TUESDAY

Look what somebody sent me....it's a flash drive!!

(apparently, whoever discovers it gets to name it)

Conspiracy theorists like to say that there is no plane debris in the Pentagon (which is a total fabrication) and I like to show them pictures of the place where the plane went down in Pennsylvania....there is very, very little debris.

Building 7 collapse is a whole nother matter.

At the desired time, the sun is focused on the cannon and BOOM!...alarm clock...and that's true...it works...

TRUE: “When two men are going to fight, the one that’s naked usually wins.” This was the excuse the man gave for being arrested for public nudity.

The ball draws...

TRUE:  Playful mental patient Amber Roberts, 30, admitted she had just murdered a fellow patient, “but you [the authorities] are going to have to find him,” by which she meant, start looking, and I’ll go “Hot,” “Cold,” “Warmer,” etc. 

God: Helping bad football teams cover the spread for 6000 years...

Green Bay’s kicker tried to commit suicide at halftime but he couldn’t kick the chair out from under himself.

GIRL FIGHT!!!!

Always look for a bar that will make you a fried egg sandwich even though it’s not on the menu and it's ten minutes until closing.

I'm not really sure what this means, but I'm pretty sure it's profound...

33 is a very unusual score in football. There are a whole bunch of 30, 31, 32, 34 and 35's, but to get 33 many unusual things have to happen. Anyway, for $50 I bought a team that was chosen for me at random, as did 31 other people so that everyone "owned" a team. If there is no winner on a given week, the prize rolls over to the next week, and so on. So far this year no 33 had been scored, but Sunday two teams did. Each of the winners won about $500...I was not one of those people.
It's a cool game that you might want to play with your friends.


I don't want to be crass, but if push comes to shove and a man has to have a few bucks for groceries, he can't earn it this way. Is that fair, ya'll?

"I've told you a million times not to exaggerate!"


Shit you don't see everyday....

The zoo in my city has a window like this under the polar bear pen. I took my young daughters down there once. It had a lot of water on the floor and there was only one place it could have come from....I left immediately and never returned.

I knew I had dyslexia when I got an invitation to a toga party and went dressed as a goat.


A thousand tears later...

Most people knew exactly what would happen to the South Vietnamese government once we left, yet we kept fighting for years.
Now we stay in Afghanistan and if you have any information that leads you to believe the Taliban won't retake the country, please send it to me...I've seen none.

Breathtakingly beautiful...

They have outlawed these everywhere because little Snowflake might get a bump on the head. I say the little bitch would have learned a hell of a physics lesson from that bump that she ain't soon to forget. Ditto learning about gravity by falling down...

If you can't immediately see the problem with this cooler, you are not a true beer drinker...

No, not the missing lid. They didn't leave any room for the ice.

This guy teaches an on-line cooking show and never changes his expression from this...

...but don't his tie look nice.

How old men have fun:
Try walking out of a bathroom in a crowded bar with a ruler...grinning from ear to ear.


What are the chances...

"Grandma Gone Wild"...

(Please don't let this memory stain the rest of your life)

There are hundreds…maybe thousands of men who can sit around a poker table and say that there wives were Victoria Secrets models and not be lying. I tell guys my wife was a Victorian Secrets model and not one of them has got the joke yet.

"Man, you sure are drinking those beers quick," asked the bartender.
     "I found my wife in my own bed fucking my best friend."
"Damn, what did you do?"
     "I looked her straight in the eye and said 'we're through, get the hell out'!"
"Good show. I'm buying the next round. What about your best friend?"
   "I looked him right in the eyes and said, 'BAD DOG'!"

Do you watch Walking Dead? Ever notice how the zombies just stand outside the fence week after week? You would think they would get bored back to death.

Agra is where the Taj Mahal is located...

So, basically, beef jerky is like a meat raisin.


Crazy-ass Asians...

If you don't know what 420 means, then this won't be funny.....ask your son...

It just shows they really understand their target customer.

One more time for old times sake...

I don't think that there is a sound more soothing than the thwapping of duck feet as they frantically sprint across asphalt. It sounds like it's raining thinly sliced sandwich meats.


I know this is silly, but sometimes I like silly...

I remember the first thing my wife ever said to me. Mutual friends invited me to join them at their table where sat my wife. I stuck out my hand and she leaned in and said, "Your shirt is inside-out."


Not me.

I never ask How are you unless I want an answer. I mean that. Sometimes I get a little miffed at people who just say Fine...like they are shirking.

Dear Young Husbands,
A:  Never say this to your bride:
"Just because it zips, doesn't mean it fits!"
B: Before your wife gets home, clean the house, do the laundry and be preparing dinner. This BJ is brought to you by the letter H, as in housework.

 This is why I never, ever stay to eyeball fuck-ups...

 That's why I never understood all those New Yorkers just standing on the street while a building burned and people jumped to their death. Milliseconds after the first plane hit I would have been on my way home.

(this film is not loaded)

Speaking of...

I find it hard to believe that there are still people in the world who have never made love while stoned...

America hates the metric system but will buy the shit out of 9MM pistols.

No offense to Steven Spielberg, but I'm sorry, if I found E.T. hiding in my shed, I wouldn't feed it candy...I'd be screaming like a snake bit little girl while trying to beat him to death with a shovel.

See anything odd about this bacon?

They are scarves...

Man up. Civil War soldiers getting their legs sawed off didn't drink merlot and Lewis and Clark didn't load their canoe with sherry.

It just seems to me that one way or the other, the Egyptians are going to end up fucked...

"Dad, can I ask you a question?"
    "You just did."
"Can I ask you two?"
    "You just did."

This prick was selected World's Sexiest man...

 ...by The Onion.

I never understood the phrase "History is bound to repeat itself" until I had to take European History 201 for the third time.

The new trend is to name your kid a normal name, but spell it like a 2nd grader.

That awkward moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one has made any sandwiches.

Women love a man in uniform.
Except for figure skating.

 Looks like a colon don't it.

You see what happens when lesbians adopt children...

In Norway they have light therapy in bus stops...

TRUE: This is part of a taking a shit theme park in Japan...

I had this book memorized before I got out of elementary school....chapter 7 is the most titilating....

Things I want explained to me...

This is a USO visit to Vietnam...

My government sent me to Goose Bay, Labrador while I was in the military. People hinted that there weren't any women there, but the first night I got there I went to the NCO Club and there was an all-girl band made up of extraordinarily beautiful women. They stayed for a week. After they left I didn't see another woman for months.
Some guys were so desperate that they would hang out in the grocery store just to ogle the officers' wives walk up and down the aisles.
************

TLC and The History Channel have shows about this prick all the time. There are people with PhD's who speculate upon the meaning of such scribbling. And don't get me started on the shows about ghosts, bigfoot and hillbillies.

All I can think about are the women he meets at a speed dating session...."Hi, I'm Bernie, I'm a.....".....

Research has proven that if you are scared of spiders, you are more likely to find them in your bedroom.

Red algae tide. Not sure it's getting worse or better, but you can't look at it without thinking of the bible's claim of turning rivers to blood....

Nice looping on the GIF, dude....

This guy photographs people walking down stairs.

I find the personal space each feels comfortable with interesting...like pigeons on a wire...not that that is a bad thing.

DAMN!

Studies show that the average amount of time a woman can keep a secret is 4 hours and 15 minutes.

Rule #1: Never mix alcohol and anything with wheels...

The Rapture at NASA....

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.

Never ask for directions from a starfish.

TSA wouldn't let the guy on a plane with this "watch"...imagine that...

And you thought American TV was strange....