THURSDAY

Kate Middleton is pregnant and the Pope joined Twitter. Truly a huge day for shit that won't impact my life at all.

Had this been in America, the guy would have been shot eight times before anyone figured out it was a gag...

Kissing is just sucking on a very long tube with poo at the end.

Education, education, education...

You can answer almost any question with "Not since the accident". Try it....it really works.

I don't know if I can masturbate to black and white, but I will damn sure try.

This is what you can do if you have nuclear weapons...

When we got married I explained my laundry method to my wife like this:
It's simple. If it's clean, it's on the floor. If it's dirty, it's on the floor over there.

Cutting through Ft. Gordon on time on a two-lane blacktop and was stopped by a lone sentry out in the middle of nowhere. I got out of my truck and asked him what the problem was; he said, "You'll see."

 Moments later the ground began to shake...literally. Withing seconds tank after tank zoomed across the road doing about 50 mph. I was agape.

Are you still humming Michelle?

If you don't know who this is, you might want to Google him...

HAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!!

This is what my daughter looked like when I told her there was no Santa...or Toothfairy.....or Easter Bunny...or city in the sky with streets paved with gold....all at once...

I've always wanted to, but been to scared to, take a fanny pack, cut a hole in the back, wear it backwards, stick my dick through the hole and fill it with a few cigarettes. Then when someone asked me for a smoke........

.......or food.....

The oldest paintings In. The. World.....

I don't always talk to people who claim to have swag, but when I do, I ask for large fries.

I am often impressed by the desire of normal (meaning not formally trained) people to make art objects.

 As would be expected, some are much more effective than others, but they have made something with their hands that no other human has ever made.

I feel that way about my art. You have no idea how disappointed I would be if I found out another artist made one of my money sculptures before me.

TRUE:  Karma. Bless her heart....

No explanation came with this. My guess is earthen dye vats...probably for leather...

I do this sometimes if kids are watching, only I use two hands...

If the above made sense to you, read it again...slowly.

 English war poster...

"Far better...?!"

I got over my fear of monsters in the dark by being to masturbate as soon as the lights went out. No monster wants to see that shit.

One of my wife's best friends is Diane Ford, a comedian who has had her own HBO specials, etc. When Diane lived in LA, an up and coming comedian came to town with no money and no place to stay. Diane put her up and fed her for six months free of charge. That woman was Roseanne Barr.

Then when Roseanne hit it big with her TV show, Dianne called and offered to get together for lunch or something and Roseanne said, "I don't think so. I have new friends now."

Bitch.

Oh, my....

The light is a fire on a stick that brings the fish to the surface...how clever...

I always acted like I got really, really pissed when Santa didn't bring my daughters everything on their list. I would curse and kick shit....you should have seen me. That way I walked away unscathed.

Had we been born elsewhere...

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail of destruction and wet panties.

 Is it just me, or do those horses look quite small?

This should be posted in every school in America...

Next time you find yourself in bed with a woman who won't have sex with you because you forgot a rubber, just tell her having inadvisable upprotected sex is what Jesus would want. And while she's thinking about that, slip it in. 90% effective.

Don't know the story behind this, but the cubs probably lost their mom...

 I doubt they would ever survive in the wild since there is not one to teach them how to hunt.

How very, very clever...

My wife introduced me to one of her old friends and said, "She was once a model."
I said, "Wow! How long ago was that?!"

Ouch! It looks like this motherfucker didn't even know it until it wouldn't hold his weight...

TRUE:  National Geographic photographer was laying on his belly at a watering hole in hopes of getting a good shot of an animal...then she came along, saw him and began to advance. He was unarmed. She got within feet, then got on her back and just looked at him like this...

Women are like snowflakes....they can't drive either.

Give it a moment...

When we were first dating, I asked my wife, "What is the first thing you do when you get out of bed in the morning?"
She said, "Well, I usually get up, put on my clothes and go home."

Hostess should have a bake sale to save the company.

“Photography tips: 1) Have a camera with you.” 

Fuck "Dancing" With Stars, let's get real...

Study after study shows that 70% of Christmas gifts are wasted....unappreciated, thrown out, swapped or regiven. All of the experts say cash is the sure fire preference of most people.

How depressing...

TRUE: They now have a anti-energy drink called Marley’s Mellow Mood, whose label warns: May Cause Drowsiness.

Have you ever been so drunk that you couldn't taste your food and had to look down at it to see what you were eating.

I'm sorry, lady, but have you looked in the mirror? I would think it a miracle had you not been beat up on asthetics alone.

I'm not going to have a funeral, but if I was I would play Stayin' Alive through the whole thing.


????

If you've never been really drunk in a Chinese Restaurant at 2 am, you may not know why this is funny...

(for my mending friend, Jack)