THURSDAY #1763

We could raise the literacy rate in the US just by running over everyone we see in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

Heard an interesting exchange between a man and a lesbian.
He: What man hurt you to make you like women?
Her: No man has ever hurt me.
He: You can tell me. What did he do to you?
Her: Do you like women?
He: Of course.
Her: What man hurt you to make you like women?

I wonder how long it would take me to shit my own body weight.

Have you have put your balls on something that other people use just because you could?

It's called Art with a capital A and I like it...

AMAZING FACT:
The average person has one breast and one testicle.

Saw this picture of Syria warriors...

I found the bullet holes in the metal telling...

It really irks me when in a movie people shoot a car a thousand times and all the bullet holes are round no matter which direction they came from.

Kid getting a jump start on his career...

Calling me normal I find insulting.

It's hard to explain puns to kelptomaniacs, because they always that things literally.

I told my wife that if we ever found ourselves in an orgy, I'd want to make love to her first.

At my house, it's always your turn to talk if you're louder than everyone else.

In the South we consider coleslaw a palate cleaner.

Now a fact that I found profoundly interesting...

Holding a gun sideways has a practical advantage. While shooting a large groups of people, the recoil moves the pistol from left to right, keeping all targets vulnerable. Help upright, the recoil takes the gun up and over the other targets.

If your daddy dosn't have a beard, you have two mothers.


From the inside cover of a newly published book...

Movie idea for you: Tucker & Dale vs Evil (2010)
But give it a minute...it starts slow.

Even though I had two knock-out pills for yesterday's dental work, I only took one. When asked why I said, "I was afraid I would start admitting to all the felonies I've committed."
On the ceiling above my chair was a scene of a sky with a ragged hole in it. And out of the hole tumbled numerous animals. I told the staff I thought it looked like what the shark saw when the Ark sank. They all agreed I was correct and said they would never look at it again without thinking of that. I said, Glad I could do my part.

Does that look like fun to anybody else?

Said to be true...

Redneck

This does not refer to a farmer in the field with a red neck. It originally comes from Scotland in the 1640s. The Covenanters rejected rule by bishops and wore red cloth around their neck to signify their position, and were called rednecks by the Scottish ruling class to denote that they were the rebels in what came to be known as The Bishop's War. When the Scots-Irish people settled in the southern United States the term came with them and has evolved over the years.

I  want my last words to be:

"Unleash the motherfucking fury."

Some things defy explanation.

HAHAHAHAHAAHAAH!!!

Maybe Noah gathered all the animals before the plates shifted...

Be nice to people. It’s a wonderful legacy to leave behind.

With my arrest record I'm in some pretty nice company...

The other day at the pizza joint I hang out in, 22 highway partolmen came in to eat all at once. I have never felt safer in my live.....except maybe for when I was working on nuclear weapons.

Fuck "Titanic". Her fiance takes her on a cruise and buys her a large diamond necklace and she bangs some poor guy she just met and steals the necklace.
What lesson is that to teach our children!?

Story time, boys and girls...

I worked at a YMCA lake that had part of it roped off for a swimming pool. After closing all us lifeguards would swim out to "The Tower" to play tag...to become "Not It" you had to touch another player, but only out of the water. Those bigger boys almost killed me on more than one occassion.
Anyway the coolest kid was named Lyman Lovejoy...a name I never forgot, and used it in a novel I wrote some time ago.
So I Googled him and found a Lyman Lovejoy still living in the area. I emailed him and we had a couple of exchanges. I also sent him a copy of the book, but no word yet if he liked it.

It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

Just chilling out before being booked...

These come with rave reviews from the airline passengers who were lucky enough to have them...

Have you ever wondered why "God told me to do it" has never held up in a court of law? Think about that a minute.


I think they have missed the point...

We ALL have something to hide.