WEDNESDAY #1762

After some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to the question of which is more painful; giving birth or being kicked in the nuts. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

A man changed his home phone into a premium line number. From that point on, any company that rang him was charged16 cents per minute to conduct its business. And you better believe Beaumont let them talk away. By July this year, he had made $470 from nothing more than sitting on his butt—paid for by call centers across the country.

Do you remember the elevator music?

Crossword puzzle clue: Child, for one..........Julia.

If I could run across the beach into my own arms I would.

No photoshop, this...

I say, keep your friends close and your enemies terrified.

Interacial lesbians...pissing off rednecks for...oh...ever...

My wife used to like it when I smeared my cum on her forehead with my thumb while saying “Simba.”

Do all these men look alike to you?

I met a level 5 vegan. She doesn’t eat anything that casts a shadow.

Is 333 only half evil?

 Bullshit! She deserves ridicule....

Fucking retards...

I’ve had enough bullshit to last a fucking lifetime.

Have no idea if this is true, but it came from a real newspaper...

This is a great obit I ran across. It behooves you to read this...

I would have liked to have met the man. I'll drink my first beer of the night to you, sir.

A double-bound book...

In high school I was voted Gums Most Likely to Recede.

One of the camps that house millions of Syrian refugees...

 ...and more from Syria...

The ultimate multi-tasker.

You know you might need to diet when even your watch feels tight.

I scared the shit out of my wife. I phoned in a flower deleivery to her store and told them what write on the card: "Thanks for putting up with me so long."

What they put on the card was: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."

I want to live a life in such a way that only Morgan Freeman could narrate.

Burning man...

Never tell a "Yo Momma" joke in an orphanage.

Dinosaur feather in amber...

Come to find out, that is not all that uncommon...

It's not irony if it happens all the time.

I am easily amused.

FBI data shows US cops made on pot arrest every 42 seconds in 2912.
This should outrage every thinking citizen.

My bartender has a hand-sized tattoo on her upper arm of a 1930's style cartoon woman. I aske her who it was and she said, "I don't know. I just picked it off the wall."
I find that lack of imagination crushing.

Waterproof watches packaged in water...

Brilliant....simply brilliant...

When you come in and find your wife crying, DO NOT ask if it's because of her haircut.

Got any idea what these are?

 The forms to mold astronaut seats.

New tank prototype...

"Nothing turns me on more than your self-portraits with that gorgeous toilet in the background," said no one, ever.

I call this the holy shit don’t die game...

Severed head of Coppermouth bites his own writheing body...

In the head's defense, the tail did keep slapping him right in the face.

Talking on the phone with someone who has children is like talking to someone with Tourettes.
"Yeah, I'd love to....DON'T LICK THAT...have lunch tomorrow."
(that is so fucking true)

Skunks are not your friends.

I'll be the old man causing trouble in the nursing home...guaranteed.

"...for every occasion..."

We all know that moment when we have work to do and the computer walks in with no bra and panties on and seduces you.

My kind of tree hugger...

Babies born today are more likely to live to 100 than to play the drums. 
Living to 100: 1 in 3.
Play the drums: 1 in 13.

In 2008, the Dutch voted "Swaffelen" as the word of the year. It means to repeatedly smack one's penis against something.
Because of the stress, Obama was having trouble maintaining an erection, so he asked George Bush what to do. George said that when he wanted to have sex he would just smack his dick against the bedpost until it got hard. So that night Obama walked into his dark bedroom, pulled out his dick and started smacking it against the bedpost. Michelle said, "Is that you, George?"

I call my telescope a horoscope because I only use it to watch the college girls across the street fucking their boyfriends.

Wait for it...

The lady at my dentist's office was trying to make an appointment for me 8 months in the future. I said, "No, that won't do. That's my day to look at cat pictures on the internet."

Another way to act up in a French restaurant: Ask for ketchup.