MONDAY #1404

Let's never speak of 2012 again. Thank you.

In my family, I was antepenultimate.

 Believe it or not I typed 241543903 into Google images and, sure enough, there were hundreds of pictures of just what it says....

I'll never forget my father's dying words:
"Is that a train?"


As I understand it, if the fruit is sprayed and frozen first, then when the real cold weather rolls in the fruit is more or less insolated to a mere 32 degrees...which it can tolerate.

I'm 0 to 3,000 on pulling the correct ceiling fan chain.


These women have been taught that there were certain things that women did to appear beautiful and successful.

Primative tribes have codes of dress with insignia for rank, whick, I assume, servess them well in battle.

But we are not a primative tribe. We understand these simplistic codes and have embraced diversity of thought and style, a sign of creativity and self-esteem devoid of some arbitrary social norm. Well, some of us have...
This is the Trinity Knot

If CEO's, actors, athletes, and/or other high status men begin to wear this knot, I am absolutely certain that there will be tens of millions of American men marching lock step into the new look.
And, look at the collar...better run out and buy all new shirts.

I've stopped payment on my reality check.

Ladies, there's a fine line between a fitted dress and a sausage casing.


I find this a positive sign...

Did you know that rice does not have to be planted in water? The only reason they do that is to keep out the weeds.

I was sitting in the American Legion Bar when a young man came in and sat two stools down from me.  He had a couple of beers and then someone called me Ralph. He reached over, tapped my arm very respectfully and said, "You are Ralp...the blogger?" I nodded that I was.
He shook my hand and thanked me and said he was a regular follower.
This was my reaction.

I'm not saying she's sucked a lot of dick, I'm just saying she can gargle peanut butter.

 Go figure...

Volleyball is just a more intense version of "don't let the balloon hit the floor".


Tells these guys they look gay...I dare you...

Now this guy, on the other hand....

And this one...well, what can one say...

Try saying this when your caller ID shows an unknown caller: "Hello. Westwood Sperm Bank. You spank it, we bank it."

Am I getting older or has the supermarket begun playing great music?

I've never started a forest fire. That counts for something.


Serves the motherfucker right...

Life isn't fair...just fairer than death.


How manly can it be if a girl can do it...

Fuck art; let's play with synthesizers. 

The last time I had sex with my wife, I finished and rolled off and she said, "Boy, that was fast. I was just getting comfortable."

"Wanna see my dick? It's over in Lexington County."

My wife's extended family has more tattoos than teeth.
Which reminds me. Great movie...BERNIE, with Jack Black. Laughed my ass off. The townfolk characters sound exactly like the people in my neighborhood. Please watch this movie.


This is a good idea...

I tried to explain to a guy that Jesus had nothing against drinking, he even made it from water his very first recorded miracle. He said, "Ah! But that wine had to be non-alcoholic since it didn't have time to ferment!" The whole time he was smirking at me like I was the idiot.
(from the movie Bernie)

Blasphemy is a victimless crime.

This is what it says:

You'd think the smell of all that shit running out of my pants would run him off.

Foggiest idea....

Exactly...

I want to meet this man...

I watched a film on this. The flying machine is connected to an ultra lightweight cage by the "axle". It can fly anywhere, but can also roll across the ground at great speed with minimal power usage. Coming to an obstacle, it just flies over it. I want one.

Bridge building in a fraction of the time...

I got a virus from downloading porn.
The virus shows me more porn!
Is this a great country or what!

Some say that gay couples will raise their children to be gay even if it goes against their nature. Ummmmm. Sounds kind of familiar doesn't it.

It doesn't get any more Canadian than this...

Ever noticed that the funniest things are all illegal?

What happens in Kentucky, stays in Kentucky...

Can you imagine the damage an Islamic government of Egypt could do if they followed the Taliban who destroyed ancient statues of Buddha?

You will be missed, you magnificent badass bastard...

Nice guys are always getting mad when they see girls they like dating assholes, but just imagine how us assholes feel when we see a girl we like dating a nice guy.
It's twice as infuriating to us...because we are assholes.

 Does this count as sex?

Ones of my very own...