anal plastic surgery so their poop will have funny shapes....like tiny divers.

Hyperbole is the best thing ever.

A "Street View" inside Google. The red pipes are hot water; the blue pipes are cold water; the green incoming data; and the yellow are lawsuits....

If we give gay people equal rights, then everyone will want them.

Did you notice the sheer number of bike racks?

Who would have thunk....

How many plug-in air fresheners does it take to mask the decay of human flesh?
I'm asking for a friend.

They should invent a toilet seat with a rumble pack to shake your turds loose.

What a great movie. I mean that. A real classic...

Speaking of things in mouths....

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

 301!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

My daughter doesn't think this is funny.

I beg to differ.....

Halloween....when dresssing up in a clown suit and giving candy to little kids is perfectly legal.

I once broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend because I was afraid she was seeing someone else....

Yesterday my Korean neighbor confessed that sometimes he misses Korea because in America they don't know how to prepare good dog meat.
I introduced him to a pressure cooker and he was so pleased he offered me his wife.

I'm not in denial. I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.

Rules for unarmed combat:
1: Never be unarmed.

I don't think it's possible not to smile over this...

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you're man enough.

Am I the only one who watches a scene like this in a movie and notices the tire tracks of all the other takes of the same scene?

Interesting string of words...
Dark energy is the largest component of the energy budget of the universe.

I think I have figured out why there are so many more cats on the internet than dogs. While dogs are running around protecting your property, the cat just sits there posing; like a breathing, eating, shitting, vase.

Blowjob? No thanks....

99.9% of people don't know what a pineapple tree looks like.

This kind of reminds me of my wife taking off her makeup....

This is me when I make a pun and everybody thinks it was an accident....

I can't stop putting my head in things. I have a very strong urge to put my head in ovens, draws, trash cans, etc. Don't tell anybody, because I'm very ashamed of it.

I know Asians are good at math, but do they have to show off by doing it with their eyes closed?

I set my DVR to record "Biggest Loser" and it recorded the USC/Florida game.

Large study did somewhere or the other:
Kids taken into room, given strict rules for a game, then left alone. All cheated
Different kids (same age, etc) given same instruction but were told that an invisible princess was sitting in the chair. Even after most of the children felt the chair and declared that they didn't believe it, when left alone none of them cheated.
I don't know exactly what to make of that.

Some award winning photos....

When you see it....

Chimp chillin'......

This looks so cute until you realize that the black dog is stealing the other dog's collar...

Tomorrow is our permanent address.

Our earliest known mammal ancestor...

How do you correctly pronounce Huygens?

A couple of weird new toys...

Had a friend killed when hit from behind just like this. I wonder if this could have saved his life....

Here's how I grew up:
- returned milk, coke and beer bottles for reuse.
- all paper grocery bags were reused at least once.
- for small items, children were sent to the store on foot.
- we washed baby diapers.
- dried clothes on a line.
- used a push mower.
- drank from fountains, refilled our pens with ink, and replaced our razor blades.
- our kids rode bikes to school and were seldom fat.

Note screws....

This just ain't right, folks....

I am working on my black belt in sarcasm.

A meal without wine is called breakfast.

Without stupid people we would have little to laugh at. Take time to thank a stupid person for their contribution to our collective mental health.


Anonymous said...

How do you correctly pronounce Huygens?

I've used this name in my lectures, and always said "Hoy-gens". I have no idea if the snickering in the back of the class was related.

-Your daughter

Alex said...

To be precise, the 'Huy' sound in the Dutch dialect--as Huygens was Dutch--is somewhat similar to the German. When the name is pronounced at the inteded speed of of his regional dialect, it notably sounds like a mix between 'Hug-enz' and 'Herg-enz, with the distinct sound of a glottal stop at the back of the throat when making the u-r-g sound, just before the -enz.

Your daughter is still a beautiful, brilliant genius. Just sayin'. You hate me now, don't you. Please don't put me in the same "Jackass-Criticizer" category as my older brother. He deserves it. Thank you, sir.

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