WEDNESDAY #1736

"Did you catch that?!"

 "I have an idea. Let's build our nuclear power plants right on the ocean's edge," Said no one ev.......okay, once.

Another summer well wasted.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Remember Close Encounters of the Third Kind?

Why was the Kodaly note learning hand signals necessary? I mean, what did it add to the film?
Specifically, when the man was on the stage presenting his findings, he ended up with those hand signals and every one gave him a standing ovation. I don't get it.

They probably didn't even notice that he entered...

...but Susie broke up with Robert and Bambi's cat threw up a yucky hairball or "I almost reached high score of the game I've played 879,234,304 times."

Have you ever seen a list of the words he coined?
It's impressive...

On the same note, I got an email where the word ALOUD was substituted for ALLOWED. I found that clever.

I find blind people hilarious. Blind people find...just kidding...blind people can't find shit....

This is my wife when she walked in on me masturbating to My Little Pony....

Want an unsolicited blow job? The next time your wife is out of town and calls to ask you what you have been doing, tell her you were masturbating to those naughty pictures of her that she let you take that weekend at the beach.

Apparently, this is not shopped...

But it doesn't look all that rare...

But what if a human was black on one side and white on the other?

"Quick, Robin! To the ramp equipped Bat Van!"

Growing up is childish.

I hate it when people consider themselves as spokesmen for others, and I think I speak for everyone when I say that.


What a wonderful idea...

If I did it I would use a plastic bottle so it wouldn't break, then I would seal the cap with that liquid rubber they use to put grips on hand tools. I could put copies of my books in there and share them with the world. 

There are more cells in our brains than there are brains in our entire body.

When I was in Alaska it was dark about an hour a day. You get used to it pretty quick.

A new kind of shark was discovered off the coast of Charleston, SC....

When my young daughter asked me why the sky was blue, I said, "It's because of quantum effects involving Rayleigh scattering combined with a lack of violet photon receptors in our retinae."
She said, "Oh."

That shark eating the caught shark was reported to be factual. Once my father and my uncle rented a charter boat like this one. It had two chairs in the back...

The two chairs are important, since they come with seatbelts so the fish doesn't pull you out of the boat...

Well, there were six of us so we took turns in the chairs. Money was bet for first fish caught and biggest fish caught. My brother caught the first fish. Then I hit a monster. It took a long, long time to get it near the boat, then....nothing. Everyone thought it had gotten off the hook, but when we reeled it in to put on more bait, there was about 3/4 of a fish. Apparently, a shark had bitten off the tail. Fortunately, my partial fish weighed more than anyone else's whole fish, which meant I won $25....a fortune for a pre-teen lad. I spent it all on condoms.

Fear not. It's just fog rolling in over the mountain...

I'm not much of a Doomsayer, but I do have bottles of liquor strategically placed in various locations around the county.

Some guy said he printed out a bunch of these and placed them in restrooms throughout his city. Clever lad....

My wife wanted us to join a group adopting a mile of road to pick up garbage. I said, "Hell no! Half those bottles aren't even mine!"

If you are born poor, it's not your fault.

But if you die poor, it's your fault.

If your father is poor, it's not your fault.
If your father-in-law is poor, it's definitely your fault.


This is me from a video tape seen on TV many years ago. I was hired by a ad firm to build the biggest cake in the world to celebrate the merger of two big banks.

I designed it as a huge slice of cake so that only the top of the triangle was taller than the other tallest cake.
All kinds of things out of my control almost foiled my efforts.
In that image above, I had been awake for 36 hours fighting a mini-hurricane that blew every thing all over the street and a thousand gypsies attending a wedding in the hotel next to the site who stole everything no nailed down. The gypsies even dismantled and hauled off the shoeshine stand in the lobby. The hotel RAN OUT of knives and forks!
We found out that the entire house-sized cake didn't have to be all cake. We were allowed to have a cake-covered structure shaped like a slice of cake. The icing finished the illusion.

I loved this movie...of course, I'm an absurdity nut...

Arguing with my daughter is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig. After a couple of hours you realize the pig likes it.

Worse photoshop I've seen in a while....and this is from the band's official website...

When the wife and I were there, we wanted to see it at night and I felt very uncomfortable walking down the paths in the garden...

Take the path on the very bottom right. Because of the very dense bushes, it narrows to about three feet and I felt I could be pulled in the bushes never to be seen again.

I don't know what or even if these two next image mean, but I thought the juxtaposition interesting...

I bet he regrets that degree from Ohio State now.

Be a parent they said. It will be fun they said...

I love making people who already hate me hate me more.

I hate this hot weather. I have to keep my windows closed because all my neighbor's kids do is scream.
I'm seriously considering giving them back.

I loved this TV show....

Notice what's on his desk...

My wife: "Describe me in one word. I'm curious."
Me: "Curious?"

Braggart....

Have you ever watched a fat person walking to their car and waited to see how far the car dipped with they got in?

Stephen Hawking likes, but somewhere today there are four very embarrassed grandmothers.

And in the paralel universe...

"Do I look like a bit.......DON'T ANSWER THAT!"

"These are the most modern appliances in the world."

"Can I eat your pants?"

If there were books about her, I would read them now...

Number 2 is interesting to me...

I once asked the editor of a newspaper about descriptions. I used the example of a bar. I said that if I wrote a guy walked into a bar, people would know exactly what it looked like. I didn't need to tell the reader how many stools it had, or what color the walls were, etc.
He suggested this: He walked into the bar under the crystal chandelier...or...He walked into the bar past the torn boxing poster.

Then you should sober up or get real drunk.

Notice how they have blurred out his face?

Why?

Cause fuck you, that's why...

Art comes in many forms...