Tonight my Gamecocks play North Carolina. I wish them well. Only made one bet on the game...which is a new world's record...but its singularity strangely increases my desire to win it.
My Mama always said that some things are better left unsaid. Then again, she said it, so I guess she didn't really play by the rules.
Healthy is simply the slowest rate at which you can die.
And we are still at it today...
When I learned to type, none of the keys were marked, so you had to memorize where they are. I can now type just about as fast as I can think.
I once was given the task of helping first graders to read. My idea was to let them make up a story and I would type it as they spoke. My computer was hooked up to a large TV and they could see their own words grow across the screen. Then at the end I printed it off and had them go home and read their story to their parents.
It worked pretty well.
It worked pretty well.
Conspirators in Lincoln's assasination hung...note dresses...
Most dramatic NO I've seen in a while.
Artist turned house inside out...I don't know why...
If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and
inside the cage,
hang a banana on a string from the top and then you
place a set of
stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go
to the stairs
and climb toward the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the
other monkeys
with cold water.
After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same
result ...
all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon when
another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
monkeys will try
to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away.
Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new
one.
The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb
the stairs. To
his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the heck out
of him. After
another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries
to climb the
stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys,
replacing it with
a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The
previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment...... with
enthusiasm, because
he is now part of the "team".
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one,
followed by the
fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey
takes to the
stairs, he is attacked.
Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea
why they were
not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know
why they are
participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys,
none of the
remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold
water.
Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb
the stairway
for the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds...that is the way
it has always
been!
This, my friends, is how Governments operate... and
this is why, from time to time:
ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME
TIME.
The monkey experiment above is true, by the way.
This is me when they linger on a porn dick too long...
I watched an entire clip of this. They are swallowed by a giant underwater sinkhole...
Why does this not bother me, but him being on his device would?
For my friend, Mel...
My very first blow job...
My wife got this email from the newspaper that carries the Sunday NYT crossword...
"Looking for today's issue of Free Times? Sorry...we had a late
truck and we're delivering them ASAP. Tell Ralph he'll have his crossword
in a jiffy."
Fuck you.
We are shitting wrong!
Want to shut up a braggard? The next time someone tells you the make and model of the car they just bought, just tell them you lost your virginity in the same car.
I was already working on nuclear weapons when I found out it was "duct" tape instead of "duck" tape. Blew my mind....figuritively.
Happiness is a warm handgun.
Watched a documentary about the first atomic bombs...
This is the pilot explaining that at the time he was so full of bravado he felt this way...
I learned that hours after the explosion the people were very, very thirsty, so when it rained they drank it...even though it was black with radioactive dust....
Don’t get me started on the supposed Moon Landing.
Are Debbie and I the only couple to consummate our marriage in the
restroom at Applebee’s?
There are two kinds of people in the world...
Whenever someone tells me that they meet online, I say, That’s how
I found my vet.
TRUE: Yesterday an old man stops wife and asks if she knows where the AA is. She said, "Yeah. I’ve been sober for 30 years."
He said, "Well, you walk like a drunk."
The Department of Homeland Security said Friday that an employee
who runs a racist website predicting and advocating a race war has been put on
paid administrative leave.
Ayo Kimathi, an acquisitions officer for Immigration and Customs
Enforcement who is in charge of buying weapons and ammunition for the
government, operates the website named "War on the Horizon." It
includes descriptions of an "unavoidable, inevitable clash with the white
race." Kimathi is black.
People who squirt ketchup all over their fries instead of dipping them are not people you need in your life.
Want to end a conversation? During a pause just ask, "So you must have access to a lot of drugs."
I don't know about you, but I'm supposed to be doing something else right now.
I have mixed drinks about feelings.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming his shit.
This is America. We bomb countries that eat yogurt regularly.
There is no 'we' in 'food'.
Well put, sir...
You tell a human not to do something...
Do know how many foods are shaped like dicks? A lot.
Get it?
(the new transformer trailer)
This is one of my murals being dismantled...
AND THEN THERE'S THIS...
Most of you probably know by now that government agents took this painting out of a gallery without offering a single explanation as to why.
YOU KNOW YOUR MASTERS AS THE ONES YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO JOKE ABOUT.
And so it is.
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