I never watched this show, but it seems impossible to turn on a computer without knowing about it.
This child has spontaneously combusted 4 times....and that shit is TRUE...
When my daughter first started asking questions about how a baby comes out of a woman's belly, I showed her a Youtube video of a birth. Afterwards she stood up and said, "So I came out of Mommy's butt?"
So naturally I said, "Yes. Yes you did. And every time you poop, you have a 1 in a 100 chance of having a baby."
When your cat gets out, don't chase it. Just lie down and pretend to be dead and it will come back....to eat your remains.
12 course meal in a can...
I remember how traumatized my daughter was when her hamster ate its own legs off. I told her that's why I didn't want for her to wonder off when we went camping.
It worked.
We all have that one friend who has no concept of geography don't we.
I have had a lot of fun imagining the photographer's instructions to people in front of their camera...
Now you imagine the words exchanged in this pose...
When I feel compelled to send someone a wedding note, I always write: "Congratulations on probably not dying alone."
When I feel compelled to send someone a wedding note, I always write: "Congratulations on probably not dying alone."
Ten year enslavement in this room...
Sans chains.
Condoms aren't totally safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and closed his junk up in a porn theater seat.
Condoms aren't totally safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and closed his junk up in a porn theater seat.
Why didn't Rapunzel just tie her hair to something and repel her own lazy ass down?
My grandfather made my grandmother's wedding ring this way using a $20 gold piece. I only saw it once, but I will never forget it...
You just tap on it...oh...ten million times while rotating the coin and the edge flairs out thusly. The story I heard was that my grandfather used a spoon...
Then, I assume, you just drill out the center.
Happy Shark Week to Osama bin Laden.
And if it rains, they are just sent to the rice fields and another group is brought in the next day.
Gravitational pull doesn’t count as magnetism.
Dear Algebra,
Stop asking us to find your x.
She's not coming back.
Just something else to worry about...
If Hillary Clinton wins in 2016, it will be the first time in US history that two presidents have fucked one another...literally.
We are not only bigger than they are, we are smarter...
It's been 3687 days since the last time I gave a shit.
My wife is the best thing I ever found on Craigslist.
I actually think none of them know what they are doing...
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
The world is full of people wanting to give you advice...
When I get bored, which is often, I like to call in sick to places I don't work. This week I've been written up twice at Piggly Wiggly.
Everywhere is a bed if you try hard enough.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAAHAAHA!!!
Black humor is like a pair of legs...not everyone has it.
Black humor is like a pair of legs...not everyone has it.
My wife may not be perfect, but at least she never made a Harlem Shake video.
What first thing do most men do after orgasm?
Clear history.
What a wonderful thing to think about...
In alcohol's defense, I've done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober, too.
I love shit like this...
If someone lies to you, murder them...then lie about murdering them.
"What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine? YOU SLUT!"
"No thanks, I'll just have the regular old whore olive oil."
1 comment:
Has you wife made a les sardines video yet? much better than Harlem shake..
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