MONDAY #1356

My first wife was an excellent housekeeper. She kept the house and everything else of any value.
(that was a lie)


Must have seen a thousand pictures of this, but never in the snow...

I was what my mother called "Accident Prone". My brother said that if all my stitches fell out at one time, I would fall completely apart.

When I got in the military and they cut off all my hair, because of all the scars my sergeant said my head looked like a road map.

No words are necessary...

I am a very happily married man. And by all indications my wife is a happily married woman....and to me.
There are, of course, some things you must do to keep a marriage worth maintaining. Role playing from time to time keeps it fresh. My wife is a master...

Other tips that I could give you is to tell her she is beautiful even without make-up...

Seriously, I have learned some things that may be worth sharing. A woman wants to be told you love her every day, but don't let it get stale. Every once in a while I tell my wife that I appreciate her for choosing me. The other day she cooked. I told her it was so delicious that I was thinking of renewing her contract for another year. You can ask her if there is anything you can do that day to make her happier.
And women, you only have to do one thing to keep your man. Tell him he has a big dick. A man NEVER gets tired of hearing that.

1000 words...

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated, but can't pronounce it.


TRUE: I saw an ad for real underwear that was not, in fact, denim, but it looked like denim. I wouldn't have mentioned that, but then I saw this cartoon....

If your revolver has only three shots left, is it half empty or half full.


If you find this entertaining.....Fuck you....

This is one of the saddest images I've ever seen...

Read something today about Gabon, Africa; a medium sized country on the west coast. It has recently declared huge areas of their country nature parks to protect the animals. As one would image there are those who do not agree...

By the by, Gabon had to cancel 31 million dollars in lumber contracts to secure the parks. For a poor country that takes real balls.

Worth another look...

It's rough out there, folks. I have smart young people who are forced to work as wait staff and such.

And remember, when the college grads move down to wait staff, the not so smart people who normally held those jobs are left high and dry.

NILLIONAIRE: Someone having little or no money.

I found my first gray pubic hair today. Normally things like that don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

When my wife asks, "What's the matter with you? Are you drunk?"

There was a whole collection of Famous People as Ordinary People. This is by far my favorite...

There is nothing scarier than a squirrel who's not afraid of you.


I don't get it......anybody?

Sometimes when I wipe, I'll wipe and I'll wipe and I'll wipe a hundred times....still poop. It's like I have a marker shoved up my ass or something.

How women think anal will be...

I don't want to come across as a know-it-all, but anal take what can only be called "preparation". If you don't know what that means, you might want to research it before you even suggest it.

My nephew, the pharmacy professor, thinks this and things like this could revolutionize medicine...

Remember, it's easy to jump on the nuts in society and suggest that they are the norm for all people who hold similar views.

People like this nice lady...

Or this nice man...

 Or this scientifically gifted man...

 Or...oh, you get my point...

But hear this....If you keep silent when you hear such nonsense, then you are just as guilty as they.

Sometimes I think that everyone else attended some secret lesson in which "How to abide stupidity" was taught and I had a dental appointment that day or was somehow not invited.
Or maybe stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.

I just heard today that mosquitos are only 300 million years old.

Russia may come up lacking in a whole bunch of ways, but they had safety posters down pat...

Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.

When you work on airplanes, the rule is that you wear no rings.

This poses a real problem for married guys and many of them simply forget to remove their wedding bands. Then one of them slips on a slippery wing (see image above) and instinctively scrap their hands along the wing's surface groping for a handhold. Then the ring catches on the slight lip of a rivet and a finger is ripped off faster than you can say "Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii shit shit shit shit shit don't just stand there call me an ambulance!!!"
I've seen a dozen airmen with missing fingers.

One of my very own...

New person hired at work?
Start stealing.
Everyone will think it's them.


I find this delightful...

I will never understand rich people with messed up teeth.

OOMVO...

Those thumps you hear are all of the PC crowd just swooning....

Many have joined me in realizing that the emperor has no clothes...

It's like if the problem can't be solved by throwing money at it, then he hasn't a clue.

 Wimbledon exit.       Not in a million fucking years.

LSD - for when it's Friday night and you don't have to be anywhere till Tuesday.


Syrian fighters and their amazing weapons...

This guy is using a Game Boy Control to....

...steer this....

When I was growing up I was taught never....that's NEVER...to hit a girl. It was like rule number one and it applied even to my sister.

Well, me and my buddies were on a swing when we were 9 or 10 when a "tom girl" (young dyke) told us to get off. I made the mistake of saying "What are you going to do about it if I don't?" Well, she was more than happy to give me a demonstration of the consequences. She kicked my ass from one side of that park to the other, but rule number one still applied. I never laid a glove on her.

If I had to choose a religion, I think this would be it...

That's a Mossberg 500 like I have. I told you it kicked like a pissed off mule...

It's never knocked my pants off, but I did shit in my pants a couple of times.

Am I the only one around here who doesn't give a shit if horse meat is in the food?

An unintended hunk of horseflesh is one of the less alarming things that the meat processing industry can put in your ground beef. What about drugs, chemicals, pesticides, poop, bugs and germs?

Ouch!!!

It's not that diabetes, heart disease and obesity runs in my family. It's that no one runs in my family.

This is not nearly as nasty as it looks....look closely....

Han Solo shot first.


This is well worth another look-see....

AND THEN THERE'S THIS...
"...a major cooling of the climate...widely considered inevitable." NY Times, 1975

"...extensive Northern Hemisphere glaciation..." Science magazine, 1976

Glaciation must "stand alongside nuclear war as a likely source of wholesale death and misery." International Wildlife, 1975

"...the world's climatologists are agreed" that we must "prepare for the next ice age." Science Digest, 1973

Meteorologists were "almost unanimous that cooling would reduce agricultural productivity." Newsweek, 1975